Becoming You Again

Four Lies You Need To Stop Believing About Divorce

• Karin Nelson • Episode 251

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The stories we believe about divorce can keep us stuck for years. In this episode I’ll cover four of the most insidious lies that we believe about divorce. These are four lies that permeate society and typically show up due to the social systems and structures that we live in. 


I unpack the four common lies about divorce and replace them with grounded truths about kids’ well-being, self worth, failure, and “selfishness.” Then I offer practical tools to build stability, repair trust with yourself, and design relationships that match your values.

If you’re ready for divorce, but you have no idea what comes next...I offer a free next step session where you come and talk about what you're going through. You can schedule your free call by clicking the link in the description below.

To download your FREE GUIDE: "7-Day Self Trust Reset" click here.

To schedule your complimentary consult with Karin click here.

If this podcast resonated with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating wherever you listen to podcasts.

Karin Nelson:

This is Becoming You Again, episode number 251, and I am your host, Karin Nelson. Welcome to Becoming You Again, the podcast where you learn to step into your power as a woman in this world, where you learn to reconnect to your wholeness, your integrity, and bring into alignment your brain, your body, and your intuition after divorce. This is the podcast where you learn to trust yourself again and move forward toward a life that you truly want. You are listening to Becoming You Again, and I am your host, Karin Nelson. Welcome back to the podcast, my lovely, lovely ladies. As always, I am so happy that you're here. Today's episode, I'm going to be talking about the top lies that you need to stop believing about divorce. Because what the whole goal of this podcast is, is to help you become your best self after divorce, to help you change your mindset and let go of these things that are holding you back, that are keeping you stuck, that are keeping you from healing, that are keeping you from being the best, most present parent that you want to be, the best, most present you that you want to be, and moving in the direction that you want to, like living the life that is your dream life. That's the whole purpose of this podcast is to help you do that, to give you the tools and the remedies to be able to create that in your own life. And part of that has to come from knowing and being aware of thoughts or beliefs that aren't serving you in some way, that are keeping you stuck, creating old patterns and living old patterns and are keeping you from reaching the potential that you have within you. So we're going to talk about some of those lies that are specific to divorce, that every single one of my clients and so many other women who I talk to or interact with believe that are detrimental to all of us as women. So let's jump right in. The first lie that you need to stop believing about divorce is that divorce is going to ruin your kids' lives. This is such a harmful, insidious lie. It is so insidious that it keeps so many women stuck in marriages that they no longer want to be a part of for a myriad of reasons. Like it could be because of abuse. It could be because of infidelity, trust issues, um, disrespect, like whatever, right? But this lie is keeping women in marriages where they have given up so much of themselves and they feel so invisible and they want so desperately to leave, to be able to feel alive, to be able to feel authentic to themselves. And yet, this lie permeates through their entire being because they believe that if they make the choice to divorce, their kids' lives will be ruined forever. That is heavy. That feels terrible, and it makes tons of sense that women would not divorce because they are believing this. So let's break it down. Will divorce bring challenges to your children's life? Yes. 100%, yes, it will. Many things are gonna change for your kids after you get a divorce. But does challenge and does change mean that your kids' lives will be ruined? No, absolutely not. When you make a decision to get out of a marriage that you don't want to be in anymore for whatever reason, and then you do the work to create a safe environment for yourself and your kids where you can be authentically you, they can be authentically them, where it's okay to have feelings and to feel feelings, where it's okay to take up space, where it's okay to grow, to evolve. That is more valuable and loving for you and your kids than staying and pretending in a marriage that is toxic, that is terrible, that is not helping or good for anyone. A 2010 study by the University of Texas showed that children of high conflict intact families, meaning the parents decided to stay together for the kids, have psychological and social outcomes that are worse than children whose parents get divorced. So I really want to reinforce to you, you are allowed to believe that your kids are going to be just fine. And you are allowed to trust yourself that you are gonna know how to support them in whatever ways they need as they go through their healing process and as they deal with the challenges that come to them because of the divorce. You're allowed to provide that for them, to support them in whatever ways they need. And the thing that you're doing now by listening to this podcast and