Becoming You Again

Overcoming Insecurity After Divorce

• Karin Nelson • Episode 254

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0:00 | 25:03

When divorce blows up the labels you’ve lived with like that of wife, partner, the one who holds it all together, what’s left can feel confusing and unknown. That's when insecurity rears it's ugly head. In this episode, I talk about why insecurity really is...spoiler alert - it's not a feeling, but instead a belief system wired by impossible, contradictory standards. Instead of chasing confidence by changing jobs, bodies, or relationship status, I make a case for something deeper: emotional security, the steady sense that you won’t abandon yourself when life gets messy.

I explore how cultural scripts teach women to shrink, self-monitor, and doubt their instincts, and why divorce often exposes those scripts rather than creating them. You'll get a reminder of Gloria’s powerful monologue from The Barbie Movie while I trace how how approval-seeking keeps you stuck and how self-trust begins with curiosity. 

If you’re craving a map for life after divorce that doesn’t hinge on being chosen, this conversation will ground you. You’re not becoming someone else; you’re becoming you again defined by your values, protected by your boundaries, and guided by your own voice. If the episode resonates, follow the show, leave a rating, and share it with a friend who needs a guiding voice as they go through their divorce.

To download your FREE GUIDE: "7-Day Self Trust Reset" click here.

To schedule your complimentary consult with Karin click here.

If this podcast resonated with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating wherever you listen to podcasts.

Karin Nelson:

