Your Values Are Your Roadmap After Divorce

Divorce can make even simple choices feel impossible because you’re not just changing your schedule, you’re rebuilding your identity. When you’re flooded with decisions about where to live, how to co-parent, what work looks like now, and who you want to be on the other side, you need something steadier than opinions and “shoulds.” That’s where your values come in.
 
I share why personal values are one of the most overlooked tools for divorce recovery and life after divorce, and how getting clear on what truly matters to you creates a practical decision-making compass. I talk about the difference between values you inherited from family, religion, or culture and the values you actively choose because they fit your intuition, your lived experience, and the woman you’re becoming.
 
I also dig into extrinsic goals versus intrinsic goals and why chasing outside approval can feel so gross. You’ll understand how patriarchy uses measuring sticks for women to live a constrained life and how to decide whether you want to continue using those measuring sticks in your own life. 

You’ll leave with with prompts to identify a handful of core values and start using them as a filter for relationships, boundaries, rest, authenticity, and your next big steps.
 
If you’re ready to reconnect with self-trust and build a future that feels like yours, listen now, then subscribe, share with a friend who needs it, and leave a quick review so more women can find the support.

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Transcript

Welcome And A Joy Reset

Karin Nelson 0:00

This is Becoming You Again, episode number 264, and I am your host, Karin Nelson. Welcome to Becoming You Again, the podcast where you learn to step into your power as a woman in this world, where you learn to reconnect to your wholeness, your integrity, and bring into alignment your brain, your body, and your intuition after divorce. This is the podcast where you learn to trust yourself again and move forward toward a life that you truly want. You are listening to Becoming You Again, and I am your host, Karin Nelson. Welcome back to the podcast. As always, I am so, so happy that you're here. I have to say, this past weekend I went and saw the movie Project Hail Mary. And about a month, or maybe two months before, I had just finished the book. And I might have talked about it. I think I talked about it on the podcast. I can't really remember, but about when I finished the book and how much I loved it. The book is incredible. It's so good. And you know me, I love to listen to books. And the narrator of Project Hail Mary is probably one of the best narrators I've ever heard. He was incredible. Um, and sometimes when I finish a book too close to when the movie is gonna come out, I don't really want to see it, but I gave myself permission. Like I knew this movie was coming out, right? Which is one of the reasons why I read the book. And so I gave myself permission when I knew I was gonna go see the movie to just let it be what it is. To just do my best to let go of needing the movie to be like exactly like the book or totally different from the book, or just something. I just I I tried to really do my best with the mindset of like, let's just let the movie be what it is and let the book be what it is, and it's okay if they're like separate and different in specific ways. And I really truly think that because I had that like intention and that mindset going into seeing the movie, that I loved the movie too. Because I I know people who have read the book and really didn't like the movie, and I know people who didn't read the book and absolutely love the movie, and I felt like I love both. Um, if I had to choose, I would say the book because it just goes into so much more detail. But the movie is so great. And if you are really struggling right now in your divorce, which you might be, you might really be struggling emotionally, mentally, physically, even with like the exhaustion and the change and the transition, all the things, right? So if you're really struggling and you just need something that is going to create an environment of like uh joy and peace and love and something different than where you at are at right now, I would say go see this movie because this movie creates that environment and you will have a real opportunity to feel those things if they've been missing from your life for a little while. So there's my little plug for go take some time for yourself, create some joy if possible, and see Project Hail Mary. All right, let's jump into today's episode. Today I am talking about something that I think is one of the most underrated, like under-discussed topics. Sorry if you can hear my cat scratching on his scratcher in the background. I'm doing this early in the morning, and my cats are like much more active early in the morning. You know, they like asleep, they have sleep during the day and they're just really active during the morning. So you might hear them in the background, and I'm I apologize in advance. But one of the most underrated topics, I think, that comes when it comes to life after divorce is your values, the things that are important to you. And not just like important to you, like your kids obviously are important to you or whatever, but like the values behind why those things are important to you. And I want to talk about this from the perspective of not just the values that you were handed growing up, not the values that your ex thought that you should have or that your ex would talk about a lot, not the values that your mom is quietly praying and hoping that you'll return to, right? Your values, the ones that are truly, authentically yours, that are important to you, that connect to you, that feel in line with your intuition, your experiences, everything that makes