getting the tools and the remedies that are helping you through your healing process, you're going to be able to pass those on to your kids in lots of different ways. Your example being a huge one. And when you consider yourself as a human, as an individual who has wants, needs, and desires that are important, do you want to know what that does to your kids? That shows your kids that they also are individuals who have wants, needs, and desires that are important, and that it's okay to give that to yourself. And also, I just want to say that just having your kids live in a two-parent, and I'm putting that in quotes, a two-parent household, but that household is full of animosity and non-communication and disrespect and belittling and abuse or whatever, doesn't mean that your kids just have stability because there's two parents in the home, as like studies or news reports or people would like you to think. It doesn't mean that they just automatically have consistency or emotional safety or even more love. Because that is not true. When you divorce and you have your own space, your own space where you get to develop and foster and become the parent that offers presence and love and consistency and stability and safety and so much more. That is what truly matters, not that there's two parents in the household. So take that in if you're struggling with this lie and work on deconditioning that lie from your belief system. Lie number two, I'm gonna be alone forever, or something like I'm too old to date, or I'm never gonna find a new partner, et cetera, et cetera, right? Staying in a bad marriage because you are afraid you're going to be alone forever, in my opinion, is not a good enough reason to stay married. I just don't think that anybody who's in a bad marriage or in a marriage that they don't want to be in should continue to stay married. That's my opinion, does not have to be your opinion. That's not what these lies are about, right? That's totally like an uh intuitive decision that you'll have to make for yourself. But that is my opinion. And especially, I do not think that staying in a bad marriage or a marriage you don't want to be a part of any longer because you're afraid you're gonna be alone forever. I just don't think that's a very good reason to stay married. But what it tells me, if this is a lie that or a belief that you're you've been holding on to, what that tells me is that it lends to something deeper that you need to look at for yourself. And that is what feels so scary about being alone. I can answer part of that question for you, but a lot of that's gonna have to be like self-introspective questioning and getting to know yourself and questioning why it feels so scary to be alone. But part of the the part of the question that I can answer that is women are socialized to believe that our worth depends on being chosen or being picked or having a partner. And so part of that fear around being alone is connected to a very deep-seated idea that you not being in a marriage or in a partnership means that there's something wrong with you. Like you're not good enough in some way, you are less worthy in some way, or you're less than in some way because you're not married, you haven't been picked, you've been rejected, like however you want to say it, right? But but here's what I want you to know. This divorce is now your opportunity to really decide for yourself whether being in a partnership or not is right for you. I can't answer that for you, only you can answer that. And here's the thing: like, if it is, if you do want to be in a partnership and that is like a priority that is important to you for whatever reason, I want you to go into this with your eyes wide open. I want you to look in for the red flags, use smart methods of weeding out the crappy partners that are out there. Okay. There's a great method. It's called Burn the Haystack Method that Jenny Young teaches. She's got an amazing Facebook group, she has a book that's coming out. Like, there are methods to figure out where the needle is in that haystack. Be smart. If finding another partner is important to you and it's a priority, be smart. And there are ways to do it smartly where you don't fall into the same patterns, you don't find people who are hiding who they are on the like on the surface. Be smart about it. Because it's totally possible for you to find someone if that is important to you. But be doing it for the right reasons. Don't be doing it because you feel like you aren't good enough or you're broken or you're not complete in some way. Because those are not good reasons to have a partner. And then on the flip side of that, like if it feels right to not have a partner with someone moving forward, that's okay too, right? I want you to remember that your worth is not dependent on having a partner. You don't need a partner to be complete. You really don't. You are complete as you are. If you decide that you don't want a partner, that also doesn't mean that your life has to be lonely, that you're just going to be lonely and alone the whole time. Like, no, that's not what that means, right? You can create a beautiful life full of interdependence with great friends, family of origin, or family of choice, or both. None of us as humans are meant to live a life without connection and without relationships. Like, that's just not what being a human even exemplifies. But that doesn't mean that the only choice after divorce is okay, now I have to find a partner. Right? You're