Four Lies That Keep Divorced Women Stuck

Your brain can turn divorce into a courtroom where every thought sounds like evidence and every feeling becomes a verdict. We’re slowing that whole process down and letting you know what’s really going on: cognitive distortions, or in other words, “brain lies” that spike divorce. 

I break down four patterns that show up for so many divorcing and divorced women: all or nothing thinking (I’m either winning or failing), mind reading (everyone definitely hates me), catastrophizing (one hard moment means my future is ruined), and “should” statements (I should be over this by now). I'll also share the real-life ways these distortions hit parenting, co-parenting, and self-trust, plus why your brain loves to collect “evidence” for a story it invented.

Then I move into what to do when you catch yourself spiraling. Think less about perfection and more about being honest with what's true for you. 

If you want deeper support, I also share how one-on-one divorce coaching can help you implement these tools with weekly practice and guidance.

Subscribe for more support, share this with a friend who’s in the thick of it, and please leave a rating or review so more women can find the show. What’s the biggest lie your brain tells you right now?

To download your FREE "Becoming You Again Podcast Map" click here. 

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Transcript

Welcome And What We Do Here

Karin Nelson 0:00

Welcome to Becoming You Again, the podcast for divorcing and divorced women who want to come home to themselves after years of self-abandonment in a marriage that didn't honor who they were. I am your host, Karin Nelson. I'm a divorce coach who wants to help women learn to trust themselves again, reclaim their identity, and build a life that feels actually, authentically theirs. Today we are going to be talking about the specific lies that your brain tells you as you're going through a divorce so that you can spot the patterns that keep you stuck, how to challenge those patterns, and then how to step into clarity that is literally going to change everything for you. Let's get started. Welcome to Becoming You Again, the podcast where you learn to step into your power as a woman in this world, where you learn to reconnect to your wholeness, your integrity, and bring into alignment your brain, your body, and your intuition after divorce. This is the podcast where you learn to trust yourself again and move forward toward a life that you truly want. You are listening to Becoming You Again, and I am your host, Karin Nelson. Welcome back to the podcast, all of you beautiful, amazing women who are listening. I am always so, so happy to be here. I am so so happy that you keep coming back for more, which is my favorite thing ever, to know that more and more people are listening to the podcast.

Quick Rating And Review Request

Karin Nelson 1:25

If you have a second and you have your phone in your hand, open up the podcast to the app, scroll down to the bottom, and just leave me a quick rating or review. It helps get the podcast out there to more people. It helps more women just like you who are going through a divorce, who are looking for some kind of structure, some help, some guidance, find the podcast. So take just a minute, do this for me. That would be amazing. All right. So how are you doing in this process? Do you feel supported? Do you feel like you need more? Do you have questions? If you have questions and you're confused and you're not sure what to do next, come message me on Instagram or TikTok or Facebook. It's at Karen Nelson Coaching on all of the platforms. Come message me, give me your questions, give me what you're struggling with. I would love to help you out. Maybe I will have enough of one topic that I will be able to do a podcast episode about it. Or maybe I'll just be able to answer

Send Your Questions By DM

Karin Nelson 2:24

your question right there in the DM. So come come reach out to me. I love hearing from you guys.

