Stop Carrying Everyone's Feelings After Divorce

You can’t heal when you’re carrying emotions that were never yours to hold. If you’ve been trying to keep your ex calm, your kids happy, your mom reassured, your coworkers comfortable, and everyone else okay, this conversation is the the wake up call you need.
 
I walk through a simple but life changing truth: your thoughts create your feelings, and their thoughts create theirs. That means your ex doesn’t “make” you feel anything, and you don’t “make” him feel anything either. I’ll unpack why so many women have been trained into emotional labor and people pleasing, and how that training shows up after divorce as overexplaining, unnecessary apologizing, softening boundaries, and living on edge while you monitor someone else’s mood.
 
We also talk about what real kindness looks like when you stop taking ownership of other people’s emotions. You’ll learn how to hold space without spiraling into guilt, how to apologize when it’s truly warranted without being defensive, and how emotional detachment after divorce can actually make you more present, more loving, and more grounded. I end the episode with a practical awareness exercise you can use right now to reclaim your energy and set boundaries without managing the reaction.
 
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Transcript

Welcome And The Emotional Weight

Karin Nelson 0:00

Hi, welcome to Becoming You Again, the podcast for divorcing and divorced women who want to stop carrying emotional weight that was never theirs to begin with and start reclaiming their own lives. I'm your host, Karen Nelson, a divorce coach with a passion for helping women take radical ownership of their emotional lives so they can heal, grow, and rediscover who they really are. In today's episode, I'm talking about the exhausting cycle of feeling responsible for everyone else's feelings, your exes, your kids, your moms, your friends, your coworkers, and how you can finally release that weight, set boundaries without feeling guilt, and reclaim your energy, attention, and emotional freedom. Let's dive in. Welcome to Becoming You Again, the podcast where you learn to step into your power as a woman in this world, where you learn to reconnect to your wholeness, your integrity, and bring into alignment your brain, your body, and your intuition after divorce. This is the podcast where you learn to trust yourself again and move forward toward a life that you truly want. You are listening to Becoming You Again, and I am your host, Karen Nelson. Hello, my lovely, lovely ladies. I am so happy that you are here listening to Becoming You Again. I am your host, Karen Nelson. I am, as always, happy that you are here. Whether you are on your walk or driving to pick up your kids or just having a moment to yourself, I see you and I love you, and I am so happy that you are doing the work on yourself. All right. So in today's episode, I am talking about something that I feel is really important. I say this every time, but I do think that like if it's something that you pay attention to, it can really help you heal and move forward in a direction that you want to be going in in your life. I did an episode of, I did an episode on this topic way, way back at the very beginning of my podcast. And it's still one of the most popular episodes that I have. It's episode four where I'm talking about emotional detachment after divorce. And so I'm going to like kind of continue and expand on that idea of what it actually means to detach from the emotions of other people and take responsibility for your own emotional life. And that also means letting other people take responsibility for their own emotional lives, right? So if you haven't listened to that one yet, go back and listen to it. I think it's pretty short, maybe 15 minutes or something. I can't really remember. It's so long ago. I mean, we're at like episode 260 something, I think. So it was a while ago, but I promise you it's a popular one and it will be helpful and give you like some background info or maybe just different info than what you're gonna get in today's episode. Because I'm gonna take today's episode a little bit deeper into something that I know may feel uncomfortable, but also very freeing at the same time. So I want to talk about the flip side of emotional responsibility because I am constantly teaching you that our thoughts are what create our feelings, right? Our feelings and what we're feeling inside of our body, like sadness, happiness, joy, anger, frustration, all of that, it's not coming from something that your ex did or said. It's not coming from something that your kids did or said. It's not coming from that email that your boss sent you. It's not coming from your circumstances. It's not coming from your ex asking for an extra night during your time and because he wants to spend a little bit extra time with the kids because his mom is coming into town or something. Like it the anger, the frustration is not coming from that, right? You are the creator of your own emotional experience. But that is powerful to know that and to accept that and lean into that. So that's where I think that's what I talk about in that other episode. If you're not quite sure you don't really like get that or understand that, go listen to that episode. All right. But this is where things get really, really interesting and where many of my clients, many of you listening, get stuck. Because here's what I want you to understand. If other people don't create your feelings, you also don't create theirs. Isn't that like kind of a cool concept? It takes a lot of pressure off of you having to show up in some certain kind