This is Becoming You Again, episode number 254, and I am your host, Karin Nelson. Welcome to Becoming You Again, the podcast where you learn to step into your power as a woman in this world, where you learn to reconnect to your wholeness, your integrity, and bring into alignment your brain, your body, and your intuition after divorce. This is the podcast where you learn to trust yourself again and move forward toward a life that you truly want. You are listening to Becoming You Again, and I am your host, Karin Nelson. Welcome back to the podcast, my lovely, lovely ladies. As always, you know what I'm gonna say. I am so happy that you're here. I am so happy that you are continuing to come back, choose to do the work on yourself to be able to heal from your divorce, recover from all of the bullshit that you've been put through or you are feeling right now, and move forward in your life. Because ultimately you're the only one that gets to choose or can choose to do that for yourself. And I'm so proud of you for doing it. So keep showing up, keep coming back. You got this. You are way more capable than you give yourself credit for. Today I'm gonna talk about insecurity. Because I think that this is something that every woman that I work with struggles with as they go through the divorce, as they are like trying to figure out what the next chapter of their life looks like. But not just every woman who's going through a divorce, right? This is something that every woman that I know of has struggled with or does struggle with or will struggle with. And not just the obvious kind of insecurity, like, oh, I don't like my body. And I don't mean to say that in like a making fun of a way because I've 100% said that to myself a million times throughout my life. I don't like my body, or like I feel nervous dating again after divorce. Like, but I'm talking about like the deeper, maybe even more sneaky kinds of insecurity that show up when we question ourselves, when we second guess our decisions, when we wonder if we are just somehow doing life wrong. Right? And divorce seems to have a very bright light that shines on some of these really deep insecurities as we go through a divorce. Because suddenly you're going through a divorce and you're asking yourself, um, am I gonna be enough on my own? Like, can I do this? Did I fail? Does getting divorced mean that I'm a failure at life? Am I too much? Maybe I'm too much. Or maybe I'm just not enough. Maybe what he was telling me that whole time, or all of the like signs that were pointing to, I'm just not enough, maybe they're true. Or like, I don't even know who I am without this relationship, without this marriage, without this partner in my life. What does that even look like? And so I just want to slow down this whole conversation today and really take a look at what insecurity actually is, and then give you a remedy to help with when those insecurities show up. Because I think most of the time we don't have a very good understanding of what insecurity actually is. So when we say something like, This is my cat, he's just scratching over in the corner. Because of course, I start recording the podcast. And of course, he's like, Oh, time for me to shine over there in the corner. He's got a he's got a fun little voice. Like, I don't know why I'm talking like that today. I'm just really feeling like I need to talk in voices, apparently. But okay. So um now my other cat has come in to try and like pick a fight. It's gonna be a fun one today. Stick around. This is gonna be a fun ride to see what actually happens and if we get like a cat fight in the background. So hold on to yourselves, ladies, because it could just be a real fun one. Okay, so let's go back to where I was. Uh, when we tell ourselves things like, oh, I just feel insecure, what we usually mean is like, I don't feel good about myself in some way. But here's the thing: insecurity, it is not a feeling. It's like a belief system. And this is an idea, like that whole idea that it comes from a belief system, um, was presented to me by my mentor, Carl Oenthiel. And when she said it, I was like, oh my gosh, she's so right. It really is like a belief system. It's not a feeling, it's the belief that I don't measure up in some way. And here's like the important question that most of us don't stop to ask when we feel insecure in some way. The question that we don't stop to ask is what am I trying to measure up to? Like, measure up to what? Whose standard am I using to decide that I'm not enough? Where did that standard even come from? And most of the time, the answer is it didn't come from you. It didn't come from your own brain. It wasn't planted there when you were born, right? Didn't come from out of the womb in your head. Most of our lives, especially as women, I know men struggle with insecurities as well, but because you all are women, I'm gonna speak to you. But for most of our lives, we as women have been handed like this impossible, contradictory list of expectations about who we are supposed to be. Right? Like, let's go back a few years to the Barbie movie when it was released. I hope, okay, let me get real here. I really hope you all saw this movie. If you have not seen the Barbie movie, you need to immediately after finishing this episode go watch it. Watch it with your daughters, watch it with your sons, watch it with yourself, watch it with your best friends. It's amazing, it's inspiring, truths are told, and you will see yourself as a woman in a whole new light after seeing that movie. Um, but I want to go back to all of you who have seen it, Gloria's speech at the end of that movie, just to give you a bit of an idea of, or maybe a reminder, of what we have been dealing with or what we deal with as women in this world and the standards and the expectations that are like forced upon us. So this is what Gloria says, and I'm quoting it's literally impossible to be a woman. You are so beautiful and so smart, and it kills me that you don't think you're good enough. Like we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow we're always doing it wrong. You have to be thin, but not too thin, and you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin. You have to make money, but you can't ask for money because that's crass. You have to be a boss, but you can't be mean. You have to lead, but you can't squash other people's ideas. You're supposed to love being a mother, but don't talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman, but also be looking out for other people. You have to answer for men's bad behavior, which is insane. But if you point that out, you're accused of