you uniquely you. And so I want to talk about how when you get clear on what those are, they can become literally the most reliable like map or north star to guide your life by. So that when you have decisions, when you're making decisions about your future, when you're figuring out who you're becoming or how you want to show up in the world, you use those values as your guide. So for me, this is something that like I've kind of had to deconstruct and figure out from the ground up. Because most of you know, I was raised in the Mormon church, and every Sunday as a teenager, I stood in a room full of girls my age and around my age, and we recited this thing they called it was called the young women's theme at the time. I have no idea if it's still called that, but that's what it was called when I was growing up. And each week we had to like recite this, this like theme. We all said it, and it talked about having these values, and it was like faith, individual worth, integrity, some other stuff. I can't really remember. Probably if I tried, I could recite it, but I'm not going to. Um, but like the things that the church that I grew up in had decided were important values. Now, I am not saying that those things aren't important and they there are good things in that. Like, there can be a lot of meaningful good that comes out of that. However, what I have come to understand in my adult life, and as I have grown and gotten to know myself and more about the world as well, and as I have been deconstructing, you know, my relationship with this religion that I was raised in, those values were handed to me, like on a platter. And I was told, this is the way you need to live, these are the things that you need to think are important, this is how you guide your life. I didn't get to decide. I didn't get to choose them. I was told. And there is a really big difference between the values that you inherit and the values that you actually claim, the values that you actually choose, the values that actually feel aligned with you. So again, not saying the inherited values are bad. Some of them still might align with you. But if you have never sat down and actually just asked yourself, what do I actually value? What do I want to use as my guide? What is important to me, then you might have been, probably have been, like I was, navigating your life with somebody else's map. And after divorce, when everything is being rebuilt anyway, and you're not quite sure exactly where you're going or what direction you're going or where you want to end up, right? This is the perfect, perfect time to draw your own map, to lead with your own North Star. So I want to get clear on what we're even talking about here. Your values are the ideals and the beliefs that feel most important to you. So, like the qualities, the principles that you want to guide, how you live, how you make your choices, how you show up in your relationships, all of that. It's literally like your North Star. What you go back to time and time again on where do I want to go from here? Right. Most of us, we're already using our values to make decisions. We just probably don't realize it. When you get to that gut level of no, like, no, I'm not doing it. No, I would never do that. No, I would never, like, whatever, right? When you feel that gut feeling about something, that is often like your value being completely violated. You just may not recognize it or be aware of it. And when something feels so right to you, and it's just like immediate, you absolutely know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that is usually a value of yours being honored, like feeling in alignment with your intuition. So the goal with this podcast is to help you make all of that conscious instead of just reactive. I know what you're thinking. You're in the middle of divorce, or you're on the other side of it, and you found yourself thinking, I don't even know who I am anymore. First of all, you are so not alone in this. And second of all, I made something just for you. It's called 115 Ways to Get to Know You, and it's a $7 guide filled with ideas to help you reconnect with yourself, your wants, your passions, your personality, in ways that you might have forgotten were even possible. I'm talking about creativity, adventure, self-care, joy, emotional healing, all of it. And the best part? You get to pick what feels good to you. There are no pressures, there's no rules, just permission for you to explore. Because the truth is, your relationship with yourself is the most important one you'll ever have. And it's never too late to start building it. Find the link in the show notes to grab your copy today for just seven dollars. I can't wait for you to dig in. And the reason why this matters so much specifically for divorce is when you are at the end of your marriage or at the end of that relationship, we are like completely flooded with decisions, right? Where am I going to live? Am I gonna stay here? Am I gonna sell the house? Am I gonna just have to move somewhere else? Do I move to a completely different place? Like, what does that look like? How do I handle co-parenting? What kind of a person do I want to be? How do I be a mom that isn't like a married woman anymore? Or a married woman in a relationship with this other person who created these kids with anymore, right? Like, do I go back to work? What kind of a relationship, if any, do I want to have in the future? Who do I want to be now that I'm not a wife in a marriage anymore? Like, there's so many decisions, so many questions. And so when you have that clear value set, the decisions that might feel really big and really terrifying because you might be making them from fear or from trying to do what other people are telling you to do, or what might feel socially just acceptable, or from trying to like people please others