Becoming You Again

How To Get A Good Night's Sleep After Divorce

• Karin Nelson • Episode 246

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Sleepless nights aren’t just exhausting; they can make every text from an ex, every budget decision, and every co‑parenting handoff feel harder than it needs to be. I dig into why stress and rumination hijack your rest during divorce and how cortisol and adrenaline surge right when you want to drift off. Then I’ll shift to practical, evidence‑informed tools that restore a sense of safety in your body so falling asleep and staying asleep becomes more likely.
 
I walk you through 6 steps to help you create the perfect environment for a good night’s sleep during stressful situations from that take care of your inside (think nervous system regulation) to your outside (think bedroom ambiance). 


You’ll also learn a compassionate approach to midnight wake-ups. The aim isn’t perfection; it’s a realistic 10% improvement that compounds into calmer days, a more regulated nervous system, better emotional resilience, and more energy for parenting, work, and healing. If you’re ready to trade 2 a.m. panic cycles for a plan you can use tonight, this conversation offers clear steps and steady encouragement.

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To schedule your complimentary consult with Karin click here.

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Karin Nelson:

You are listening to Becoming You Again, episode number 246, and I am your host, Karin Nelson. Welcome to Becoming You Again, the podcast where you learn to step into your power as a woman in this world, where you learn to reconnect to your wholeness, your integrity, and bring into alignment your brain, your body, and your intuition after divorce. This is the podcast where you learn to trust yourself again and move forward toward a life that you truly want. You are listening to Becoming You Again, and I am your host, Karin Nelson. Welcome back to the podcast, my lovely ladies. As always, I am so, so happy that you're here. This week, I really think this is going to be a very useful that is going to just like help you get through the rest of the holiday season, which I know we were like right smack in the middle of, but also it's just going to help you as you move into the new year and as you continue through your divorce and your life. And it's not a topic that I have talked about on the podcast, I don't think, specifically. And that is being able to get a good night's sleep. Like we all need this, we all want this. This is sometimes it just feels like it's completely out of reach, especially if you're going through perimenopause like me and you're not on HRT yet. If you aren't getting a good night's sleep or some sleep or feeling restful in the morning when you wake up, that sucks. That is maybe the worst thing ever, right? Like no woman wants that. We already carry so much stuff in our heads, in our bodies, and we take care of like everything. To not be able to sleep well feels like the worst thing ever, right? So I'm gonna talk about it today. I'm gonna talk about the science, and I'm gonna give you some remedies to help you hopefully get a little bit better night sleep. We may not be able to solve all the problems of your sleeping issues that you're having, okay? I know I haven't been able to solve all of mine yet. I have not been a good sleeper for many, many years, but I'm working on it, and I'm working on it right there with you. So let's try and get like 10% better sleep with this podcast and with these remedies and shoot for that. We're not shooting for perfection or like solving all the problems, but we're gonna shoot for a little bit better. Okay. So let's dive in and talk about it. Research shows that stressful life events like divorce. Funny that we would talk about that on this podcast, right? Like a loss, like major change can obviously like directly worsen the quality of sleep that you get. And one study found that stress often leads to rumination. And I've talked about rumination before, but it's basically that where you just like start to replay all the thoughts or all the things that you said or all the things that you wish you would have done, or you replay the story in your head, or the, or you replay the worries or the what-ifs. And they just replay over and over and over and keep you awake, which makes sense when you're going through a divorce. Like it's really common for women to ruminate on all of the things that they should have done differently, that they wish they could have changed, that they, the conversations that they wish wouldn't have happened, or they wish they would have said something different or shown up differently, or I could go on and on, right? So this study has found that stress leads to more rumination and it shows up more when we are trying to shut our brain off, when we are trying to fall asleep. Another study found that chronic stress triggers physiological reactions, which basically just means like you're gonna get a surge of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline when you're trying to go to sleep. So you're trying you're trying to sleep, and then you get this like stress trigger reaction where your body just sends out cortisol and adrenaline while you're trying to fall asleep, and that is interfering with your brain's ability to initiate and maintain deep, restful sleep. Which fucking sucks. Can we just be honest about this? Like