Escaping The Comparison Trap

Comparison after divorce can feel like a punch to the gut. One run-in with your ex, one hard kid drop-off, or one “perfect life” scroll on Instagram and suddenly your mind is building a case that you’re behind, broken, or failing. I’m Karin Nelson, a divorce coach, and I want to slow that moment down with you and show you what’s actually happening so you can stop treating the comparison as proof that there's something wrong with you.

We start by naming the comparison trap and why it’s so common for divorcing and divorced women. Your brain is wired to compare for safety, and divorce flips so many parts of life at once that your mind goes into overdrive trying to restore certainty. The problem isn’t that you compare. The problem is the harsh meaning you pile on top of it and how your brain cherry-picks “evidence” to support the story you already fear. 

Then I give you five practical steps you can use the next time comparison shows up. I also talk about the standards you’ve been handed by culture, religion, and media and how freedom starts when you decide what happiness, success, and family mean for you now.

If you’re ready to stop measuring your worth by someone else’s scoreboard, hit play, share this with a friend who needs it, and subscribe so you don’t miss what’s next. After listening, will you leave a quick rating or review and tell me which step you’re trying first?

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Transcript

Welcome And The Real Goal

Karin Nelson 0:00

Hi, welcome to Becoming You Again, the podcast for divorcing and divorced women who want to stop measuring their worth against how everybody else measures it and start building a life that actually feels good from the inside out. I'm your host, Karin Nelson. I'm a divorce coach with a passion for helping women break free from the stories that are keeping them stuck so that they can come home to the truth of who they really are. In today's episode, I am talking about the comparison trap, why your brain is wired to compare, why divorce sends it into overdrive every time, and why the goal isn't to stop comparing altogether. And I'm going to give you five practical steps that you can use the next time your brain wants to show up with some comparison and try to convince you that your life is falling apart. Welcome to Becoming You Again, the podcast where you learn to step into your power as a woman in this world, where you learn to reconnect to your wholeness, your integrity, and bring into alignment your brain, your body, and your intuition after divorce. This is the podcast where you learn to trust yourself again and move forward toward a life that you truly want. You are listening to Becoming You Again, and I am your host, Karin Nelson. Welcome back to the podcast, my lovely, lovely ladies. I am, as always, so happy that you're back listening. I'm so happy to be here. I love making the podcast. It's one of the my favorite things that I do besides coaching one-on-one with clients. Making the podcast is like right up there, tied with number one. And I absolutely

How Comparison Spirals After Divorce

Karin Nelson 1:36

love it. And so today we're going to be talking about comparison. Specifically, I want to talk about something that I sometimes refer to as the comparison trap. But I'm basically just going to lay out what it is, why it happens, and why divorce seems to make it feel so much worse. But most importantly, I'm going to teach you what you can actually do about it. Because I know that there are so many of you out there who are listening and you feel very stuck right now. Like maybe you ran into your ex and he had the new girlfriend that you hadn't met yet. And then you spent the rest of the night like completely spiraling. Or maybe your kids seemingly want to spend more time with your ex, or seem to like show up differently around your ex than they do with you. And you spin into this spiral of comparing you to them. Or maybe you scrolled, or maybe you were scrolling on Instagram and you saw a woman who looked really happy and confident and was still married. And you're turning it on you and thinking, well, what's wrong with me? And we do this, right? We do this. We look at all situations of our life, like our family or our finances or our situation, and we stack it up against either what it used to look like or against once what somebody else's looks like. And then we come away feeling like we got the short end of the stick, like we got the crap end of the bargain, right? And I want you to know I see you, and I'm here to help you through this because you don't have to keep thinking about your life in this way. You don't have to keep falling into this comparison trap.

