The Most Important Relationship You'll Ever Rebuild

When the marriage ends, the mirror that once reflected your worth often goes with it. I'll examine what happens when you’ve spent years using someone else to outsource your value so you can feel whole. 

I start by naming the cultural conditioning that tells women to be the supporting cast in everyone else’s story. If your worth was tied to keeping the peace, divorce can feel like failure. I challenge that script and replace it with a foundational truth: your worth is inherent, not earned. 

From there, we share small, repeatable practices to shift your inner language helping you move  from self-criticism to self-compassion with simple, real-life scripts you can say out loud. Think of it as strength training for your relationship with yourself: light reps, done daily, that add up to lasting change.

You’ll learn how to recognize validation loops, how to sit with uncomfortable truths without spiraling, and how to treat your future self like a trusted friend. I'll show you how to anchor to your own knowing when decisions feel heavy, and why compliments, new partners, or perfect co-parenting can be delightful but should never be the source of your value. 

If you’re ready to stop waiting for someone else to tell you you’re enough, press play. Subscribe for more tools each week, share this with a friend who needs it, and leave a quick review because it helps other women find their way back to themselves.

To download your FREE "Becoming You Again Podcast Map" click here. 

To schedule your complimentary consult with Karin click here.

Struggling after divorce to get to know yourself? Click here to grab my $7 guide to get started!

If this podcast resonated with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating wherever you listen to podcasts.

