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Becoming You Again
Becoming You Again is the podcast for women who are going through divorce wanting help navigating grief, guilt, and the challenge of rediscovering who they are. Divorce Recovery Coach, Karin Nelson offers compassionate guidance, practical tools, and powerful mindset shifts to help you rebuild self-trust, reconnect with your intuition, and create emotional resilience. Each episode is a safe, supportive space that reminds you: divorce isn’t the end of your story; it’s the doorway to becoming the most authentic, confident version of yourself and creating the best of the rest of your life.
Becoming You Again
Living Together While Divorcing
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Sharing a home with your soon-to-be ex can feel strange, lonely, and oddly practical all at once. We go straight at the discomfort and unpack why so many women make this choice for a season and how to support yourself emotionally and mentally through the transition period.
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You are listening to Becoming You Again, episode number 253, and I am your host, Karin Nelson. Welcome to Becoming You Again. The podcast where you learn to step into your power as a woman in this world, where you learn to reconnect to your wholeness, your integrity, and bring into alignment your brain, your body, and your intuition after divorce. This is the podcast where you learn to trust yourself again and move forward toward a life that you truly want. You are listening to Becoming You Again, and I am your host, Karin Nelson. Welcome back to the podcast. As always, my lovely, lovely ladies, I am so, so happy that you're here. So let's jump into today's podcast where I am talking about having to live in the same house as your soon-to-be ex as you go through the divorce or as you're going through a separation. Okay, so one of the most common questions that I get from women is like a version of is it normal? Is it okay that we're divorcing or that we're separated, but we are still living together? Because that can feel weird or off or not normal, like unusual, right? And so let me just say this very clearly, because I know that often we can shame ourselves for having our divorce look different than other people or than what we're seeing out in the world and in society or than what we have seen, right? So let me just answer this. Yes, it's common. It can be normal if it's normal for you. And it does not mean that you are doing anything wrong in your divorce. There are a lot of reasons why you might find yourself in this in-between space where you are still living in the same house, but you're either going through the divorce or it's coming. Like both of you know you're on the same page of like this is happening. You just maybe haven't filed yet, or you're in, you've maybe filed a legal separation or not legal separation. You just know that it's coming, but you're still living in the same house, but you are no longer like emotionally together. You know that the marriage is over, but you just happen to be living in the same space. Whether you're both on the same page with that or not, right? Sometimes that could also be the case, but you both know that this is the direction that you're going. And I do think that when we like slow down and take a look at why this may be the decision that has been made, or maybe what is happening for you, and we look at the full picture, it's going to make more sense for you. And so that's kind of what I want to talk about in today's podcast episode. Because it really doesn't matter like why you've made this decision or why this is happening for you, why you're still in the same space as you're soon to be ex. What matters is how you are supporting yourself through this experience, through this situation, and whether or not you are showing up for yourself to support yourself emotionally, mentally, and physically. Okay. So I want to talk about the four most common reasons of why this is happening. And then at the end, I'm going to talk about specific ways that you can support yourself through the transition phase of being together under one roof to being able to live separately. Okay. So the first reason that you might find yourself staying under the same roof while you're going through a divorce might be for financial reasons. Like you literally can't afford to leave yet, or one of you can't afford to leave yet, right? Like money is a big deal. Right? Money is a big deal. And divorces are expensive, housing is expensive, starting over in a new place, rent is expensive. Like these are these are things that matter and are important. And especially in today's economy. That being said, this and literally all of the other topics or reasons uh that I'm going to talk about only work if you are physically safe. Okay. So like if there is abuse going on, and I guess it's really abuse of any kind, it doesn't necessarily have to be physical abuse. Um, do what you can to get out of that situation. So if the finances are a reason why you have decided to stay in the same living area as your soon-to-be-ex or your ex even, uh, it's totally okay. Like from my perspective, when my husband and I at the time decided to get divorced when I told him I wanted a divorce, we