of way, right? Or being the people pleaser. Because if they aren't creating how you're feeling, you also aren't creating how they feel. Let that sink in for just a minute. Maybe think about it for a second. I really want you to hear this. You are not responsible for how your ex-husband feels. You didn't make him angry. You aren't responsible for if he likes what you say or doesn't like what you say, or if he's mad at you or not. You're not responsible for that. You are not responsible for how your kids feel every single moment of the day. You are not responsible for that. You are not responsible for how your mom feels about your divorce, or what she thinks about it, or if she's mad about it, or if she's sad about it. You're not responsible for that. You're not responsible for your friends and how they feel if you cancel plans because you're utterly exhausted. You're not responsible for if your coworkers get upset because you have to leave early because you have to pick your kids up from the custody exchange, right? Like, I know that probably like some of you out there are thinking, um, Karen, that is the most selfish thing I have literally ever heard you say. And that reaction to this idea of not being in charge of other people's emotions and how they feel and what they're feeling, and same for you, they're not in charge of what you feel. That is exactly what I want to talk about and break down today in this episode. So, Cara Lowenthiel, she is a mentor of mine. I'm taking a coaching certification from her. She has been a master certified life coach for years. She is a brilliant woman. I deeply respect everything that she teaches, but she teaches this concept absolutely beautifully. And she points out that women are so deeply socialized to take responsibility for how other people feel that we are supposed to make social situations like feel friendly and make everyone feel comfortable and valued and make sure men feel good about themselves, right? Like I talk about this all the time on my podcast, but it's so true. There is this whole invisible list of things that women are supposed to do and we are supposed to manage on behalf of literally everyone around us. And we have internalized that list so completely that when someone tells us we hurt their feelings, we don't even question it. We just immediately think that must be true, and I need to fix it. I need to fix how I showed up or what I said or what I did, and so on. But the actual truth here is other people's feelings come from their thoughts, not from you, not what you did or said in the same way that your feelings come from your thoughts, not something that your ex did or said. Think about it this way, okay? Have you ever said something to your ex, and one day he was like totally on board, totally fine with it, and then another day he's like super mad when you say it? Like, same words, same tone, totally different reaction. The difference wasn't you or something you said, the difference was whatever was going on inside his brain, the story that was happening for him on that those given days, his thoughts, his story, his mood. You were just the circumstance, and then he had thoughts about it, which created what he was feeling. So going back to the way Cara describes this because she's so good at describing it, you are always just the neutral circumstance in someone else's mental and emotional model. Okay? Like you exist, you say something, and then they have thoughts about it that creates their feelings. You cannot control their thoughts. You never could. You cannot control that and whatever they're thinking and the story that they're telling themselves about it, based off of their life and their experiences and just the way their brain works and what they believe and all of that creates how they're feeling. You were never in control of that. And yet, how much of your life have you spent trying to control someone else's mood, how they feel, how they show up? We do this as women, right? We do this all the time. How much energy have you burned down trying to phrase things just right so that he won't get angry? I know so many women who have done this throughout their entire marriages. I did this throughout my entire marriage because it felt safer to try, to try and control the mood and not have him get angry. Even though I knew that it could never work, even though I knew deep down I never actually had control over that, I would still try. We all do it. This is a very normal, natural thing that we do. But I want to unwind that for you. I want you to disconnect from it because it will give you so much more power and freedom in your life when you do. But like, how many times have you shrunk yourself or softened your boundaries or apologized for things that weren't even your fault or that you shouldn't be apologizing for? That is something that I still struggle with. I still struggle with apologizing for things that are literally not my fault. I have no control over and I shouldn't be apologizing for. And I still do it. And I have to catch myself and be like, I don't need to apologize for that. That is not anything that I did or shouldn't have done or shouldn't have said or any of that, right? And it creates this exhaustion for us and this overwhelm for us when we try to take on the emotional responsibility of everyone around us. That was never yours to begin with. And it is a cycle that keeps you stuck. Here's what happens when you believe that you are responsible for somebody else's feelings. Let's say that your ex texts you something and it's just like a cold, kind of dismissive text. You feel hurt. And because you've been taught that you're responsible for keeping the emotional