allowed to build up your friendship circle and build the village and create interdependence with other people and other relationships. And it doesn't mean that you have to have a partner. All right, number three. Okay, so this one is actually partly true. You did fail at marriage if you are divorced. However, do not jump off yet because, however, and this is the most important part of this, the lie comes in believing that there's something wrong with failing. Like, so what? Who cares if you failed at marriage? Oh, your religion cares? Okay. So what? Like, they're not in charge of you, number one. And number two, society teaches us that failure is like the most terrible thing and that it should be avoided at all costs. But that's not actually true. How the fuck do you think that like Michael Jordan became Michael Jordan? You think he just started at age 12 and was already like an NBA multi-champion? No, he failed over and over and over and over and over again. That was a sports analogy. I don't know. I don't even watch sports. I literally don't even know why I chose that. Probably just because it's so prevalent in our society. But like, pick anything where someone is successful. You think they just became successful overnight? You're ready for divorce, but you have no idea what comes next. You've made the hardest decision. You know you're ready to end your marriage, but now the fear kicks in. What if you make the wrong choices? How do you handle the emotional weight you're carrying around? If you are asking questions like these and you're not sure what the next best steps are for you, don't worry, I've got you. You don't have to figure it out all alone. The right support helps you make decisions that protect your future and get you unstuck. I offer a free next step session where you come and talk about what you're going through, the emotions that you're feeling, the grief you're dealing with, and the decisions that you are having trouble making. We'll talk more about what your next steps can look like moving toward a future that you want. And we'll talk about what it could look like to continue to work together. Now, don't get me wrong, this call isn't about knowing what to put in your divorce decree or which lawyer to hire. But instead, it's about learning to make decisions from your knowing and living your life from that place. And no matter what you decide by the end of the call, you will feel heard, you will feel seen, you will feel understood, and you will have clarity on your next best step moving forward. You can schedule your free call by clicking the link in the description. How life actually works is you fail and fail and fail and fail and fail and fail and fail and fail, and then bingo, success. Now, I'm not saying you have to like get married 75 times and then finally you'll have like the marriage that worked. Like, that's not what I'm saying. But what I want you to understand is failure is what leads to growth. Failure is what leads to understanding, failure is what leads to evolution, change, acceptance, truth, and ultimately success. Now, success doesn't necessarily mean I have to have a marriage that lasts. And if that means that to you, I want you to ask why. Why? Why does that equal success to you? Just a question. But there is no way to succeed without failure. So let's think about this in terms of the scientific process. Like, let's go back to elementary school for a minute, okay? The scientific method, right? It's just like gathering information. Like if I can remember correctly how the scientific method worked, it's been a long time since I've done this, but it's something like, okay, we have a hypothesis, like we have an idea of how something's gonna be. And then we do the experiment, and then we gather all the data from the experiment, and then we figure out what the result is based off of that data, right? So your hypothesis was marriage, getting married. And we're gonna be together forever, right? That's how most people go into a marriage. Like they don't go into a marriage thinking I'm gonna get divorced at the end of this. They go into it thinking, I love this person and we're gonna be together forever. And then as you go through the experiment, which is the actual marriage, more and more information is unfolding to you. And that's the experiment part, right? You're gathering the data, you're gathering the information, you're figuring out more about this person and their their, you know, how they work and how your relationship together works and how they treat you and how you show up and all of the things that go into this, right? You're gathering all of this data. And then if this person isn't the person that you want to be with anymore, for whatever reason, like I'm just gonna keep saying that, for whatever reason, it doesn't matter. You always have choice and consent in if you want to stay in a relationship or not. And so for whatever reason, and then the result is divorce, that is okay. Okay, so the marriage failed. It didn't last. The hypothesis didn't turn out to be true, but that doesn't mean that you, as a human, as an individual, are defined as a failure. It means that the marriage, the scientific experiment of marriage, did not pan out. True failure would mean that you learned nothing from that marriage, that you have no understanding of yourself, of what you do and don't want in life, of the changes that you want to make or the changes that you are making, of healing, of opening yourself up to feeling