Rebuilding Safety And Self Worth After Divorce

If you’ve ever caught yourself checking someone’s face, tone, or mood to decide whether you’re “okay,” you’re not overreacting and you’re not broken. In this episode I talk about the pattern behind that reflex and why it feels so intense during divorce and divorce recovery: emotional outsourcing, or the habit of sourcing safety, belonging, and self-worth from outside yourself instead of from within.

I'll unpack how emotional outsourcing can masquerade as people pleasing, perfectionism, and codependency, and why those behaviors often make perfect sense when your nervous system has spent years in survival mode. I share how marriage can reinforce the cycle, especially when approval, emotional distance, or the silent treatment becomes the signal you use to measure your value. Then we look at why divorce can feel like the floor drops out, because the external “okayness” system disappears right when you need stability most.

You’ll hear a simple self-assessment for safety, worth, and belonging, plus a small practice you can use immediately. We also talk about the goal of interdependence, building inner emotional safety and self-esteem while still creating real connection with others.

If you’re ready to stop asking for permission to feel okay and start trusting yourself again, press play, then subscribe, share with a friend who needs it, and leave a rating or review. What’s one place you notice yourself outsourcing your worth right now?

To download your FREE "Becoming You Again Podcast Map" click here. 

To schedule your complimentary consult with Karin click here.

Struggling after divorce to get to know yourself? Click here to grab my $7 guide to get started!

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DISCLAIMER: THE COMMENTARY AND OPINIONS AVAILABLE ON THIS PODCAST ARE FOR EDUCATIONAL, INFORMATIONAL AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND ARE NOT FOR THE PURPOSE OF PROVIDING PSYCHOLOGICAL, COUNSELING OR PROFESSIONAL HEALTHCARE ADVICE. 

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Transcript

Welcome And Why This Matters

Karin Nelson 0:00

Welcome to Becoming You Again, the podcast for divorcing and divorced women who want to stop looking outside themselves for permission to feel okay and start building a sense of safety and worth that actually belongs to them. I'm your host, Karin Nelson. I'm a divorce coach who loves helping women reclaim the parts of themselves they handed over a long time ago. In this episode, I am talking about where you've been sourcing your sense of safety and worth, probably without even realizing it, and how to start building those things from the inside out. Let's dive in. Welcome to Becoming You Again, the podcast where you learn to step into your power as a woman in this world, where you learn to reconnect to your wholeness, your integrity, and bring into alignment your brain, your body, and your intuition after divorce. This is the podcast where you learn to trust yourself again and move forward toward a life that you truly want. You are listening to Becoming You Again, and I am your host, Karin Nelson. Welcome back, all of you amazing women. I am so glad that you're here. Today's episode is something that

What Emotional Outsourcing Means

Karin Nelson 1:15

I truly think almost every woman going through a divorce is dealing with, whether there is the words or the language for it or not. And it is like this exhausting habit of looking outside ourselves to get reassurance that we are okay. So there's this term called emotional outsourcing. And it's not my term, it's a term that a mentor of mine, her name is Beatrice Victoria Albina. She is a nurse practitioner, a somatic healer. She's amazing. But she came up with this term that I think perfectly sums up exactly what this thing is that so many women who are going through a divorce are feeling, are going through, are looking for. And it's this term emotional outsourcing. So her definition of emotional outsourcing is when we chronically and habitually source our sense of safety, our sense of belonging, and our sense of worth from everyone and everything outside of us instead of from within. And this comes at great cost to ourselves. And the thing that I really love about this definition from Bea is she is very clear about this. This emotional outsourcing is not a personality flaw. It doesn't mean that you are broken. She puts it, and it is so brilliant to me, the way she puts it, is she says that we are adaptable creatures who have developed habits for our own survival. And I totally agree. Like if we really look at women who are coming out of a divorce, how many of us have been living with a heightened nervous system for years? Like this survival mode for years? So many of us. So many of us, right? And so when we kind of look at the situation and the way we've been showing up in our lives, we have developed habits for our own survival. And so often those habits look like codependency using this definition of emotional outsourcing, perfectionism, people pleasing. Like how many of you, when I say those words, you would raise your hand each time if I were to say, Do you recognize this in yourself? Do you emotionally outsource your worth and your