Why The Brain Compares

Karin Nelson 3:26

So the first thing I want to talk about is I want to talk about why the comparison happens. Because comparison, there's nothing wrong with it. It's not like a flaw that you are the only person who has this. Like we as humans naturally turn to comparison. And when you do this, it's not evidence that there's something wrong with you. Comparison is very natural. It's a totally a normal function of our human brain. It's actually a pretty necessary one because our brain uses comparison to keep us safe. Like, is this stove hot or cold? Is there a car in the street or not? Right? Is this cliff that I'm standing on? Is there going to be solid footing underneath me if I take a step forward or not? So, like, comparison is something that our mind does to keep us safe. And so when it's performing in those ways, the ones that I just described, it's doing exactly what it's supposed to do. It's when we take it to the more emotional comparing ourselves to others or to past or something like that that triggers our emotional response. That's when it gets tricky and is not helpful and useful to us. So I want you to just take a breath. And I want you to just get rid of any of the judgment that you might have been holding on to when you catch yourself comparing, because this is also something that we do, right? We'll compare ourselves and then go, I know I shouldn't be doing this. And we beat ourselves up and we kind of yell at ourselves and think I'm so stupid. Why do I, why can't I just let it go? Why can't I just move on from this? Why do I keep making myself feel this way? Like we're not gonna do that because that's also not helpful. So we're just gonna take a breath. You're not broken for doing this. It's a normal function of our brain. There's my Charlie Kitty. He's saying hi. Uh and then I'm gonna teach you some ways that when you catch yourself in the problematic part of the comparison, that you can like know how to help yourself through it, right? Because the problem isn't that we do it. The problem is when we take the comparison and then we layer on top of it all of these ideas of like, well, this is good and that's bad. She's beautiful, I'm not, he's a better parent, I'm a terrible parent. That's what a real family looks like. Mine doesn't look like that. I should have it figured out by now. I don't know why I don't have it. Like it's when we take all of that bullshit and we pile it on top of the comparison that it stops actually, it stops act, it stops actually being useful and we start using it as a weapon against ourselves.

Divorce Puts Comparison In Overdrive

Karin Nelson 6:17

So in terms of like comparison and divorce, this is why divorce makes it feel so much worse. Because when you're going through a divorce, there's so many things in your life that now look different than they used to. Right? Like just the word family in general looks different. Looks different than it used to. Looks different than a lot of people around you, probably. Where you live might look different than what it used to look like. Your finances most likely look different than they used to, right? And so your brain, which is already wired to compare, like I just pointed out, right? Now it's doing it like in overdrive because everything looks different. Everything can be compared to what it used to be, what it once was. And everything that used to feel familiar and stable, now feels like it is shifted, and that starts to feel scary. That starts to bring in uncertainty into it, and we don't like uncertainty, right? And so it starts stacking like what your old life used to look like against what other people's lives look like and what your life looks like now. And then it starts giving you this verdict of like, well, this is this is much worse. I'm behind, something's gone wrong, I'm not doing it correctly, and we start to judge ourselves. And that's where that comparison trap, like that's where we get into that comparison trap. But here's what I want you to know. When your brain does that and it shows you these comparison things, and then we start to like judge it all. Your brain is not giving you like an accurate picture. Our brain doesn't care if something is an accurate description or if it's right or wrong. It's just giving you information. It's giving you thoughts, it's giving you story, it's giving you what it thinks is context, not always context, right? It's selecting memories that fit the like story that you already have, and it's bringing those up. So it's not giving you a fair comparison, it's giving you like supportive evidence of what you already believe to help support what you already are thinking about. So if you already think my life is shitty after divorce because my kids are choosing my ex over me, your brain isn't gonna like show you where that's not true. Your brain is gonna show you all of the evidence that you've already collected that supports that idea and makes it feel a million times worse. So

Nervous System Panic And Safety

Karin Nelson 9:04

let's take a step back and let's take a look at what's actually happening in your body when you get pulled into one of these comparison like traps and you start believing the story that your brain is spinning. What happens inside our body is our nervous system starts to respond, right? Our nervous system starts to react. And we think, oh no, something has gone wrong. I'm actually in danger. I think that like this emotional reaction is death. That's what your amygdala, the part of your brain that is connected to your nervous system, the part of your brain that like wants to keep you safe, that's what it thinks is this emotional discomfort that I'm feeling means I might die. Even though we know you're not actually gonna die, your brain doesn't know that. Your brain can't tell the difference. Your brain thinks emotional like survival is the same as actual physical survival. And so it's just like, okay, we're gonna die because this feels really bad and I don't like it. So when you have one of these stories going on that says you're less than or you're falling behind, or you're not doing it good enough, or your family is broken, and then your body responds like something truly is threatening your survival, like your heart is racing and your chest tightens, and your uh shoulders raise, and you're you're it's hard to swallow, and the you can feel the anxiety in your stomach. And from that heightened, dysregulated place, the comparison gets louder, the story gets stronger, and it's really hard to see through, right? It's really hard to stop that spiral. But here's what I want you to think about and practice when you're in those moments. It's reminding yourself listen, body and brain, in this moment, my survival is not threatened. In this moment, I'm not in danger. In this moment I am safe. And if you can get yourself into that place of where you're validating what you're feeling, but reminding yourself I'm actually safe in this moment, that's gonna help calm your nervous system down a little bit, even if it's just like a degree. And it's gonna help bring your prefrontal cortex back online. Your prefrontal cortex is the part of your brain that is like the logical part of your brain, the part that makes decisions, the part that can problem solve. And that's the part that you want online on board when you're in this comparison thing, because this is gonna help you pull you out of it, right? So you gotta do your best to in these moments anchor into this idea of, ah, I see what's happening here. I recognize my nervous system is heightened. I recognize I'm feeling unsafe. I'm going to remind myself through a grounding practice, through a somatic practice, which just means like a body. Like I'm in, I'm I'm connected to my body and I see what's happening. And I'm gonna remind myself in this moment, I am safe. I see what's going on. I'm believing that what Instagram is showing me with this shiny, perfect other woman's life, that I'm believing that I'm less than in some way. Okay, I get it. Like I understand what's happening here. And we just like slow things down from there.