things, of reconnecting to yourself. Like that's what true failure would be. But I have a sneaky suspicion that like nobody listening to this podcast is actually in that space. Because if you are listening to this podcast, that tells me that you are putting in the work of learning about yourself, of growing, of changing, of evolving, of becoming the version of you that you want to, that you're actively choosing, that you are intentionally choosing. That's not failure, my friend. That's just reconnection to yourself. All right, number four. The lie is you're selfish for walking away. Okay. I hate it when people tell women that they are selfish for getting a divorce. I absolutely hate it. It is so infuriating to me. But it is so conditioned in women to believe that we are being selfish by making this decision because we are conditioned from the time we are little, little children to make sure that everyone else is taken care of, they are comfortable, they are looked after, that we are not taking up too much space, we're not being too loud, we're not being the center of attention or whatever, right? There's lots of different things that go into that. And then if a woman wants a divorce, well, that's just going too far. I'm sorry. You're so selfish for doing that. Because what that tells other people. People who believe this and tell women that they're selfish for getting a divorce, and then we take it on as our belief, and then we believe it, right? What that says is that we are putting our needs before other people's, and that is a big time no-no in this society, in this system that we live in. And very often my clients and other women who have come to me for guidance, they say that their decision is typically judged as like a split-second decision. Like she's not taking into account how this will affect her children or her soon-to-be ex or her family. She's not taking into account how this will be perceived by everyone out there, and how dare she. And first of all, like none of that is true. Women definitely think about all of those things, but specifically, the one that I really want to focus on in this podcast is no woman. I have worked with a lot of women, I have talked with a lot of women who are going through a divorce, who are thinking about divorce. Not one of them, if she has children, has not considered how this decision will affect her kids. Not one. Every woman takes that into huge consideration. Like that is a big deal. Divorce is not a decision that is taken lightly or made on a whim. Divorce is typically a decision that comes after years for so many women, most of the women that I've worked for. This is like years of deciding. But like years of self-abandonment, of people pleasing, of emotional management, of everyone else around them, of being unseen, of taking care of all the unpaid labor, of shrinking themselves, of not considering themselves or not regarding themselves in any way, of deferring to their spouse. And you know what happens after years of that is many times we get to the point where we are done, where we feel like we are literally going to die if we don't start considering ourselves, if we don't start centering ourselves in some way. And we're done. We as women, we are allowed to take up space. We are allowed to have wants and needs and desires, and we are allowed to give those to ourselves. There are people in this world who do not want to see or do not see women as anything other than an object to have at their side or a vessel to carry and then raise children. But we know we are so much more than that. We are individuals, we are unique, we are valuable, we are worthy, and we have every right to be here and live a full and beautiful life as much as anyone else. And if divorce is the way for you to be able to do that, then so be it. It does not make you selfish. All right, my friends. I hope this was helpful. I hope that you can take some of these lies, these conditioned beliefs that you might be holding on to, that you might have, and do the work to decondition them. Do the work to stop believing them. Do the work to replace those neural pathways with new thoughts and new beliefs. You will be better without them. Your kids will be better without you believing them because you will show up differently in your life in the most beautiful, expansive ways. You're gonna learn to trust yourself, trust your intuition to make decisions about what is best and right for you, and so much more. Thank you so much for being here. I love you. You are amazing. I will be back next week. Hi, friend. I'm so glad you're here and thanks for listening. I wanted to let you know that if you're wanting more, a way to make deeper, more lasting change, then working one-on-one with me as your coach may be exactly what you need. Together, we'll take everything you're learning in the podcast and implement it in your life with weekly coaching, real life practice, and practical guidance. To learn more about how to work with me one-on-one, go to Karin Nelson Coaching.com. That's www.k-ar-ine -n-l-s-o-n coaching.com. Thanks for listening. If this podcast agreed with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating wherever you listen to podcasts. And for more details about how I can help you live an even better life than when you were married, make sure and check out the full show notes by clicking the link in the description.

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Karin Nelson

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