Survival Habits Like People Pleasing

Karin Nelson 3:50

value? Yes, I would be raising my hand too. Don't worry, I'm right there with you. Okay. Perfectionism, yep, right there with you. People pleasing, 100% right there with you. Okay. We learned these. We adopted these. They are not part of our personality. They are habits that we have developed over years. We learned them from our family of origin or from the culture that we grew up in. I learned so many of these from the religion that I was raised in. Uh, we learned them from just society in general. And at some point, our nervous system learned that our actual feelings and our needs weren't safe and weren't welcome. And so what we did was, again, very brilliant, very smart, very adaptive. We started reading the room. We outsourced the question, am I okay? To everyone else around us because we didn't feel safe enough to answer it for ourselves. So I don't want you to like beat yourself up if you have developed these habits. I want you to just see where it's been coming from. And I've talked about this before about how women are raised to find our worth through giving. Like that is literally what we are told, right? Make other people feel comfortable, give of ourselves, make sure everyone is taken care of first. That's how we gain our worth. That's how we see, oh, am I worthy? Am I if I'm doing that, I can believe that I am worth something. I can believe that my ability to take up space is worthwhile and valuable to this world that we live in. It comes from how well we take care of others and how rarely we make waves and how rarely we speak up and how rarely we make other people feel uncomfortable. We are taught so often without anyone saying it to us directly that our value can only be confirmed by other people, right? It comes from that compliment they gave us. It comes from being told we're doing enough. It comes from being a good enough mother or a good enough wife. And we learn to look outward for the end verdict on whether we're okay, on whether we're good enough, on whether we're doing it, instead of just trusting

When Marriage Trains Your Nervous System

Karin Nelson 6:15

that we already know inherently that we are good enough, that we are valuable, that we are worthy. And in marriage, this gets reinforced constantly. Like, you may have spent years of your life gauging your worth by your husband's mood or by his approval. Like, there were so many times in my marriage where my ex was very good at the silent treatment. That was like the one thing that he would weaponize very, very often in our marriage, like silent treatment for like days, sometimes like a week, I think was the longest that it went on. And it was during those moments of the silent treatment that I was constantly questioning what I was doing wrong, how I could do better, how I could try and make him feel more comfortable, what I had done to upset him. I'm I'm not okay. This is all my fault, right? All of that blame and self-judgment and not being able to question, am I okay? Because I didn't believe it. I believed that I was wrong, I was bad, I wasn't good enough, there was something wrong with the way I had acted in the marriage, and that is why I was being treated this way. And then when he would start speaking to me again, I could tell myself, okay, I'm okay, everything's okay, I'm good, I'm not a terrible person, I am good enough, I got this. Instead of just inherently knowing, I'm okay, I got this, I'm good enough, I'm valuable, I'm worthy exactly as I am. So if you are anything like me, you might have sourced your safety in the marriage or in the relationship by reading his face the second that he walks in the door, right? Making sure everybody else's moods are good, everybody else is happy, everybody else is taken care of, making sure that nobody's gonna like step on somebody else's toes to possibly make him upset or possibly say the wrong thing so that it'll throw him off, right? We make sure everybody else is comfortable rather than checking in with ourselves to make sure that we're actually okay. And I want you to know this is not weakness. Again, this is not a personality flaw. This is a skill that you have built and you have done it brilliantly to survive the particular environment that you found yourself in. It's the same way that I showed up to survive the situation that I was in in my marriage in those moments when I was receiving the silent treatment, right? But this is the problem. When your marriage ends or when you go through your divorce, the whole system, this whole safety system of like emotional outsourcing that you have built your safety, your worth, your value on, that goes out the door with it because now we don't have that other person to like validate that we're okay, that we're worthy, that we're

