Becoming You Again

You Are Whole Without Him

• Karin Nelson • Episode 249

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Heartbreak and rejection hurts and when an ex chooses someone else, it’s easy to fall into the trap of “I wasn’t enough” or “she’s better than me.” In this episode I get honest about the stories we tell ourselves by helping you understand the brain’s need for certainty, recognizing emotional capacity as a driver of choices, and building thought ladders that replace shame with self-trust.

I share practical reframes that shift the focus from comparison to clarity. Instead of reading his decision like a report card on your value, we look at how people pick what matches their comfort level and why that has nothing to do with your worth. You’ll learn how to spot the “too much/not enough” loop, create new neural pathways with daily repetition, and anchor into a belief that changes everything: worth is non-negotiable and not dependent on being chosen. 

This conversation is for anyone rebuilding after divorce, coping with infidelity fallout, or relearning how to trust themselves. By the end, you’ll have language for powerful reframes, small steps to create new healing beliefs, and a felt sense that you don’t need a partner to be whole. 

To download your FREE GUIDE: "7-Day Self Trust Reset" click here.

To schedule your complimentary consult with Karin click here.

If this podcast resonated with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating wherever you listen to podcasts.

Karin Nelson:

You're listening to Becoming You Again, episode number 249, and I'm your host, Karin Nelson. Welcome to Becoming You Again, the podcast where you learn to step into your power as a woman in this world, where you learn to reconnect to your wholeness, your integrity, and bring into alignment your brain, your body, and your intuition after divorce. This is the podcast where you learn to trust yourself again and move forward toward a life that you truly want. You are listening to Becoming You Again, and I am your host, Karin Nelson. Welcome back to the podcast, my lovely, lovely ladies. I hope that you are having an amazing new year. We are in 2026, and here's to hoping that it's a better year than last year. How about that? All right. So this week I want to talk about something that I know many of you are struggling with, have gone through, or are going through right now. And that is how to heal when your ex leaves you for someone else. Now, take a deep breath if you are feeling this right now. This podcast may not be for everyone who listens, but it's definitely going to be for a lot of you. Because I know that just having me say that out loud might feel ick inside your body, right? Because maybe that is exactly what happened in your marriage, or maybe he left you suddenly, or maybe there were just all of these signs that he was having an affair, or uh maybe you knew about the affair. Maybe you were like me and you found out about the affair and then didn't say anything for a while and then called him out on it, and then all the things came out about the affair. Uh, maybe you found out after you were already divorced, or maybe you just suspect that there was someone or multiple someones because the whole timeline after the divorce just feels really sus, right? Like it could be a combination or any of those things that I just talked about. But it really doesn't matter the details because the experience overall can often feel like a personal attack on your worth. It definitely feels like rejection, right? And that doesn't feel good. Nobody wants to feel rejection. Rejection never feels good. But what happens when we feel rejected, or when we feel like it's a personal attack on our worth, we start thinking things like, why wasn't I enough? Or what does she have that I don't have? Or like, how the fuck could he replace me so quickly? Or was any of our marriage real? Was any of the love that I thought we had real? Or some version of like, cool, this is super awesome because now she's getting the version of him that I always wanted, that I always hoped for, that I always felt like I deserved or I wished for, but I never got for some reason, right? And if any of that sounds familiar, first of all, I just want you to take a breath in and let it out. You are not alone, and nothing is wrong with you. Nothing is wrong with you. Because today I'm going to help you decondition the stories that your brain is creating or has been creating for years, the stories that society has pushed onto you, and really recognize the really human part of being left by someone in a relationship. I want to help you recognize your self-worth, your power in the situation, and step into more confidence about who you are and loving who you are. So let's get started, okay? So, first we got to start with the beliefs that we've got going on because our brain does this thing and every human brain does it, but it tries to make other people's actions or words even mean something about us, especially when those actions are hurtful, when they're unexpected, when they're surprising in a bad way, when they're confusing. When your ex leaves you for someone else, or leaves and then immediately gets into a relationship with someone else, your amygdala, your primitive part of your brain, it goes into overdrive. It is trying to explain it, is trying to understand it, is trying to make sense of it. And it wants to know why, right? It wants that question answered and it wants it answered now because knowing feels safer than not knowing, because not knowing is uncertainty. And uncertainty, as I've talked about many times on the podcast, feels very unsafe. We do not like uncertainty as humans. So your brain is going to make up stories or reach for proof that you have already been conditioned to believe or that you've already been believing your whole life. So your brain makes up stories of either I wasn't enough or I was too much, right? I wasn't enough, I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't fun enough, or I was too much, like I was too insistent on keeping the house clean. I kept close eye on the money, and then he didn't feel like he could spend enough. So I was too much of a stickler about money, or I wasn't thin enough, or I wasn't sexy enough, or I didn't want to have sex enough, or I was told that I was too needy, or