peace, you immediately go into, uh oh, I feel very hurt by this, but he's obviously mad. And so how do I fix this? You overexplain, you apologize, even when you have nothing to apologize for. In fact, you're the one that like feels like they are owed an apology, but you know you're never going to get it from your ex, and you don't want him to bit be mad because he might like extend this, he might like drag it out, he might do something. And so you're trying to just smooth things over so that he will stop being upset, so that you can stop feeling guilty or sad or hurt or whatever. But here's the problem with that scenario. You can't make him stop being upset. You can't make him stop being angry because his feelings come from his thoughts and you do not control those. But you keep trying, and maybe or maybe not, he's gonna soften or he's gonna change his mind. And in the meantime, all you're doing is you're completely consumed by his emotional state. You're worrying. You're like, oh no, what's he gonna do? What's gonna be his next step? And instead, you are abandoning yourself over and over again. You're not allowing your own healing, you're not moving on to your next step, you're not focused on your own life, you're not focused on what's the best decision for me and how I want to show up, who do I want to be in this moment? You're like completely overriding all of that, trying to smooth over how he feels and hoping, I'm gonna put that in quotes, hoping that he will not be angry about whatever it is that he's angry about. When you take emotional responsibility for someone else, you become basically enmeshed in trying to change them because you're making their feelings mean something about you. You're telling yourself, like, oh no, he's upset. It means that I did something wrong. And then you can't feel okay until he feels okay. Which we've basically already established. You can't make that happen. You can't make him feel okay. Which means you can never feel okay until he feels okay, which is going to be never because he's not ever going to feel okay because you can't make him feel okay, right? It's like this, it's like this cycle that has no exit. It's like a circle with no exit to get out of the circle. And there's no kindness involved in this for you or for him, right? Here's what true kindness looks like. Because if we don't want to be selfish, as we kind of established early earlier, like, well, not caring about how other people feel is so selfish, right? Kind of established that might be what you're thinking. I get it. So, how do we want to show up? We want to be kind. If we know we can't control how other people feel in life, and that they don't control how we feel, right? We want to show up as kind. By kind, I mean like sustainable kind. A place that it's like full of compassion for someone else's experience without having to take ownership over it. And again, not saying you have to be compassionate for your ex if you don't want to. You don't have to. But being kind just means I'm going to let you be in charge of keeping your own side of the street clean, and I'm gonna be in charge of keeping my side of the street clean. That's what I mean by kind. You don't have to like shit on them, but you also don't have to like rub it in either or try and change how they're feeling. So you can hold space for the fact that your ex is having a hard time without deciding that his hard time is your fault, or it's because of something that you did or said. You can acknowledge that your kids might be struggling with the transition of the divorce without spiraling into guilt that it's all because of you. Or you can own that yes, it's because of a decision that you made, and how do I want to support them through what they are feeling? I don't need to take it on and feel guilty, but I can support them through it. You can see that your mom is worried about the divorce or sad about the divorce without taking on the job of relieving that worry at the cost of your own peace or at the cost of you constantly worrying about her worrying. Right. So here's something that I want you to just let sit with you for a minute. When you truly release the belief that you are the cause of other people's feelings, in those moments, you can apologize freely and genuinely in moments where you feel it is warranted. Not because you're trying to manage their emotions or change how they feel, but because you actually care. When you're not defensive, when you're not resistant, when you're not trying to control the outcome of how they feel, you become so much more loving, so much more present, so much more aware of what's actually happening for them. And because you're not running on the exhaustion of how do I make this person feel differently so that they can feel okay and I can feel okay, right? That's when you get to show up as authentic you of like, oh, okay, listen, maybe this does call for an apology. And it's totally okay for me to apologize because I don't have to be defensive about this. I can feel bad for them feeling a certain way and just acknowledge like words that I said could have felt really painful to them. And I don't need to be defensive about that, but I also don't need to change it for them, but I can still apologize. Right? This is like, this is one of the greatest things that has freed me as a parent from needing my kids to show up a certain way, but also being able to be kind and loving to them in moments where I may have done something wrong as a parent. Most of the time it's not intentional. We love our kids and we don't want to hurt them, but we will do things in our life that will hurt them. And it doesn't mean that we have to try and