Why Divorce Feels So Destabilizing

Karin Nelson 9:20

valuable, that we're good, that we can trust ourselves, that we can believe everything's fine, that we're good enough. And that is the part of why divorce can feel so destabilizing to the foundation, because we the foundation was the other person telling us and now they're gone. So I want to start questioning like, where are you sourcing your sense of worth and value right now? So we're gonna run like a very quick assessment based on a worksheet that Bea created because becoming aware of your specific patterns is always the first step, right? You know me. I say this constantly. I say this to my clients, I say this in the podcast all the time. We have to start with awareness. Otherwise, we don't, there's nowhere to start, right? We have to be aware that we're doing the thing. So we gotta like understand and see the specific patterns that are showing up for us. So, first we gotta think of safety, okay? I want you to think of the last time you felt anxious or unsafe. What did you do to feel better? Did you check someone's face or their tone, or did you ask for reassurance? Were you like, are we okay? Like, is everything okay? Did I do something wrong? Are you mad at

Quick Assessment For Safety And Worth

Karin Nelson 10:45

me? Right? Like, think about the last time and think about what you did to feel better. Did you try to control the situation so that you could feel less anxious? Did you try to like change the situation? Did you immediately reach out to a friend or your sister because you needed a phone call or you needed to know that you made the right choice so that you or that you did the right thing or to validate your choice, right? Just notice. We are not judging any of this, all right? We are not judging ourselves, we're not telling ourselves we did it wrong or we shouldn't be doing that, or oh my gosh, I can't believe I did that. No. No, no, no. We are not doing that. What we are doing is we are noticing. Did any of those sound familiar? Did you recognize yourself in any of that? Or was it something else? Just notice. That's all. Just notice, okay? I know what you're thinking. You're in the middle of divorce, or you're on the other side of it, and you found yourself thinking, I don't even know who I am anymore. First of all, you are so not alone in this, and second of all, I made something just for you. It's called 115 Ways to Get to Know You, and it's a $7 guide filled with ideas to help you reconnect with yourself, your wants, your passions, your personality in ways that you might have forgotten were even possible. I'm talking about creativity, adventure, self-care, joy, emotional healing, all of

A Simple Guide To Reconnect

Karin Nelson 12:15

it. And the best part? You get to pick what feels good to you. There are no pressures, there's no rules, just permission for you to explore. Because the truth is, your relationship with yourself is the most important one you'll ever have. And it's never too late to start building it. Find the link in the show notes to grab your copy today for just seven dollars. I can't wait for you to dig in. The next thing we're gonna look at is worth. I want you to think about the last time you felt genuinely good about yourself. Why was that? Was it someone complimented you? Was it someone validated your feelings or validated the way you look or validated who you are or what you did? Did you accomplish something? Did you feel needed? Were

Belonging Without Making Yourself Smaller

Karin Nelson 13:10

you getting approval from from someone important to you? And I want you to just notice again, there's no judgment here. We are not judging, we are just noticing. So I want you to notice if most of your good feelings about yourself can be traced back to something someone else said or did, that means that your worth is being sourced externally, like from the outside. Okay. Again, just noticing. Now the third thing that we're gonna look at is belonging. I want you to think about the last time that you truly felt connected to someone. When was it and what was going on? Were you agreeing even when you didn't fully agree with what they were saying? Like maybe you had a different opinion, but you didn't want to say it, and so you just kind of agreed to go along, right? Were you taking care of their emotions before your own, like making sure, like, oh, I gotta calm them down or like manage their mood? Were you doing that? Okay. Were you hiding parts of yourself that maybe felt like it would be too much or too overwhelming for them? Or maybe you were making yourself smaller so that you wouldn't be rejected. This one for me is huge. I can look back on pinpoint so many times throughout my life where belonging was so important to me that I would just say the thing that everybody else was saying because I didn't want to be looked at weird. I didn't want to be judged, I didn't want people to think that I was dumb or I didn't want people to not like me. Like, there's so many belonging for me is the one that like I can just I have so much awareness around where I have like shown up in this way in my life. So, where do you recognize yourself in these things that I described? Or maybe something else, right? And again, I just no judgment here. We are just noticing these patterns that we've created for ourselves. So just sit with these things. Which of these things, the three things, the safety, the worth, or the belonging, feels most dependent on someone else for you right now? Like for me, like I just said, it would be belonging. But what would it be for you? What comes up in your body as you see these patterns written down? Like maybe for the first time, and maybe you didn't write them down, but what comes up for your body if you're just thinking about these things? Do you notice anything in your body as you notice these patterns? Okay, so here's the good news that I want you to know. Going back to this idea that this is learned,