Two Books Worth Reading

Karin Nelson 2:30

All right. It's been a while since I have talked about what books I'm reading. And I had just kind of this weird, like I I don't even know what it was. Just like Kismet or something that happened with some of the books that I've been reading the last couple of of weeks, um, months, I guess, but weeks and months. Um, so a few months ago, or about a month ago, I guess, I finished a book called Yesteryear by Carl Claire Burke. And wow, if you have not read this book, wow. I'm not gonna give any spoilers or even really talk about what it's about because just wow. Uh, but I found this book absolutely fascinating. I inhaled it. I read it so fast. But I the thing about this book is I think it can be very divisive for people. Um, but I do have to say, I'm just gonna make this one little comment. Being a person coming from a high-demand religion that I was raised in that I have since left many years ago, I saw so many parallels between things I was raised to believe about myself and about the world and about people in the world and how I see myself in the world, in regards to those people. I saw so many similarities between that and the main character, Natalie, in this book. It just like blew my mind. And it's really worth a read, I think, uh, if you like to read, check it out. So I read that book like a month ago. And then, like a couple of weeks ago, maybe two weeks ago or so, um, a good friend of mine messaged me on Instagram and she was like, uh, have you read this book? And it was called Rich Girl Nation by Katie Gaddy Tassin. And I was like, no, but I'm immediately buying it. I will 100% be reading this. And it's basically just like it's a nonfiction book. It's teaching you how to take control of your financial future. Literally every single woman, whether you're going through a divorce or not, needs to read this book and give it to your kids, especially your girls, because there are a couple of chapters in this book that really set you up for when you're going to make the decision of getting married, when you're making the decision of moving forward in your life with a partner, and what decisions you need to be making financially to protect yourself no matter what happens. But if you didn't do that and you didn't read this book before you got married, and now you're married, and now you're going through a divorce and you're like, what the fuck am I supposed to be doing now with my finances? Read this book. Read this book to set yourself up for future safety, stability, protections. Okay. But anyway, that wasn't even the point. This is a great book. That is the point. But also, this is the weird kismet thing that happened. So I just found out a few days ago that Carol Claire Burke and Katie Gaddy Tassin, maybe you guys already know this. I didn't know this, they have a podcast together. These two women who wrote these books, the last two books that I just read, these two women have a podcast that they've been doing for the last year or so together called Diabolical Lies. I just thought it was crazy to me that like I read these two books and then all of a sudden it is presented to me in some way I don't even can't even remember how I found out that they had this podcast, but like it just like popped into my purview, and I was like, wow, okay. My my this world is trying to tell me something. Let's let's go. So, anyway, check out the books if you're interested. Check out that podcast. I just think, you know, there are things that come into your life for a very good reason. And I just think these two women have been presented into my life for great things. And I'm I'm learning a lot. I'm enjoying it, and there you go. So now, now what you're here for, so that's like seven minutes of just like talking about what's going on in my life. I if you skipped it, it's totally fine. I understand you got more important things going on, it's not a problem. Uh, but if you stuck around for that whole little soapbox moment of what's happening for me, thank you. I love you, you're amazing. But let's jump into the podcast episode.

Naming The Brain Lies

Karin Nelson 6:48

Because I really want to talk to you about something that I think might be like a light bulb moment for you in terms of understanding what your brain might be doing to you, because this is what brains do. Our brains lie to us, okay? It is lying to you, my brain is lying to me. It just is. And the thing is, is it's possible that your brain has been lying to you for so long that you don't even notice it. You just think the things that your brain is telling you are truth. You just think that they are facts, like they're objection, they're they're let's see, they're not subjective. They are objective facts, right? That you can't do anything with, you can't change them, they just are. And when you believe these things, these things that your brain is just telling you as facts, it kind of is shrinking your life and keeping you stuck. And this is especially true during divorce. Divorce is like adding fuel to the fire of these lies that your brain is telling you. So there is a term for this, these brain lies. It's called cognitive distortion. And so I'm gonna refer to it maybe just a couple of times, cognitive distortion, but I just want you to remember like the simple term is my brain is just telling me things that literally are not true. And I want you to realize this because the moment that you start to see it, and the moment you start to question the things that your brain is telling you, that's when you take your power back. That's when you step into, okay, I see what's happening here. And do I want to keep thinking this? Do I want to keep believing this? Yes or no. You get to decide. That's where your power lies, is in the decision of deciding what is the truth for you and your life. So I want to talk about some of the lies that our brain tells us that pretty much every woman who is going through a divorce believes so that you can be aware of them when they show up, and then you can start to question them and you can step out of some of these cognitive distortions, okay? So,

All Or Nothing Thinking

Karin Nelson 8:59

line number one, all or nothing thinking. This one is huge. I deal with this with my clients all the time. Like we are coaching on all or nothing thinking all the time. And I notice it in my own brain too. I don't want you guys to like listen to me and think, oh my gosh, Karen just, she's figured it all out. She has it all together. No, I don't. I literally don't. I have a human brain, just like you. There are things that I literally can't see. My brain lies to me all the time, and I can't see it, which is why I get coached by my own coach who sees it and tells me and is like, oh, this is what's happening. And then I'm like, oh my God, you're right. That is what's happening. So we all do this, is the point here. I don't want you to feel like there's something wrong with you because there's not. We all step into all or nothing thinking. It's very basic, which is one of the things, which is one of the reasons I'm telling you, like, this is one of those lies, those basic lies that our brain just tells everybody, right? And I have a couple of podcast episodes where I really go in depth on all or nothing thinking, black and white thinking. So I'm just gonna talk briefly about this here. But if you want more info, go listen to those past episodes because they will really help you understand what is happening in your brain when we go to all or nothing thinking. But it's basically like your brain decides it's either everything or it's nothing. Everything is a total success or everything is a total failure. Either my ex is a complete monster, he's the worst human alive, or I'm the problem. Either the divorce was the worst decision I've ever made and it's the worst thing that's ever happened to me, or it was the best thing, and now I have to keep it like at that level of perfection, right? Either I'm a great mom or I ruined my kids' lives. There's just no in-between in this all or nothing thinking, which is never the case. That's very rare. So, like it's usually never the extreme of one or the other. There's somewhere in the gray. And so just being onto your brain when you go into that black and white thinking or that all or nothing thinking, it's keeping you stuck from seeing any other option. Just be onto your brain.