I'm sure you've had this experience where you are sleeping and then you maybe wake up to go to the bathroom or something, or like you just shift in your bed and you wake up because of whatever. And then all of a sudden, your brain just starts racing about all of these thoughts and all of these things. And then you start to get a little bit panicked and you start to worry and you start to wonder how am I going to solve this problem? And so while that's all happening, cortisol and adrenaline are being released into your body, and then your brain is unable to initiate being able to fall back asleep. It's the most annoying thing in the world, right? It is a vicious cycle because poor sleep damages our mental health, which then makes it harder for us to be able to regulate our emotions, which then makes it harder to, you know, like keep our nervous system in check. And then we're more irritable, and then we're feeling more anxiety or more worry, and then we react to all the things that we're feeling instead of being able to create that space where we can, you know, intentionally choose how we want to respond and how we want to show up and how we can manage our mind and all those things. So having crappy sleep creates more difficulty in our day-to-day awake hours, especially when we're going through a divorce and we are trying to manage all of the things that we try and manage and or learning to manage as we go through this divorce. The bottom line is when your life is already going through this transition of divorce, like custody changes, kids trying to like create an environment where they feel safe and loved, and then you're having maybe financial stress, and then you're feeling some grief, and then you're trying to co-parent and you're trying to deal with your ex and all these things, and your nervous system is getting heightened constantly. Sometimes it feels like. So here's the really good news that I want you to know. Your sleep does not have to be hijacked by stress forever. In fact, research has shown that we can help create the right conditions externally and internally so that our sleep can recover. That is really good news. I want you to know that all is not lost. So here are the remedies that I want to offer you in today's podcast episode. Number one is what we're gonna do is we're gonna try and create a peaceful, consistent sleep environment and routine. Okay. Keep a regular sleep schedule if possible. Like try to go to bed and wake up around the same time every day. And that even means on weekends. Now I know it may be harder if you have little kids, or maybe if your kids are actually teenagers and they're out late and you like to stay up until they get home, like if they're out with their friends or whatever. So you get to like figure out what this consistency looks like for you. Do your best to keep a regular sleep schedule because consistency is going to help regulate your circadian rhythm, which is going to help support your mood and your emotional stability throughout the day as well, right? Okay, next one. We're gonna make your bedroom a sanctuary, if possible. Number one, make it cool in there, like a cool temperature, like a low, cool temperature. Cool temperature makes for better sleeping. Make your bed comfortable. Put comfortable bedding on there. Have low lights in there, keep your electronics out of the bedroom if possible, or at least like turn off the blue light or turn on that little thing that is on the iPhone that you can push and it makes your, you know, like makes your light like less bright or whatever. I don't, I don't know what it is. But there's some, there's like some, do some research if you're not sure what I'm talking about. I probably should have done the research, but I figure you guys probably know more about your phones than I do. Um, I'm not like the most tech savvy person. But like, let's keep the electronics out because the calming environment is really going to help keep your nervous system feeling safe, feeling comforted, feeling like it's taken care of. And then use your bed and like laying in your bed or being in your bedroom, even only for sleep or intimacy. But we're not using it as a place to scroll, we're not using it as a place to watch TV all day long. Because often when we do that, our brain will just start to overthink, we will relive the day. And then that makes your brain want to associate your bed with stress and mental replay rather than with rest and safety. Okay. So if it's possible to do those things, go for it. That's number one. Okay. Number two, we are going to practice gentle nervous system re-regulation or nervous system soothing before bed. Okay. So that may look like a breathing exercise 10 to 20 minutes before bed. That may look like doing a bedtime yoga practice, which I have done before, maybe 10 to 20 minutes before bed. You can find free ones on YouTube. I've found some really good ones on YouTube that are literally yoga for bedtime, like calming your body down for bedtime. Um, they help lower your cortisol and your adrenaline. They help support better sleep because of the way you are like relaxing your body and reminding your body and your brain, okay, it's time to start calming down. It's time to start to go to sleep, right? Maybe journaling and getting a lot of your thoughts out on paper is something that would be useful for you. Maybe going on a gentle, quiet walk or listening to soft, calming music, maybe keeping a particularly calming