Building Internal Safety And Self Worth

Karin Nelson 15:55

these are learned habits. And what can we do with a learned habit? We can learn a new habit. We can replace that old habit with something new. We can't unlearn things once we already know them, but we can build new patterns alongside the old ones and practice them until the new ones like become habit, become the practice, become automatic. So I've talked before about emotional responsibility. Your feelings are created by your thoughts, not by what's happening outside of you. And this goes back to the same muscle. We're gonna use the same muscle for that, right? Sourcing emotional safety internally means asking yourself what you actually think right now and whether that thought is true instead of scanning somebody else's face or making sure everybody else's mood is taken care of for the answer, right? So we wanna source our worth internally. And to do that, it means we actually have to decide on purpose that we are inherently valuable and inherently worthy simply just because we exist. Not because you were really productive today and you got everything done on your list, not because you were agreeable and went along to get along, and not because you were praised by everyone else around you. Okay. I want you to work on sourcing that internal knowledge that you are valuable and worthy simply because you are here, because you exist. Now, all of this does not mean that you have to just completely disconnect from other people and that you never want to or should hear validation from them or hear their support. No, we're also not doing that, okay? It's great to be independent in our lives in this idea of like, we don't need other people to tell us our worth. We don't need other people to tell us that we're great or that we're valuable or that we belong here. But it also is okay to have interconnectedness with other people. Like that's a beautiful part of being a human as well, right? We don't want to like be independent and lonely and live our lives without other people. That's just silly. No, that's not being a human. That's not living a beautiful, fulfill, fulfilled, a beautiful, fulfilled life. The goal is interdependence. The goal is to know your worth from the inside out while you still love and want other people in your life. And from this perspective, you actually get to want that connection with other people. You get to want to

Interdependence And The Pause Practice

Karin Nelson 18:40

have relationships with other people. You don't need them. It's like you don't need them to be there to reassure you, to make sure you're okay. You get to want to have other relationships in your life. And that is such a beautiful way to be. So we're gonna start very small this week, okay? The next time you feel the desire to check on someone's reaction before trusting your own reaction or what you actually think. I just want you to pause. I just want you to take a beat, create some space and ask, okay, what do I actually think and feel here? Before anybody else says anything, before anybody else weighs in, that pause, that space that you're going to create for yourself, practiced over and over, that is how you build a relationship with yourself. That's how you can learn to hold yourself steady, to trust that you can go inward and be like, am I actually okay? Am I good? Am I valuable? Am I worthy? Before anybody else has to tell you, you get to go inward and discover it for yourself. This comes through practice. Practice, practice, practice. Okay. You are allowed to be the authority on your own okayness, on your own worth, on your own value. You are, you always were. This is where we start. All right, my friends. That is what I have for you today.

Closing Support And Next Steps

Karin Nelson 20:10

Thank you so much for being here. I love you. You truly are amazing. And I know you don't, because we just talked about you don't need to hear that from me. Start saying it to yourself. Okay? I'll talk to you next week. Hi, friend. I'm so glad you're here and thanks for listening. I wanted to let you know that if you're wanting more, a way to make deeper, more lasting change, then working one-on-one with me as your coach may be exactly what you need. Together, we'll take everything you're learning in the podcast and implement it in your life with weekly coaching, real life practice, and practical guidance. To learn more about how to work with me one-on-one, go to Karin Nelsoncoaching.com. That's www.k-ar-in-n, n-e l-s-o-n coaching.com. Thanks for listening. If this podcast agreed with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating wherever you listen to podcasts. And for more details about how I can help you live an even better life than when you were married, make sure and check out the full show notes by clicking the link in the description.