Five Steps To Break The Spiral

Karin Nelson 12:34

So I want to talk about like practical steps that you can take when you find yourself in these moments. That was just one. But I'm gonna like tie it into five steps so that you'll know exactly what to do. It's almost like you'll have this safety plan for yourself when you find yourself in this comparison trap that we so often find ourselves in as we go through a divorce. Because having the information at your fingertips is really great, but it's not useful and it doesn't help you at all if you're not willing to implement. And if you have these steps, then you're more likely to actually try them, try them out, and see what works for you. So, step number one, we want to just notice it. We want to just notice it without judging ourselves, right? It's that awareness step. It's the step that's always the first step because without awareness, like we don't even know what's happening. So we gotta have the awareness. So we just notice it and then we don't like shit all over ourselves for noticing it or for doing it or for showing up in that way. We just catch ourselves and then we go, oh, right. I see what my brain is doing. I see the comparison. I I see it. That could be enough to just stop you in your tracks. Now, it doesn't mean that you're not gonna like get better at it from there, but awareness is huge. And we don't want to go from awareness into shame, like, oh, I'm so stupid. I can't believe I did that again. I thought I was past this. Like, that's shame. We don't need that. But let's just like shoot for some neutrality here. Like, oh, there's my brain comparing again. This is the natural thing that my brain does. Like, see how neutral that is compared to, oh, I can't believe I did that again. I'm so dumb. How could I do that? What's wrong with me? Right? Like, there's definitely an air of I'm shaming myself over, yeah, this is what my brain does, and I see it. Okay. And we just kind of are like with acceptance of where we're at. Because again, you're not doing anything wrong, you're doing a very normal thing that a brain does. So, first step is awareness, and we don't shame ourselves for being aware of what we're doing, right? Step two is we want to be able to separate facts from story because our brain is really good at telling us the story of what everything means. That, again, it's a natural thing that our brain does, and our brain is really good at it, but it's not always useful. It's not always helpful, and most of the time, it's not even true. And so we want to be able to separate facts from story. Like, this is very core of what I teach my clients to do. And it can be incredibly life-changing if we will let it be, and if we can practice it and get better at it. So we want to ask like, what are the actual objective facts that are going on here? Now, remember, there's a difference between fact and truth, because facts are objective. Truth could be subjective, depending on the person, right? So we want to get facts, anything that's objective. So, like a thing that anyone could observe and agree, this is all the thing. So, like, I have two children. That's an objective fact. I have two children that I birthed, two children that came out of me. That's an objective fact, right? So, what you want to do is you want to take the story that's happening in your head, write it down on paper, and then circle the facts and then underline anything else that is the story, anything else that is the subjective messaging that we're telling ourselves. Because facts are neutral, they don't carry emotion. And story is like that person's family is whole and complete because they have a mother, father, and two kids. Mine's messed up and screwed up because I only have just me and the kids now. Right? That's all subjective. There's like, yes, there's two kids, and yes, there's two kids over here. Those are the facts, but all of the other stuff, that's all subjective. So that's what you want to do next is separate the facts from the story. Step three is we want to come back to our body because our body is very smart and it very often gives us lots of information that we can work off of. So, comparison, it's pretty much always gonna live in your head. It's gonna live in that story of what you're telling yourself and the meaning that you're giving it. It's gonna live in the past, it's gonna live in the future, it's gonna live in the worthiness of like, I'm not good enough in some way. So we want to get back to our body and we want to get into the present moment because in the present moment, that's just objectively where we are right now. We want to get into our body and understand what I am actually feeling and where am I feeling it? So notice your feet on the floor. Notice how they feel, notice what's happening in your limbs, notice what's going on in your stomach. Describe it in physiologic terms, right? Just notice and bring it back to your body because anytime we're present in our body and we're really understanding what's happening, that is grounding. That is taking us out of our head and into our body. Step four, I want you to be nice to yourself. I want you to be kind to yourself as you go through this process. Most of the time when we are in a comparison trap, we're like, well, I'm just being real with myself. I'm just being like realistic with what's actually going on. No, you're not. That is not what's happening. You're not being realistic with anything. What you're doing is spinning a story that, as I described before, you already believe and you can't see anything outside of that story. And we don't meet that with shame and with guilt and with criticism. We meet it with kindness, we meet it with self-compassion, we meet it with gentleness. The comparison is already being harsh. The comparison is already being mean and critical. And once you've noticed it, and once you've separated the fact from the story, and once you've gotten into your body, I want you to offer I want to offer you the next step as some self-compassion. Things like learning how to not compare myself is really hard. And I'm I'm getting better at doing it, or I'm learning how to get better at doing it. I'm learning how to get better at not comparing. Or I get to decide what my life looks like now. Or maybe even it's just, listen, I got you. This is really hard. I'm gonna just figure it out one step at a time. Like, that's it. It doesn't have to go crazy. You don't have to say you're the most perfect human being that ever lived. Like, we just start really neutral. Like, hey, I got you. This is hard. That's it. So we want to start there. And then step five is I want you to think about when these comparison thoughts come into our head. This is an analogy that I've used before, and it might resonate with you. It's resonated with some of my clients in a really powerful way. But I just want you to like notice the thoughts that come in, and we don't have to attach ourselves to any of them. We don't have to attach to a story or believe that they're true. We just notice the thoughts in our head almost like we notice if we're outside and there's there's a flock of birds flying overhead. We don't try and like grab one of the birds and bring it down with us, right? We just notice the flock flying overhead. So I want you to do that with your thoughts when it comes to these comparison thoughts. We just notice them. We just let them be present in our head, but we don't have to, they don't have to mean anything. And so we just notice them like they're a flock of birds and they're just flying overhead. They're just flying through the those thoughts, they are just flying through our brain, right? We don't have to push it away. We don't have to not think about it. We don't have to tell ourselves it's not okay to think that, or why can't you be over it? We just watch them. We just notice the thought. Oh, yeah, there's that thought of that lady over there has a better life than I do. Okay. I'm just gonna notice that thought go by, just like we would if it was a flock of birds, right? Because when you can observe the comparison without grabbing onto it or making it mean something or making it mean you're doing it wrong, it's just gonna pass on through.