around you, that kind of fades away because you have your own values as your compass, as your guide, as your filter. And so every single one of those decisions goes through that filter and you can ask one simple question Well, does this align with what I've decided matters most to me? Does this thing align with what I have decided matters most to me? And when you ask yourself that question and you know what your value set is, everything else just right aligns right up with it because you know which direction you need to go. I have been in this coaching certification, getting more certifications, more tools, more learning how to best serve my clients over the last several months. And the woman who created the certification, her name is Cara Lohendhil. She is a brilliant woman, and she has been teaching this concept of intrinsic and extrinsic goals in our certification. And I'm finding it really important and fascinating. And so I wanted to just share this concept with you directly. So Kara teaches the difference between extrinsically motivated goals and intrinsically motivated goals, right? So an extrinsic goal is one you might be going after because of external pressure, right? Maybe think about like when you grew up, did your parents have pressure that they put on you to be a certain thing, to reach a certain goal, to like get straight A's, to be on the team and always win? Like that, that's kind of like the external, the extrinsically motivated goals, right? What you think you should be doing, what seems sensible, what other people will approve of, what society says counts or matters. And when you are living your life and running after those extrinsic goals, what you're essentially doing is you are hustling for your worth. You are constantly measuring yourself against this outside standard that you have to like kind of live up to, right? It's exhausting because it's never ending. And the measuring stick can always change when you're not the one that's in charge of the goal post, right? And what I want to really like point out here where so much of that external pressure comes from is patriarchy. A huge portion of extrinsic goals that we have been handed as women is a direct product of patriarchy. And I want to like just give a quick explanation of what patriarchy actually is, because it can turn a lot of people off because they don't understand what it is. But patriarchy is a system. It was a system that was built historically, culturally, institutionally, and it's around this idea that a woman's worth is measured by her usefulness to other people, by how well she keeps her home. Like if does she keep it nice? Does it look, is it always clean? Does she always have dinner on the table, right? By whether she's married? Is she in a relationship? Has she been chosen? How good of a mother is she? Can we measure it by that? Are her kids successful? And if they are, then we can decide she's a good mom. And if they're not, then we're gonna, she's probably a shitty mom, right? Like that's kind of the measuring stick that we've been handed because of patriarchy. How much space does she take up? Does she rock the boat? Does she use her voice? Does she have demands? Because if so, she's probably not gonna fit into this role. And and right, that's how patriarchy like shows up in this measuring stick of extrinsic goals. Um, and so when you're going through a divorce and your brain is screaming things like, what are people gonna think of me if I do this? Or, oh man, I just really should have tried harder. Or I really need to get remarried quickly so that my life looks normal, feels normal again. I want you to know that a lot of that is not your voice. Those ideas didn't come to you just magically. You didn't come up with that on your own. That came from the system that has been telling you since you were a little girl what your life is supposed to look like and what makes you valuable. But this is something that I also want to point out about patriarchy, is it doesn't just hurt women, right? It hurts men too. I talk about this with my clients sometimes when we're talking about their new partners or even their exes when we're trying to like coach around things that are going on. I have to point out that, like, as we live in this world, in this patriarchal system, the men do too, right? And patriarchy tells men that their worth is measured by their income, by their status, by their ability to just shut off their emotions completely and be stoic, that they they're told that they don't need to feel anything, that they don't have feelings. And if they do, there's something wrong with them. That if they get emotional, they're weak. Or if they express their emotions, that's shameful. And that their value is only wrapped up in what they can provide, right? So when we're talking about breaking free from these extrinsic goals and from chasing what the world is telling us we should want, we're talking about something that affects everyone, not just women, but everyone. But of course, this podcast is always directed toward my ladies out there who I love so, so much. But for women going through divorce specifically, this work is really important to dismantle, to recognize, to understand. Because divorce definitely has that way of stripping a lot of the external markers that we have been told make us worthy, right? It strips it away. And that can feel really heavy and really scary unless and until you realize that those markers that we've been given, they were never the real measure of who you are or what your worth is or where your value comes from. Now, going back to this exturn extrinsic and intrinsic, right? An intrinsic goal comes from your own values, your own desires, your own sense of what actually matters to you. Now, these goals, they might not look impressive to anyone else outside of you. It might not