stayed living in the same house for about, I think it was about a year until the divorce was actually final. He moved into the basement. Um, and we just we lived in the same house with the kids. And then even after our divorce was finalized, he stayed for probably another, I think, six months or so before he moved into an apartment. And then we started doing uh, you know, the co-parenting where the kids would go to his house and then come back to my house. So like it just it worked for us. Maybe it was a little long. I don't really know. Um, I don't have my kids here to ask how their experience was, but overall, theme things seem to go pretty smoothly for us. That may not be your situation, and it's totally fine if it's not. But I just want to like normalize that if this is a situation that you find yourself in because of your finances, because it's ex it's expensive to split houses, to um split all the things, like it's fine. It's fine. You we do what we need to do, right? There is no shame in that. Now, another reason why you might find yourself living in the same space as your soon to be ex is maybe you are trying to make things a little bit easier on the kids, right? Like, I know because I talk to a lot of women who are going through a divorce, I know that like having concern about how the divorce is going to affect their children is a huge weight in a woman's mind. And I'm not saying it's not for men too, but I don't coach men, I coach women, and so those are the experiences that I hear. And so I know that it's a big deal. And so trying in whatever way that you possibly can, if it's possible for you, and this is a choice that you have made, because you want to try and make things easier on your kids, like we're gonna normalize it. And I want you to know that it's okay, right? For many families, especially in the stages of separation, continuing to live together can feel like it's reducing the shock value to your kids and your family and the family unit and what it's gonna look like and the transition. It reduces that shock value. It can help you maintain routines a little bit easier. Um, maybe it will help ease your kids into the reality of two homes at some point. Maybe it's just um like a different transition than the abrupt disruption can be. Now, I'm not trying to say that like one way is better than the other. I don't know that it is. I can't, I don't have the answer for that. And I can't know specifically for you what is gonna be best for you and your kids and your family and the transition that's gonna work best for you. That has to be a decision that you make. And there is healing in any situation that's gonna happen. But I just want to normalize like if you find yourself in this situation and you're like, but this isn't how it's supposed to be done, like who cares? Who cares how other people have done it? All that matters is how you're doing it and how you're approaching it, okay? And how you're supporting yourself through the decisions that have been made for you. Now, again, I shared like exactly how my ex and I did it. And I do think that like it was a combination of the finances, but also it was a it was also this one as well. Like we didn't have the back and forth for a little while. I think it did help ease our kids into this. One of the biggest reasons for me that I wanted to divorce was I lost myself so fully in the marriage and that I needed space to be able to find myself. And I needed space to be able to uh figure out who I was. And this situation where we lived in the same house for such a long time really provided that opportunity for me. It doesn't mean that you can't find it in another situation where you do separate households right away. You totally can because you will have like child custody agreements and you will have your own time. Um, but when we were living in the same space, it just made it like the flow was easier, I should say. Like basically it was like Tuesday nights and Saturday nights were my nights to go do whatever I wanted. So I would leave the house, and those were the nights when he was home with the kids. And then I think his nights were Mondays and Fridays to leave, and I was home with the kids, and then the rest of the weeks, weeknights or weekdays, um, we were all just kind of there together. It worked for us. We figured it out. Uh again, do what is emotionally safe for you. Do what is supportive for your own healing, and that helps facilitate like helping your kids through this transition as well. And if it looks something like the way I did it, or it looks something like what you've come up with and that feels right to you, that's really all that matters. Because the question isn't like, well, is this arrangement good or bad? The question is, does this arrangement work to help keep me regulated, to help create an environment where my kids can stay regulated? And, you know, where it supports like the transition of what is coming as the divorce process uh continues on. All right. So the next reason that you might find yourself having to stay in the same living space as your ex is like emotionally and logistically, you're just not ready. And that could totally be a thing, right? Like, I think this is one that we don't talk about enough. Sometimes the reason you're still living together isn't monies, it's