I was too outspoken, or I used my voice too much, or I was too difficult, right? So we've got these two contrasting ideas of what could have been going on with the stories we have in our head. Too much or not enough. But I want to, I want you to hear me when I say this. So listen, okay? If you hear nothing else from this podcast, please hear this. None of those stories are true. They are just so easy for our brain to reach for because we've got some version of this idea that we have been holding on to for probably the majority of our life, if not the majority of our marriage, right? And it's so easy for our brain to go back to those stories as proof that their leaving is our fault, that their leaving had something to do with us being not enough or too much. And just because your brain thinks that and tells you that story, it does not mean it's true. Okay. Your brain is going to look for what is familiar. These are called neural pathways. And these neural pathways of being too much or not enough are very well worn in your head. I know they were in mine. I still have a lot of them that I'm working through. And I know that these are very well worn in your head too. If those thoughts are the ones that you immediately go to. Number one, because living in a system of patriarchy, we are trained as women to blame ourselves. We are raised to blame ourselves for everything. And society has taught us that men's behavior is a reflection of our worth. If we are chosen, we're worthy. If we are rejected, we are not worthy, right? And so many of us, because of the system that we live in, we grew up being rewarded when we sacrifice ourselves, when we give to other people before we give to ourselves. And we get punished for having needs, for putting our needs first, for thinking about ourselves first. But nothing about his leaving gives us any evidence that you are inadequate in some way. Let me say that again. His leaving is not evidence that you are inadequate in some way. So we're gonna start to dismantle that story right now. Okay. We're gonna decondition it, we're gonna break it down. And the more you do this, the more you work on letting go of that story that you're too much or not enough, the more you are going to love yourself, the more it is not going to matter that he left for someone else. And you will start to feel better and more in tune with who you are authentically. Okay, so here's something I really want you to understand about why your ex chose someone else. People choose partners very often who match their emotional capacity. So if we can think about it in these terms, of your ex didn't leave because she's like some upgrade to you, he left and chose this other woman because she fits the version of himself he's most comfortable being right now. But I want you to start to try and embrace this idea that she's not an upgrade to you, like she's not better than you in some way. He chose something that is just more comfortable for him. Because that is what we do. We choose comfort over discomfort as humans. And it has nothing to do with your worth. That's what I really want you to think about and sink in and understand. His choosing her doesn't make her better than you, and it has nothing to do with your worth. So let's start to reframe, if we can, some of these thoughts that you might be having in terms of like I wasn't enough or I was too much. Okay. So remember when we are gonna reframe a new thought. We're gonna start with something that's like a s a step up on the thought ladder of from I'm not enough to it's possible that I was enough. He just simply didn't have the capacity to meet me where I was at. Right? We're not going from I wasn't enough to I'm enough and everything's perfect, and every man is gonna love me exactly as I am, right? Maybe we don't have the capacity at this point yet to believe that. So we're just gonna take one step up the ladder with this new reframe of I wasn't enough to it's possible that I was always enough. He just didn't have the capacity to see it. Okay. Try that. Or you can try a version that that resonates with you more. Or maybe you have thoughts like, she's better than me. You could try on something like, we are completely different women. My worth is not diminished by her worth. Or if you're having thoughts like, well, I'll never find anyone else, I'll be alone the rest of my life. You can try on thoughts like, it's possible that there's someone else out there who sees me and loves me exactly the way I am. It's possible that there's someone out there who I don't need to convince of my worth. Or it's possible that I will attract someone who's aligned with exactly what I'm looking for. Right? So these are thought ladder beliefs that you can start to try on to create new neural pathways to override the neural pathways that you have currently going on like, I'm not enough, I'm not good enough, I'll never find someone, uh she's better than me, et cetera. So try some of those on. And what we want to do with new thoughts, new beliefs is we want a lot of repetition. Okay. Repetition, putting put, write these thoughts down, put them on your phone, remind yourself of them daily, put them on your computer screen, on a post-it, read it in the morning, noon, and night. Like whenever your brain goes to those ideas of I'm not good enough or I'm too much, we come back with it. We answer our brain with these new thoughts, with these new beliefs that we are trying to accept into our lives. That is how we create new, new neural pathways. That is how we grow and heal and let go of this old story that he left you for someone else. Now it may be true. It may be true, but it doesn't mean that you have to carry around the pain and the belief that you are not worthy because of it, because of his choices and actions. All right. So here's what I want you to understand about your self-worth. Your self-worth and every other person's self-worth on this planet, it is not up for negotiation. Either everyone has worth and it's always 100%, or no one has worth. Okay. You can decide, whichever one you want to decide. For me, I like to have the belief that everyone has worth. Everyone is born worthy to be loved, to be a human, to exist. That's my belief. You don't have to accept that same belief. Now, that doesn't mean that they can't make bad choices and do bad things. That has nothing to do with