Transcript

Welcome And Why Self-Love Matters

Karin Nelson 0:00

Hi, I'm Karen Nelson, and I'm your host of Becoming You Again, and you are listening to episode number 256. Welcome to Becoming You Again, the podcast where you learn to step into your power as a woman in this world, where you learn to reconnect to your wholeness, your integrity, and bring into alignment your brain, your body, and your intuition after divorce. This is the podcast where you learn to trust yourself again and move forward toward a life that you truly want. You are listening to Becoming You Again, and I am your host, Karin Nelson. Welcome back to the podcast, my lovely, lovely ladies. As always, I am so, so happy that you're here. And I genuinely mean that every single time. And so I'm just going to keep saying it. I'm so happy you keep coming back. I'm so happy that you're doing the work on yourself to heal and move forward in your life in the direction that feels best and right to you. So let's dive into today's episode because I'm going to talk about something that I think is one of the most important things. And actually, I think this is the most important thing. It's the most important topics that I ever talk about on this podcast. And I have several episodes where I do talk about this topic, but I'm going to keep repeating myself, and the episodes are going to be different, and I'll have different emphasis on emphasises. Emphasis? Is that a word? Seems like there's too many S's. Emphasis? I'm not sure. You guys know probably what I mean. But either way, the theme is going to be the same. I'll talk about it in different ways, but it's because it's so important and so foundational to you becoming you again. You understanding you, you reconnecting to you. And that is self-love. Self-love after your divorce, as you're going through your divorce, as you are moving forward in your life. Now, some of you might be rolling your eyes a little bit, or you might be like, this is so overdone. Everybody talks about this, and I'm just so over it, or like, whatever. I don't know. I don't know what you're thinking. Like maybe it sounds like something that somebody tells you you need to do right before they sell you a journal that you need to write in or something, right? But I promise you that what I'm talking about, it is real, it is practical, and learning to love yourself is the thing that is going to change everything for you if you will let it, if you will open yourself up to it. Here's what I see over and over with women who like come out of their divorce. Women that are literally just like you, smart, capable, women who are loving and who gave everything of themselves to their marriages, to their kids, to their husbands, to their families. And then they come out of their divorce on the other side and they feel completely lost, not just sad, not just tired, not just overwhelmed, not just angry, but lost. Because somewhere along the way, their relationship with themselves got completely buried under all of the other relationships that they had, because they were taking care of everyone else and putting everyone else's needs first and getting to know everyone else and just discounting and de-centering and not regarding, not paying attention to themselves. And I'm speaking about all of this from personal experience. This was me. This was me. I 100% did that. When I went through my divorce, I did not have a relationship with me. I did not love myself. I didn't like myself. I didn't want to be with myself. I didn't know how to be with me. I didn't know what I liked and what I didn't like. I didn't know who I was. I didn't know what my intuition sounded like. I didn't know how to trust myself. And this is what makes divorce, I think, kind of uniquely hard. Because when you're married, you have this other person that's part of this relationship, right? Even if your marriage wasn't great, even if you had a shitty husband, like so many of us can relate to, right? Even if it was painful or challenging, or you felt lonely a lot of the time, or you just felt like you were doing all of it, or you just were like, yeah, it was fine. It was fine, right? There was still this other person. And whether you realized it or not, a lot of you out there who are listening were looking to that other person to tell you that you're okay, that you're not too much, that you're enough, that you're lovely, that you're amazing, that you are valuable, that you are beautiful, right? All of the things that we want to hear and know about ourselves. And now that person is gone, even if they never told you, even if they never told you, we still like looked to them for the permission to believe it. We looked to them for the permission to say, I'm good, I'm lovable, I'm worthy, I'm beautiful, I'm someone. And that person is gone. And so now you're just standing after your divorce going, um, okay. So who tells me that now? Who tells me so that I can believe it? Because I can't tell myself that, because if I tell myself that, I 100% don't believe it, right? Like that was how I was. And I bet that's probably how some of you are too. And so this is where it gets really, really important. Because what happens next is one of the most natural, but also not very helpful things that happen. We start looking for validation from someone else. Someone else who's close to us, probably, or somebody that we haven't met yet that we're gonna go find that validation from, right? It could sound like, why doesn't my teen like me right now? Why are they so distant? What did I do wrong? Maybe I've ruined my kids. Because we need that validation from them. Like maybe if they hang out with me, that will give me permission to believe I'm cool. My kids want to hang out with me. I'm a good mom, right? Or it could sound something like, well, if I just find a new partner, then I'll feel worthy and I'll feel loved again and then I'll know I'm okay. So I'm gonna go get on the dating apps and I'm gonna join the Facebook dating whatever and the hinge, and I don't even know what the other ones are, and I'm gonna find that guy who's gonna be like, You're so beautiful, you're so amazing, so that I can believe it, so that I can see myself through his eyes and believe it. Or maybe it sounds like I don't actually really have any really close friends right now, and it makes me feel so unliked. Like I must have done something wrong somewhere. So maybe if I get some friends, or if I try and be friendly with people, then I'll again see myself through their eyes, see that I am