not kids, and it's not the divorce paperwork that hasn't gone through. Like sometimes you just emotionally are not ready to sever ties, to pull the plug. And it makes sense. There is no judgment in this, there is no shame in this. Divorce is not a decision that is typically taken lightly, right? It is an identity shift because you're going from someone who has been married, who has been in this relationship for most of the time, most of the women that I coach for years, to something else. And you do have to change your mindset around that. There is grief that comes along with that. Whether or not you're grieving for the relationship, you are grieving for other things. And part of that is gonna be I don't get to see my kids every day like I used to. Part of that is I'm going from living with a bunch of people to living by myself half the time. Part of that is grieving the loss of the future that you thought you were gonna have. Maybe there's fear around hurting your kids or how this decision is going to impact them. Maybe it's like having fear of what your family is gonna think or what your neighbors are gonna think. Like you're gonna have to have those conversations, and maybe you're just not ready to have those conversations. That's okay. It can feel scary to have to have open conversations and tell people I'm going through a divorce, especially in the culture and you know, the way we have been conditioned, that marriage is everything and amazing, and divorce is like the most shameful thing that you could possibly choose to do. How could you? That can be scary to have those conversations because we believe that other people are going to have a lot of judgment over us and our choices and the way we've been living our lives and whatever, right? Whether or not there's a reason for that judgment, people, we feel like people are going to judge us. And the reality is a lot of them probably will. So this decision of like wanting to stay because you're just emotionally not ready, it totally makes sense, right? It's very common and you're allowed to take the time that you need to figure out that process. You're allowed to move slowly if that feels right to you. You're allowed to like decide, I'm not ready to tell other people, I'm not ready to like take that step. All of those things are totally up to you, and only you can know what is best and right for you. And if helping you stay in the same house for some time is helping you to figure out like your own emotional stability, your own tools and remedies that you are going to use to help you through this transition, then do it. Okay. And the last reason is just maybe the legal proceedings are taking a long time, right? Like the divorce just isn't finalized yet. This is a reality. Some divorces take a really long time. They just do. Mediation can drag on, maybe paperwork gets delayed, like one person's not feeling out or turning in their paperwork, or assets are taking a long time to divide, court schedules are moving slowly. Like there's a lot of like logistical things that are out of your control that could come into the legal process of actually separating everything in the divorce. And so that could be a reason why you both are staying in the marital home because nothing is legally settled yet. And it's possible that if you decide to leave prematurely before that happens, that could complicate asset division, that could impact custody agreements, that could create financial and legal disadvantages for some people. Like there's a lot of things that can go into it. So again, it makes sense if you both decide to stay in the home until things are legally down on paper who gets what. And so, like, number one, if this is your reason, I want you to focus on a couple of things: clarity, like know where you are in the process and what the steps are that need to get you to the place where things are divided, and creating the emotional and physical boundaries for yourself as you're going through this process that are going to help support you through this transition and through knowing like when that date of being able to, one of you moving out or one of you separating out of the marital home or the marital home is, you know, in the process of being sold, and then you're both gonna leave, like supporting yourself through that time. So let's talk about what that looks like, right? I've talked about the the four main reasons of why this might be happening to you, but let's talk about like how to support yourself through this transitional period, because we know it's not gonna last forever. Okay. That's okay, that's number one. I just want you to remind yourself this is not gonna last forever. You may not have the exact date, you may not know exactly when, but it is not going to last forever. And if you can remind yourself of that when things get challenging, when things get hard, when you're just like kind of emotionally exhausted with being in the same spike space as this person, even if it's amicable, that can still happen. Just remind yourself like a date is coming. This isn't gonna continue on forever, like there will be an end date. Just keep reminding yourself of that, okay? Um, but here's a couple other specific things that you can do to support yourself through this. Number one, set boundaries for yourself. Like, this