worth. All right. So your value and your worth, they are not determined on whether you are chosen or whether someone leaves or whether someone rejects you. So I really want you to understand that even though your ex left you for someone else or chose someone else, his choice does not say or mean anything about you. You are not less than, you are not failing at love, you are not behind in relationships or in your human journey. You are not broken. You are becoming, you are healing, you are learning more about who you are, you are understanding more about your worth and your value and how it is 100%. You are finally in a place where you can see you and accept you, all of you. And when you can get to that place of acceptance of your worth and your value as always being 100%, it doesn't matter whether someone chooses you or leaves you or rejects you or wants to go out on a date with you now that you're divorced, or doesn't want to go out on a date with you now that you're divorced, or if your husband at the time cheated on you or chose someone else, or whatever, right? It doesn't matter because you see you, you understand your worth and your value, and you see it as 100%. And here's the bottom line when it comes to dealing with a divorce where your partner left you for someone else or was having affairs or chose someone over you, this puts you in a place where you have the opportunity to heal, to come back to you, to, as the title of this podcast says, become you again, right? And learning and understanding your worth, seeing your value, learning to love yourself, creating self-confidence, self-acceptance, allowing yourself to grieve and process, understanding that there are stories that your brain is telling you that aren't true at all. They just are comfortable because there's things that you've been believing for much of your life, because you have a lot of proof about it. All of these things brought together create the opportunity for you to evolve into the person that you are becoming, the person that you want to be. It's creating an opportunity for you to have a more authentic, more beautiful connection to you, to where you are centered in your own life. You see yourself more fully, you're more aware of what's going on, and you understand more truths about who you are and about what is happening in your world than ever before. So use the information that you have of your worth and your value are 100% at all times, and accept this idea that you do not need a partner to be whole, to be valuable, to complete you. Like, I really have to say, I hate that final line in Jerry Maguire. This is like the biggest tangent ever, because it just came into my head. But remember that movie, Jerry Maguire, from like 1997 or something like that with Tom Cruise and Renee Zalweger. Uh, you know, he comes in, she's talking about their relationship, and he comes in and he's like, You complete me. No, no, no, no. The fact that that movie was so popular and so many women were like, Oh my gosh, it's like the best thing ever. I just love that. And I'm one of those women. When I was like when that movie came out, I remember thinking, oh my gosh, I love that. I love that he completes her. No, no. Because you are worthy and you are whole and you are valuable exactly as you are, and you do not need a partner to complete you. You are whole and complete exactly as you are. So take this opportunity that you have now as your ex has left and moved on with someone else, and maybe you're with someone now, and maybe you're not, maybe you want to be, maybe you don't. Doesn't matter. What matters is that you understand that you were born whole, you were born worthy, you were born with inherent value that exists, whether someone chooses you, whether you are in a relationship or not, and if you want a partner moving forward, that can be an amazing addition to your life. It can be somebody that you can grow with, somebody that you can laugh with, build with, create a future with, or not. But you are not waiting to be completed because you are complete exactly as you are. You are not half of a person looking for the other half. No. You are already full, you are complex, you are powerful exactly as you are. That's what I want you to take away from in this podcast. You don't need the other person to make you whole, to make you worthy, to make you valid as a human and to validate your worthiness and to validate your value. You are all of those things right now, and you have been your whole entire life. And so if someone, your ex, chose someone else and left you, that is not a reflection of you and your worth. So do the work to create those new neural pathways, new beliefs, new stories that your brain is telling you and let go of the old stories, that you are not enough, that you are too much, that you're not good enough, that you just weren't what he was looking for or any of that. Let it all go and step into this idea that your life is meaningful and whole and valuable and complete exactly as you are. You do not need a partner to define that for you or to tell you that. You are the only person in your life who needs to understand and believe that. And right now is your perfect opportunity to do so. All right, my friends, I hope that is helpful. I love you so much. You are amazing. Do this work. It is so important to do this work. That is what I have for you this week. I will talk to you next week. Hi, friend. I'm so glad you're here and thanks for listening. I wanted to let you know that if you're wanting more, a way to make deeper, more lasting change, then working one-on-one with me as your coach may be exactly what you need. Together, we'll take everything you're learning in the podcast and implement it in your life with weekly coaching, real life practice, and practical guidance. To learn more about how to work with me one-on-one, go to Karin Nelson Coaching.com. That's www.k-ar-in-n-e-l-solncoaching.com. Thanks for listening. If this podcast agreed with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating wherever you listen to podcasts. And for more details about how I can help you live an even better life than when you were married, make sure and check out the full show notes by clicking the link in the description.

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Karin Nelson

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