fun to hang out with, see that I am caring and loving and fun-loving and outgoing and like all of the things that you might want to think about yourself, but you have never given yourself permission or gotten to know about yourself, but you're waiting for other people to be able to give you that permission by the way they see you and the way they act around you. Do you see any of this in yourself? Do you hear it? Because if you do, if you're recognizing this is happening for you, I want you to first know you're not alone. I did I used to do this. I still do it in some like smaller ways, but definitely not as much as I used to. Like validation is real and it feels good when we hear when we get it from other people, right? I'm not saying that we're not gonna just magically not seek that anymore. It's fine. But like you're not alone. These are totally normal thoughts to have, ways of being. But the thing that I really need you to understand is none of those outside people, not your kids, not your teenagers, not your new partner, or that person you're going out on a date with next weekend, or your friends, your group of friends, or your family, or whoever, none of them are going to be able to fill the hole that you are trying to fill by that outside validation. Because that hole isn't about them, it is about you and you, right? Your relationship with yourself. And you are the only person that can fill that hole up. The only person. This is something that I talk about a lot. I said it before at the beginning, but I'm never gonna stop talking about this because it is that important. Your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship in your life. I don't care what anybody says. I don't care if people are like, but that's so selfish of you to have a good relationship and to put yourself first and to blah, blah, blah. Doesn't mean you always have to put yourself first. That's not what having a good relationship with yourself means or loving yourself means. Your relationship with yourself is the only relationship that you have had since the moment you were born, and it is the only one that you will have until your very last breath. And here's what's like completely crazy or amazing about it. It is the only relationship in your entire life that is 100% within your control, whether it's a good relationship or a bad relationship. You get to decide. Nobody else gets to decide that for you. You are 100% in control of whether you have a good relationship with yourself or a bad relationship with yourself, or somewhere in between, right? So let's just pause for one second and let's normalize that this might feel really uncomfortable to you. This idea of loving yourself or even liking yourself. Because that idea can feel really foreign, really far away, ridiculous even. Like, what are you even talking about? I've never done that. I never will do that. I don't understand how to do that. That is not something that I feel comfortable with. Like that could be going, those could be thoughts going through your head, right? And I want you to know if you're, if that's you, that makes total sense. Because women, especially in this Western American culture that we, that I live in, many of my listeners live in, we are raised to put ourselves last, right? We are not raised to put ourselves first in any sense of the words. We are not raised to see ourselves as the leading role in our own story. We are raised to be the supporting actor in everyone else's story. We are fed the idea that our worth comes from how useful we are, or how needed we are, or being helpful, or being pretty, or can we keep everyone else happy? Can we manage everyone else's emotions? Can we make sure everyone else is comfortable? And when you are going through your divorce, or if you're coming on the other side of your divorce, that socialization hits really hard because suddenly you feel like you failed at the one thing that you were supposed to be good at, which was taking care of everybody, making sure everybody was comfortable and happy. And if you're going through a divorce, probably wasn't possible, right? I'm just gonna give you a little secret. It's never possible to make sure everybody's comfortable and happy at all times, right? It's the whole point of this. It's the whole point of centering yourself and getting to a place where you actually love yourself and see yourself and regard yourself. So if you are in that place right now, please hear me. It makes sense that this feels challenging, that you are struggling with this. And it also does not mean that there is something wrong with you or that you're not capable of figuring out how to love yourself or figuring out who you are or figuring out how to like you. All it means is that you are a human woman who has grown up in this world and been socialized and conditioned. Okay, that's it. So we're gonna just normalize and validate the struggle that you might be having right now. But we are not going to normalize staying in this place. We're not normalizing that because you're capable of changing it. You're ready for divorce, but you have no idea what comes next. You've made the hardest decision. You know you're ready to end your marriage, but now the fear kicks in. What if you make the wrong choices? How do you handle the emotional weight you're carrying around? If you're asking questions like these and you're not sure what the next best steps are for you, don't worry, I've got you. You don't have to figure it out all alone. The right support helps you make decisions that protect your future and get you unstuck. I offer a free next step session where you come and talk about what you're going through, the emotions that you're feeling, the grief you're dealing with, and the decisions that you are having trouble making. We'll talk more about what your next steps can look like moving toward a future that you want. And we'll talk about what it could look like to continue to work together. Now, don't get me wrong, this call isn't about knowing what to put in your divorce decree or which lawyer to hire. But instead, it's about learning to make decisions from your knowing and living your life from that place. And no matter what you decide by the end of the call, you will feel heard, you will feel seen, you will feel understood, and you will have clarity on your next best step moving forward. You can schedule your free call by clicking the link in the description. So let's get practical. I'm going to talk about what you can actually do. I want to actually give you