complaining. You're supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much, or that you threaten other women because you're supposed to be part of the sisterhood, but always stand out and always be grateful, but never forget that the system is rigged. So find a way to acknowledge that, but also always be grateful. You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It's too hard, it's too contradictory, and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you. And it turns out, in fact, that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault. And I'm just so tired of watching myself and every single other woman tie herself into knots so that people will like us. End quote. Like, right? It's probably time for a reminder. It's been a few years since we've heard that. Everything she says is true. We are given this impossible list of how to be, and it's so contradictory that we are questioning ourselves at every turn because we are told be confident but not intimidating. Be independent, but not too independent. Be successful, but don't outshine anyone. Take care of yourself, but don't be selfish. Have opinions, but don't be too much. Don't be too loud. Don't take up too much space. Like no fucking wonder we feel insecure. Are you fucking kidding me right now? We are literally programmed to feel insecure. From a very young age, we are absorbing messages from family, from culture, from religion, from the media, from relationships that are telling us we are supposed to be perfect, pleasant, agreeable, desirable, selfless, successful, calm, thin, happy, grateful at all times. In every situation. And then we throw divorce into the mix, and we wonder why we feel like we're failing at everything, like we're ruining everyone's lives, right? Of course we feel that way. The game has been rigged from the very beginning. One of the most powerful things, in my opinion, that divorce does, and this feels really uncomfortable when it's happening, but I'm telling you, it is the most powerful thing that happens in divorce, and it rips away the identity that we have been using to hide inside of. Because for a very long time, you may have been defining yourself as I'm a wife, I'm a partner, I'm a mother, I'm half of a couple, oh, my other half, blah, blah, blah, right? I'm the woman who keeps everything together. I'm the woman who keeps things running. And then that role ends. And the insecurity that we feel and hear inside our head gets really loud. Really loud. It starts asking things like, uh, I don't, like, who am I now? I don't know. Do I even know how to exist without someone choosing me? Am I even still valuable if I'm not married? What kind of a mom am I when I have to solo parent now? What does that even look like? Right? Because so many of us, like myself included, build our entire sense of worth around a relationship. And again, going back to this idea that it's like conditioned in us, of course we do. We were like the ken in our own lives. We were only feeling important if someone else was looking at us and telling us that we mattered. Right? And then divorce happens, and we're left standing there thinking, oh my god, I don't even know who I am. I don't even know what my life could possibly look like outside of a relationship, outside of that label of wife, of married woman. And this, my friend, is like the perfect recipe for insecurity to really show up, really make us question ourselves, really look inside and ask these deep seated questions. But this is where most of us like kind of lose sight of what insecurity actually is. Because we assume that if we just fix the thing that we're insecure about, all of the insecurities are gonna go away. Right? So, like, for example, if I lose the weight, I'm my body is just gonna feel immediately 100% better, or I'm gonna feel better about myself and the way I look. If I find a new partner after the divorce, I'm not gonna feel like I'm missing my other half or I'm missing a piece of me. If I get the better job, I'm gonna feel confident in who I am. I'm gonna believe that I'm capable. If I prove I'm doing great after divorce, then I won't have to feel worried or I won't have to question myself or worry if it was the right decision for me. But the thing about insecurity is it doesn't actually work that way. Because insecurity isn't created by the circumstances around us, by changing the job, by, you know, even getting the divorce, right? By getting the new partner, by losing the weight, or fill in the blank. Insecurity is actually created by what we are thinking. It's created by our thoughts. So you can change your body, you can change your relationship status, you can change your career, you can change your home, and you can still feel insecure because your brain is very good at what your brain does. My brain's the same, and it will just find a new hook to hang that old feeling of insecurity on. It's why we have to do mindset work when we are going through a divorce, when we are questioning and getting curious about ourselves and what we're thinking and what we believe. It's why we have to do mindset work because changing the outside circumstance doesn't necessarily change how we think about ourselves. This is what I work with my clients on, by the way. Like all of my clients are going through a divorce, right? They're all changing the circumstance. I changed the circumstance of my relationship. We're all doing that. You are listening to this. You're probably either thinking about it, you're going through it, you did it. Right? We're all in that place where we're changing the circumstance, but our thoughts are still the same. So I work with my clients on taking a look at the thoughts, the old beliefs, the things that are holding them back, that are keeping them stuck, that are creating feelings inside of them that feel shitty, like guilt, like sadness, like grief, like anger, like all of those things. And not to say it's bad or wrong to feel that way. But we have way more power over the way we feel and the way we show up in this world than we give ourselves credit for. And so much of it is a because of what we're thinking. So we take a look at what we're thinking and what we're feeling and we show up for ourselves, right? So that was just like a little commercial for me. If you're interested in what it looks like to work more with me, click the link in the description, set up your free consult. Let's talk. But back to this insecurity, right? This is why women can look amazing and have great jobs and be in new relationships and still feel like they're not enough. They can go through a divorce and still feel like I'm not lovable, I'm not