be what your mom thinks that you should be doing, or what your other married friends think your life should look like now, or they might all think you're making a huge mistake, but it's yours. And goals that are truly yours are the ones that you will actually pursue, that you will actually go after, that you will actually feel aligned with, with energy, with commitment, with follow-through. Now, it doesn't mean that it's gonna be easy or that you're never gonna feel that you're always gonna feel motivated, right? It's not really how that works, but you will feel aligned and drawn toward it. So when you sit down to figure out what you want your life after divorce to look like, I want you to ask, what do my values say? Not what should I be doing, because should is not the guiding word that we want. What do my values say? Where are my values leading me? That's where we want to be going, right? So when you're going through a divorce, it can be challenging to figure out what your values are because you might be in the thick of like the really heavy grief, and your nervous system might still be constantly in fight or flight mode. You just might be really in the early stages of like the raw hurt and pain that divorce can bring on. And so if you're there, don't worry. Like you've got time to figure all of this out. Just be gentle with yourself right now. Be kind, be compassionate with where you're at and don't force it and think that I have to have this all figured out right now or I'm gonna make the wrong decision. You're not. You're really, really not. Remember how I said you've probably been doing this for a long time anyway, you just didn't really know it. Like, well, just stay where you're at if you're really in the deep hurt of divorce and just heal from that for a little bit. But if you've done some of that healing and you're in a place where you're starting to look forward a little bit more and you're starting to ask, like, okay, now what? That's great because this is where you intentionally get to design what goes what comes next. So you can start by asking yourself, what do I want to be true about how I live? What do I want to be true about how I treat myself and about the how I treat the people that I love? What kind of experiences do I want more of? What am I no longer willing to put up with or compromise on? Right? We just start getting curious and asking ourselves those kinds of questions. And then you can start to kind of identify a few values, maybe three to five, that feel alive, that feel good, that feel aligned with you. This is the part that changes your daily life because you use those values as the filter for every decision, big ones, little ones, like for example, does this living situation honor my value of peace? Or like if peace is one of your values, or if authenticity is one of your values? Does this friendship honor my value of authenticity, right? Or like for integrity, does this person have integrity that is aligned with my definition of integrity? And do I want them in my life, right? Saying yes to this thing, honor my value of rest or of well-being or of giving to myself. Like whatever your values are, you stop asking, what does everybody else think that I should be doing? And you start asking, well, how does this align up with my values? Does it line up? And does this serve me from that place? All right. So when you get divorced, you are not starting from scratch. Your values aren't something that are just created from nothing. They're already in you. You've had them from probably the time you were little. You just didn't quite know it. But your intuition is with you from the time you're born, right? It's there, it's being developed, and you are growing closer to it every single day. You may just be a little detached from it. We just want to reconnect you to that. So it's the things that make you feel most alive, that feel make you feel whole, that make you feel in tune and reconnected with you. And divorce is hard, but it does have a way of reconnecting us to that part of ourselves. And it can also offer like this really clear vision of a version of yourself that you maybe haven't seen in a really long time. And so as you're going through this experience, this transition in your life, you get to ask, like, what do I actually want to build? And then you get to build that foundation on your values, on your vision, and it can be completely yours. Unapologetically yours. So I just want you to sit with this question as I finish out this podcast today. Just sit with this. If I were to design my life entirely around what I value most, what would be different? You don't have to have the answer. We're just gonna sit with it, let it kind of percolate in our brain and be curious about that question. Okay? All right, my loves. Thank you so much for being here. I love you. You are amazing. Remember, take care of yourself, be kind to yourself. You are doing so much better than you think. Thank you so much for being here. I will be back next week. Hi, friend. I'm so glad you're here and thanks for listening. I wanted to let you know that if you're wanting more, a way to make deeper, more lasting change, then working one-on-one with me as your coach may be exactly what you need. Together, we'll take everything you're learning in the podcast and implement it in your life with weekly coaching, real life practice, and practical guidance. To learn more about how to work with me one-on-one, go to Karin Nelson Coaching.com. That's www.k-ar-in-ne-l-s-o-n coaching.com. Thanks for listening. If this podcast agreed with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating wherever you listen to podcasts. And for more details about how I can help you live an even better life than when you were married, make sure and check out the full show notes by clicking the link in the description.