tools, which is if you've listened to any of my other podcast episodes, that's what I'm all about. Giving you actual tools that you can implement in your own life and so that you can change your life. If you just listen and do nothing, it might change a little bit in your life and you might feel a little bit better after you listen to the podcast, which is amazing. I'm glad that you do. But also, real change comes from doing things that are hard, doing things that are challenging, doing things that feel uncomfortable, and actually putting in the work to make the changes and using the tools that I'm teaching you to create change in your life. Okay. So the first thing that I want to teach you is you need to start to accept the idea that you are worthy, that you are lovable, and that you are valuable exactly as you are today, right now, without changing anything about you. You are worthy, you are valuable, you are lovable exactly as you are. You are whole, you are complete exactly as you are. You don't need to lose the weight to be worthy or lovable. You don't need to get remarried or have a partner. You don't need your kids to prove it to you or to accept you or to be your friend or to tell you that they love you, like right now. You are worthy, you are valuable, you are lovable. Right now. You are allowed to exist just because you exist. Your worth is not something that you have to earn. It is something that you were born with, and it has never left you. It has never diminished. And if that idea feels uncomfortable, I just want you to sit with that discomfort. You don't even have to fully believe it yet. It would make sense to me if you didn't yet, right? But just be willing to start to believe it a little bit. It's possible this idea of your worth and your lovability and your value is never changing. It's possible that that's true. And just sit with it. Just sit with it for a minute. And then here's here's a more practical tool besides the sitting in the discomfort, right? I want you to start practicing some self-compassion through how you talk to yourself. Because the truth is, most of us are so, so mean to ourselves in our own heads. We blame ourselves for everything. We yell at ourselves, we tell ourselves we're so stupid, we could never get it right, we could never understand, we could never grow. Things that we would like never say to our best friend, things we would never say to our kids. And they couldn't be on a loop in your head all day long. And so here's what I want you to try. I want you to try being nicer to yourself. Like, go easy on yourself, give yourself some grace and actually do this. Like, actually say it out loud. Start saying kind things to yourself. I know this sounds weird. I know this sounds uncomfortable. I get it. But I'm gonna give you a couple of examples that you can use if it feels right to you, or use it and then like tweak it to fit your life or fit your own narrative, right? But try doing this more often throughout the day and working to override that mean critical voice that shows up in your head. So here's some ideas. Thank you, body, for doing your best today. I know it was hard for both of us, and I love you all the same. Thank you, voice, for shutting when you started to yell at the kids. That was hard, but you did it anyway. I'm so grateful for a brain that can learn new things. I just texted something to my ex that was so bad. And you know what? It's okay. I am human and I am not perfect, and I still love me. Okay. So there's a couple of examples. Start with those, pick one that feels resonant, or pick it and switch it, switch the words out so that they they meet you where you're at. But that is where you have to start. We don't start with a complete mindset change with every aspect of our life. We don't love every single thing about ourselves overnight. We just start small with one little step directed at us from us, directed at you, from you. Like another way to do this could be to think about what you would say to your very best friend if she came to you and she was just absolutely hurting. She was just having the roughest time. What would you say to her? Think about the words that you would say to make her feel better, to make her feel loved. Write those down and then say them to yourself. Write them down, read them, repeat them, be gentle, be patient. Because you deserve to be that friend to yourself. And the thing is, is you can be. You can start doing that literally right now, today. Listen, you did not get out of your marriage just to spend the rest of your life waiting for someone else to tell you that you're worth something. You did not do all of this hard and painful and brave work of moving on after a divorce and making hard decisions just to hand your worth back over to your kids to decide, or some new guy, or your friends, or your family to decide whether or not you have it. Are you going to keep looking outside of yourself for what it is that you need to validate you and to fill up that hole that feels like you're missing something? Or are you going to start building the most important relationship that you have ever had and start today? This is something that you get to choose. This is something that you have absolute power over. You are born worthy just by being born. You are lovable just because you're here. And I believe that about you. And you are allowed to believe that about yourself too. All right, my friends. That is what I have for you today. Go be kind to yourself. Go work on that relationship with you. Start to love yourself. Start to like yourself. Start to figure out what makes you the unique, amazing woman that you are. Thank you for being here. I will be back next week. Hi, friend. I'm so glad you're here and thanks for listening. I wanted to let you know that if you're wanting more, a way to make deeper, more lasting change, then working one-on-one with me as your coach may be exactly what you need. Together, we'll take everything you're learning in the podcast and implement it in your life with weekly coaching, real life practice, and practical guidance. To learn more about how to work with me one-on-one, go to Karin Nelsoncoaching.com. That's www.k-ar-in-n-e-l-s-o-n coaching.com. Thanks for listening. If this podcast agreed with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating wherever you listen to podcasts. And for more details about how I can help you live an even better life than when you were married, make sure and check out the full show notes by clicking the link in the description.