worthy, I'm a terrible mom. Right? Like the insecurity has been there long before the circumstance ever changed. So, what's the remedy? What's the remedy to insecurity? Like most people think the opposite of insecurity is just to get confident, to feel confident. But here's what I want to offer, and it's a little bit different than probably something that you've heard. The opposite of insecurity, and this might seem obvious, but I don't think to most of us it is because we do think it's confidence. The opposite of insecurity is security, emotional security, feeling safe to be with you. When you break down the word insecure, it literally means not secure. So healing insecurity isn't about becoming flawless or fearless or confident. It's about learning how to become emotionally safe with you. It's about creating a strong, beautiful relationship with yourself. One that says, Hey, I got you. I got you. I don't need you to be perfect to be worthy. I can still mess up and I can still love myself. I don't need to prove my value to earn my place in this world. I don't need to get that job to know that I'm valuable and worthy. I don't need to be married or in a partnership to see that I am complete and whole exactly as I am. That is real security. And after divorce, you get the chance to build something that you may never have had before. And that is like a sense of self outside of anyone else's approval except your own, because your approval of yourself is truly the only approval that matters. It's the only opinion that matters. And this is where the real work of becoming secure, of letting go of that outside insecurity, those thoughts of insecurity, this is where it happens. You start asking yourself different questions. Like, who am I without a partner? What do I actually want out of life? What are my values? What are my priorities? What do I value? What matters to me? Not to society, not to my ex, not to my family, not to my kids. What matters to me? Security grows when you define yourself from inside instead of from what the outside is telling you. And it grows when you practice compassion with yourself instead of criticism. Because the truth is you cannot shame yourself into feeling secure. You can't. Shame does not create security. You cannot bully yourself into feeling confident. You build security the same way you build it with a child through patience, through kindness, through consistency. Right? So as women, our insecurity that we are like just conditioned to have on command, it's not just personal, it is cultural because we live in a world that has trained women to doubt themselves, to be small, to question our intuition, to worry constantly about what other people are gonna think of us. And even after divorce, many, many women hesitate to live fully, to live authentically, to live into themselves because they're terrified of that judgment of other people. What are people gonna think if I start over? What are people gonna say if I start dating? What are people thinking about my kids? And they come from a divorced home. What do people think about my decision? What are they thinking about me? Am I being too selfish for choosing me? We live in this fear of other people's opinions. And it that fear of what other people are thinking about us and judging us for keeps that insecurity alive. And so learning to let go of that fear is, I'm telling you, it is one of the bravest things that you will ever do. So if you're listening to this and you're like, great, Karen, you gave us the remedy. It's be secure, feel emotionally secure. How the fuck do I do that? Where do I actually start to do that? Okay, I got you. Don't worry. Pick one area where you feel insecure and get really honest with yourself about the standard that you have been using to judge yourself? Like, where is it coming from? So, like, ask yourself that. Literally, ask yourself, where did that standard, that like baseline that you're using to define it, where did that come from? Do you agree with it? Would you choose it for yourself if no one was watching? And more importantly, what would it look like to create emotional safety for yourself in this situation? What would it sound like to talk to yourself with compassion instead of criticism? Those are the questions that I want you to ask yourself when that insecurity shows up. Get curious. Because it's the only way to create awareness, and awareness is where you have to start when you want to make change, right? Security is not gonna happen overnight. You're not just automatically gonna be like, it's fine. I love myself now. I feel safe to be with me, and I'm kind to myself. Like that doesn't happen overnight. It takes time. It happens. Practicing thought by thought, moment by moment. Awareness to awareness, right? So like the bottom line is here's what I want you to understand. Your divorce did not make you insecure. All it did was like shine a light on the insecurities that were already there. And that's great. Like that's really great news. I promise you it's great news. Because now you have the opportunity to heal from these insecurities, to create security for yourself, to become a woman who knows who she is, who trusts herself, who values herself, who feels secure, not because her life is perfect or because everything is going amazingly, but because she has her own back. That is truly what becoming you again is really about. It's not becoming someone new, right? You're becoming you again. You are becoming secure enough to finally be yourself, to finally show up as the authentic you. All right, my friends. I love you. Thank you for being here with me today. Keep showing up for yourself. You are worth it. I will be back next week. Hi, friend. I'm so glad you're here and thanks for listening. I wanted to let you know that if you're wanting more, a way to make deeper, more lasting change, then working one-on-one with me as your coach may be exactly what you need. Together, we'll take everything you're learning in the podcast and implement it in your life with weekly coaching, real life practice, and practical guidance. To learn more about how to work with me one-on-one, go to Karin Nelson Coaching.com. That's www.karincoaching.com. Thanks for listening. If this podcast agreed with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating wherever you listen to podcasts. And for more details about how I can help you live an even better life than when you were married, make sure and check out the full show notes by clicking the link in the description.

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Karin Nelson

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