Choosing Your Own Standards Again

Karin Nelson 21:49

There are so many things that we compare ourselves against, like what a family looks like, or what success looks like, or what a woman your age is supposed to be. Supposed to have figured out or is supposed to look like, or is, you know, what it means to be a mom outside of marriage, what it means to be a woman outside of marriage. Like we have all of these things that we, and so many more than I just mentioned, right? But that we naturally will want to compare ourselves to. And those standards that we typically like measure everything by, I want you to know that so many of those standards, they were handed to you. You didn't come up with them on your own. You didn't like figure it out on your own. You didn't even choose them typically. They were handed to you from culture and from religion and from television and from the way you were raised and who raised you and what books you've read and what movies you've seen and who you talk to. From a world that was decided long before you got here. And you've been measuring yourself against those, me too, your whole entire life, without even realizing it many of the times. And I want you to know you're allowed to stop. You're allowed to look at the actual life, look at your actual family, your actual situation, and decide for yourself what it means. Decide for yourself what happiness looks like, decide for yourself what success looks like. Decide for yourself who you are as a divorced woman, what it means to be a mom who's divorced, what it means to be a woman who's divorced. You get to decide for you. That is where you're gonna find freedom. And that's where you're going to step into allowing the comparison trap to stop. You are not behind anything. You're not broken, you're not less than because you are going through a divorce. You're not a bad mom because you're divorced. You're doing things that are brave and real and hard. And you're doing the work of becoming you again, and that is to be celebrated. All right, my friends. Thank you so much for being here. I will be back next week.

Coaching Offer And Final Requests

Karin Nelson 24:05

Hi, friend. I'm so glad you're here and thanks for listening. I wanted to let you know that if you're wanting more, a way to make deeper, more lasting change, then working one-on-one with me as your coach may be exactly what you need. Together, we'll take everything you're learning in the podcast and implement it in your life with weekly coaching, real life practice, and practical guidance. To learn more about how to work with me one-on-one, go to Karin Nelson Coaching.com. That's www.karinnelsoncoaching.com. Thanks for listening. If this podcast agreed with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating wherever you listen to podcasts. And for more details about how I can help you live an even better life than when you were married, make sure and check out the full show notes by clicking the link in the description.