Mind Reading And Assumptions

Karin Nelson 11:16

Okay. All right. Line number two, mind reading. Okay. I see this one constantly, all right? Mind reading is when your brain decides that it already knows what other people are thinking about you. And you know what? The problem with this is your brain almost always, almost always assumes they're thinking shit about you. They are judging you, they hate you, they are thinking the worst, right? Your friend didn't text you back. She's mad at me, she hates me, she doesn't ever want to hang out with me. I did something wrong. It's all my fault, right? Your kid didn't talk to you at dinner or wanted to eat in their room. They blame you for the divorce. They hate you, everything's ruined, their life is gonna be terrible, they're never gonna have good relationships, they're never gonna want to have a relationship with you. They blame you for everything, everything is the worst. Like, do you see what we're doing here? This is what our brain does. You don't actually know any of that. Okay, and you might. I'm not saying that maybe they didn't tell you. These these things may have been said to you. And if that's the case, then you get to decide from there what to what you want to think, right? But most of the time, our brain is just making these stories up. Our brain just invents the story and then hands it to us as fact. And then we're like, Yeah, you're right. They all hate me. I'm the worst. I did it all wrong. And then, and then, oh my gosh, I forgot to add this part in here. And then with that story, our brain will also like gather all of the evidence, the previous evidence. Remember that one time when this thing happened and that actually supports the evidence of this story? Yeah, so this definitely means it's true, right? And so you're just walking around carrying the emotional weight of this, and you don't even know it's true, but you still are gathering evidence from wherever to prove that it's true. And most of the time, I just want you to remember, most of the time, like 98% of the time, it's just a made-up story. Your brain is just lying to you, making up a story filled with judgment. So be onto your brain. I'm gonna give you some tips of what to do once you're onto your brain, but we're just gonna go through these first.

Catastrophizing The Future

Karin Nelson 13:38

Okay, lie number three, catastrophizing. Like, this is when your brain takes one bad thing and then it runs it all the way to the worst possible outcome. You're so like, for example, your ex is late for picking up the kids. Oh my God, he's never gonna be a reliable parent. I'm gonna have to do everything. The kids are gonna be traumatized forever. We're never gonna make it through this. I should have just stayed. I should, it would just, it would have just been easier because I would have them the other half of the time and it would be fine, right? Or you had a bad week, you had a really hard week, and then you're in your brain, you're like, well, I can't show the kids how hard this is. I have to be the strong one for them because if they see that I am having a hard time, then they're gonna think, oh no, mom's really struggling. How can we fix this for her? They're gonna have to step in and then they're gonna have to be my emotional support, and then I don't know what I'm gonna do because I'm not gonna be able to support them, and I have to be the one who just who supports everyone. I can't show them that I'm struggling. Like, do you see what's happening here? Maybe your finances feel like a little tighter one month. Oh no, now I'm gonna lose the house, I'm gonna end up alone, my kids are gonna suffer, they're gonna have to go live with their dad because I'm kicked out of my house, I'm homeless, my whole life is ruined at this point, right? Do you see how we take one thing and we make it the absolute worst and we go all the way down the rabbit hole and it becomes the worst possible life ever? This is catastrophizing and it's exhausting because not only are you just dealing with the actual thing that happened, but then you're dealing with this imaginary worst-case scenario that feels terrible. It feels so heavy and scary and awful, and then you don't know what to do with it. Then you're just stuck. You don't know what to do. So again, be on the lookout for this. Because our brain is trying to predict what's going to happen, but it's not, our brain doesn't usually predict the good stuff that could possibly happen. It's always, always, always going to focus on the bad stuff unless you're managing it, right? Which is what I'm trying to teach you how to do. Okay.