change it or take it away because it's too like that's in the past. We can't change the past, but we can apologize, we can own it without needing them to show up in a certain way or change how they're feeling or any of that. We hold space for them, we love them through it, and we show up with kindness, not defensive, and we apologize for what we feel is a warranted apology, and then we let them feel what they're feeling and we just let it be, right? Like this is the most freeing thing that you can do for yourself if you can recognize you are not creating somebody else's feelings and you're not in charge of their emotional life, and they also did not create those things for you in the ways that they showed up. So here's how I want to connect it back to what I taught in episode four about the emotional detachment. Emotional detachment from your divorce doesn't mean that you stop caring about the people in your life, right? It doesn't mean that you become more selfish or that you become cold or distant, or you stop being a loving mother or a thoughtful co-parent, even. It doesn't mean that you have to be like the bitch in every conversation with your ex, right? You can be if you want, but you don't have to be. It means that you stop letting other people's emotional state determine your own. Meaning you stop letting other people, how they show up around you, determine how you are going to feel. You just take full ownership of your feelings because your feelings come from your thoughts and you are the thinker of those thoughts. And then you release ownership of being in charge of everyone else's feelings because their feelings come from their thoughts. And you are not the thinker that's inside their head. Doesn't mean that you don't set boundaries and take care of yourself and protect yourself, right? It doesn't mean that I'm not saying that like if your ex is just like spewing like hate and abuse at you, that you just take it and you're just like, he can't make me feel anything. His words don't affect me because like he can't make me feel because of what he's saying. Like, that's not what I'm saying at all. You can set a boundary, me, like you don't get to speak to me that way, right? I will not be talking to you if you're gonna spew these emotional, this emotional abuse at me. I will not be having these conversations. I will not be around you when you're gonna talk this way. Like you can totally set a boundary by taking responsibility over your own emotional life without needing him to change. You are allowed to say no without managing his reaction to that no. You're allowed to make a decision that is right for you and your family without spending three weeks hemming and hawing about the emotional labor of how somebody's gonna react to your decision and if they might show up uncomfortable or feel discomfort based on your decision. You're allowed to do that. So, this is how we start to practice this in everyday life. I want you to start to notice the moments when you are feeling responsible for somebody else's emotional being, emotional state. I want you to notice if you are about to shrink or not say something because of how it might make someone feel, or apologize unnecessarily, or overexplain yourself to try to manage someone's potential possible reaction or mood around it. Remind yourself in those moments that you do not need to carry anyone else's emotional labor and then ask yourself: can I be okay with letting this person feel what they are feeling without needing to change it, without needing to smooth it over, without needing to fix it so that I can feel different? What would it look like for me in this moment to just hold space for someone to feel whatever they're feeling? What does compassion for them and for myself look like in this moment? Like you do not have to fix how someone else is feeling. You just have to notice it, be aware with be aware of it, hold space for them if you need to, or set a boundary if you need to. Awareness in this is everything, right? Awareness is always the beginning, it's where light comes. In and we start to recognize what's going on. And from that place of awareness, that's where you can start to like grab onto something really huge, which is your energy, your attention, your own emotional life. It's that keeping your side of the street clean, as Taylor Swift likes to say in her amazing song Karma, right? Keep your side of the street clean. That's where it all begins. And that is where you are going to become you when you can lean into accepting responsibility for your own emotional life and letting other people be responsible for theirs as well. All right, my friends, practice this. Start to notice it in your own life. I believe in you. You are amazing. You can do this. It will change your life if you will let it. Thank you so much for being here. I will be back next week. Hi, friend. I'm so glad you're here and thanks for listening. I wanted to let you know that if you're wanting more, a way to make deeper, more lasting change, then working one-on-one with me as your coach may be exactly what you need. Together, we'll take everything you're learning in the podcast and implement it in your life with weekly coaching, real life practice, and practical guidance. To learn more about how to work with me one-on-one, go to Karen Nelson Coaching.com. That's www.karincoaching.com. Thanks for listening. If this podcast agreed with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating wherever you listen to podcasts. And for more details about how I can help you live an even better life than when you were married, make sure and check out the full show notes by clicking the link in the description.