is gonna depend on how amicable the situation is, because depending on that, your boundaries will look different, right? I want to remind you what a boundary is, first of all. They are like a self-protective um mechanism. I don't know if that's the right word, but they they are they are for your self-protection. Boundaries are not ultimatums, they are not a way to manipulate someone else into doing what you want them to do. They are kind of like an if-then statement supporting you. Okay. So, like, if you do this, then I will do this to take care of myself. I will do this to protect myself. I will do this to dot dot dot. Okay. So whatever the boundary might need to look like, like let's say you have you've decided we're not gonna talk about the divorce unless we are in the mediators, like in we're with the mediator. And so let's say your ex comes and they start talking about like they're upset over the divorce, or they uh want to talk about how we're gonna divide assets and you're not at the mediators. You can say, listen, if one of us starts talking about the divorce and we're not in the mediator's office or we're not in a mediation session, I will leave the house and go for a drive. I will go up to my bedroom and, you know, have some alone time. I will ask you to please stop and then change the subject. I will ask you to please stop and take the kids to my mom's and we're gonna spend the night there. Like what, whatever, right? You get to come up with whatever the boundary is, the whatever the way is that you're going to take care of yourself in that situation. But boundaries and then being willing to follow through with whatever boundary you set for yourself, those are important. So keep that in mind. The second thing that is gonna be really useful is decide on like house rules or family rules or family time. And like this just takes me back to the idea of when I left the house, it was Tuesdays and Saturdays. And then my ex would be like, we were still married at the time, but like he would be home with the kids those nights. And then same thing with like Mondays and Fridays. He would leave, I would be home with the kids. Like those can be house rules, right? Okay, this is my bedroom, that's your bedroom. This is my space, that's your space. Maybe we don't, nobody enters the other person's room without knocking or without asking permission. Um, like those kinds of rules of respect and understanding can go a long way as you both find yourselves in a situation where maybe you don't, both of you don't really want to be in anymore, but this is the way it is, right? And so it can having those kinds of things in place can help make the transition a little bit easier. And then lastly, just like have supportive tools and remedies at your fingertips, things that you know help you when you get activated, when your nervous system is heightened, when you are feeling emotionally fragile or you're feeling like you're on an emotional roller coaster. What are those things that really help you? Like have I've I've talked about this in uh previous podcasts, but have an emotional safety plan ready for yourself. Um there's gonna be hard days. There's gonna be days that are more challenging to be in the same space, when especially when you're going through the divorce and you're like, I just really wish that this was done. Like have those tools and remedies ready at your fingertips. What are the self-care tools that help you that work for you? What are the grounding exercises that help you get present and support yourself? What are you willing to do to allow the emotions to be present inside of you, to allow the emotions to flow through you? How are you going to support yourself by moving your body? Like what are the exercises that help you work through the stress cycle, right? Know when you need to create space for yourself to keep yourself emotionally and mentally supported. So those are the things that I want you to focus on. If you find yourself in this situation, and let's normalize that it's totally fine. Your divorce can look however it looks. It doesn't have to look a specific way, and it doesn't have to fall into what you've seen like in society and how other divorces have gone. It can be your divorce, and it doesn't mean you're doing it right or wrong. You're just doing it the way it is for you, and that's totally okay. All right, my friends, that is what I have for you today. Thank you for being here. I will be back next week. Hi, friend. I'm so glad you're here and thanks for listening. I wanted to let you know that if you're wanting more, a way to make deeper, more lasting change, then working one-on-one with me as your coach may be exactly what you need. Together, we'll take everything you're learning in the podcast and implement it in your life with weekly coaching, real life practice, and practical guidance. To learn more about how to work with me one-on-one, go to Karin Nelson Coaching.com. That's www.karinnelsoncoaching.com. Thanks for listening. If this podcast agreed with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating wherever you listen to podcasts. And for more details about how I can help you live an even better life than when you were married, make sure and check out the full show notes by clicking the link in the description.