Shoulds And Self Judgment

Karin Nelson 15:38

Lie number four, shoulds. Shoulds are the worst. Shoulds are this shouldn't be happening. This should, I shouldn't be feeling this way. I should be over this by now. I should be a better mom. I shouldn't have yelled at my kids. I should just be grateful. I shouldn't still be sad. I should have known better. I should have left sooner. I should have uh found a new partner by now. I should be dating. I shouldn't be dating. Like it could show up literally in any situation, in any form, but your brain will throw it at you. It's like these expectations that we have for ourselves about the world, about society, about how we're where we should be living, about what we should be doing, all the things, right? It is literally like slapping yourself over and over and over. And here's the kicker. Most of the time, you didn't even come up with this should, like I just said, like it comes from society, it comes from your church, it comes from the way you raised, it comes from culture, it comes from what you saw on Instagram, it comes from what you read in a magazine in 1997 when you were a teenager and you were like, Oh, I shouldn't be wearing white after Labor Day, right? Like, come on, these things were handed to us. We did not come up with them on our own. So when you start hearing yourself say, Well, I should, blah, blah, blah, blah, I want you to just stop. And I want you to ask yourself, okay, where did I actually get that from? Who told me that? Whose voice is this? Because it's probably not mine. Okay. All right.

Notice Ask Replace With Honest

Karin Nelson 17:09

So how do we start working on this? How do we start, once we start to recognize the lies that are showing up, what do we do? Step one is noticing. It's always the first step. It has to be the first step because without noticing, where do we go? Like we have to notice the catastrophizing, we have to notice the shoulds that are showing up, we have to notice the black and white thinking, we have to notice the mind reading, right? The making up of the stories. So once you notice it, then we go to step two, which is is this actually true? We have to ask ourselves that question. We have to start getting curious. Did my brain just hand this to me, or is it actually true? Right? Is it a fact? Or is this something that I'm just telling myself? And then step three, and this is one that I really want you to work on. I want you to replace it with something that is more honest for you. Remember, truth is not the same for every human being, right? Truth is what aligns with you. So is this honest for you? I'm we're not going to more positive, we're not going to toxic positivity, we're not going to pretending and everything is fine. We are just gonna be more honest with yourself, all right? So instead of now my life is ruined, everything is going to hell, I've ruined my kids' lives, my life, this is the worst. Be more honest, right? What is something that sounds more honest and is alignment with you? Okay, some parts of my life are really hard right now, and some parts are fine, some parts are really okay. Like that's probably the more honest truth, right? Not everything is the worst and not everything is the best, but there's somewhere in the middle. Look for that truth, look for that honesty for you. So instead of I'm the most terrible mom, everyone hates me, you could try something like sometimes I'm doing an amazing job, and sometimes I'm exhausted, and I snap at my kids and yell. How human of me. Right? We're somewhere in the middle. We are never the worst, we're never the best. Like in moments, maybe we are, and that's what we have to remember. In moments, yeah, I was I was mean to my kids and I yelled. And there are other times where I'm actually a really great mom and I'm really connected and present. We gotta remember both, okay? We gotta take it back to the more honest. So instead of like judging yourself and telling yourself, well, I should just be over this, I shouldn't be sad about this anymore, I should have moved on by now. You can try something like, listen, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be in this process. And I'm allowed to take as long as it takes. Like that's it. We're just getting more honest with ourselves to overcome these lies that our brain is constantly telling us. That is where your power is going to lie. Okay. So your brain's gonna keep doing this. This is what brains do. This is your nothing has gone wrong when your brain does this to you. I promise you. The fix is we just get better at noticing it and then managing our brain around it.

Closing And Coaching Invitation

Karin Nelson 20:20

All right, my friends, that is what I have for you today. Thank you so much for listening. I love you. I will be back next week. Hi, friend. I'm so glad you're here and thanks for listening. I wanted to let you know that if you're wanting more, a way to make deeper, more lasting change, then working one-on-one with me as your coach may be exactly what you need. Together, we'll take everything you're learning in the podcast and implement it in your life with weekly coaching, real life practice, and practical guidance. To learn more about how to work with me one-on-one, go to Karin Nelson Coaching.com. That's www.k-ar-in-n, n-el-s-o-n coaching.com. Thanks for listening. If this podcast agreed with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating wherever you listen to podcasts. And for more details about how I can help you live an even better life than when you were married, make sure and check out the full show notes by clicking the link in the description.