smell that works for you next to your bed so that when you get into bed, you smell that smell. And it helps remind your brain and your body, okay, it's time to start calming down. It's time to feel safe, it's time to start relaxing and getting ready for bed. Because what you want to do is you want to help your body and your brain shift out of that stressful mode, that day mode, into calm, peaceful mode. Okay. Number three, I want you to start doing your best to protect your body and your brain during the day. Now, what does that mean? That just means we're gonna take care of it. We're going to move our body as regularly as possible. Okay. That means moderate exercise, maybe going for a walk, maybe doing some yoga, maybe doing some cardio, maybe swimming, whatever works for you. Because doing that moderate movement helps regulate your sleep wake cycle. It helps reduce stress, it helps improve deeper sleep when you do actually fall asleep. Try to get some natural light early in the day. Now, I just learned about this just recently. One of my neighbors came over, we were having a conversation, and she was like, Yeah, there's something about like the first two hours of sunlight in the day. If you can get out and get a walk, it does something, it like helps regulate your circadian rhythm and it signals to your brain this is awake time and this is sleep time, and like probably does some other things too that I'm just not even sure about. But natural light, being out in it, and specifically like the first two hours of the day, if you can, amazing. If not, just get outside, get some of that vitamin C, that natural vitamin C, like into your body, into your brain, lighting you up, filling you up. That is protecting your body and your brain during the day, preparing you for the evening when you go to sleep. And then if you can limit your stimulant, you know, like caffeine or nicotine later in the day, like too close to bedtime. We don't want to be doing any of that too close to bedtime. Okay, number four. This is gonna move into giving yourself permission. And I have talked so much about how important it is to give yourself permission. So I really want to emphasize this for number four. You're gonna give yourself permission to transition from stress to rest or from whatever has happened during your day, maybe it wasn't always stressful, but it was whatever, right? To rest. So we're gonna give ourselves permission to transition from stress to rest. Okay. This is gonna hopefully help with some of that rumination that you might be finding yourself in. And particularly it's like doing a brain dump, right? Getting all of the thoughts that might be coming up for you, the things that you have been thinking about and worrying about, and maybe even ruminating on throughout the day, getting it out on paper, getting it out in a voice file, putting it in an email and sending it to yourself and then throwing it away, or like whatever helps you to get your brain, all of the worries out, and then just like close the notebook, close the phone notes, close the email, send the email, and then trash it. That is going to say to your brain, I am not thinking about this anymore today. I can think about it more tomorrow. But right now, I am done thinking about this. And if that isn't enough, there is a practice that I have taught my clients before of shelving our worries or our anxieties or our whatever until the next day, where you literally tell yourself, I don't have time to think about this right now. I am putting this on the shelf and I will think about it like tomorrow at two o'clock or whatever you decide, right? And you can literally like tell your brain that, and then your brain can say, Oh, okay, we're not gonna think about this right now. We have it set on our calendar for another time. Let's try that. So if that is helpful to you and that is helpful in the transition of going from stress to calm, great, try it, use it. Okay, number five. We're gonna use some soothing, calming practices to support your rest. That can mean, and some of these, like we already talked about, like the soft music, maybe reading a chapter out of a book that you just love or that you're really into or that is calming to you. For me, I love bubble baths. And if there is a night where I'm just really like hyped up, feeling really stressed out, I have some calming bubble bath. It is specifically has aromatherapy in it that is for calming nerves and calming your nervous system. I can't remember specifically what the aromas are in it. Um, but I use that specifically just for a bath. And then I take a warm bath, and that helps like put me in that calm state. Maybe stretching, we've talked about yoga, right? Maybe journaling or drawing even could help soothe your soothe your nervous system and signal to your brain, listen, we are safe right now. It is safe to rest, it is safe to relax, it is safe to be calm in this space. And if you're really feeling amped up, or if you even wake up in the middle of the night and you have a hard time falling back asleep, this is a somatic practice that I have talked with my clients about. This is one that I think I've taught on the podcast, maybe. Um, but you can do a somatic check-in where you just lie comfortably, like where you're at, you keep your eyes closed, you breathe in, breathe out deeply, in through your nose, out through your mouth, and then you do a body scan. And you just like notice where is the tension, where's the anxiety, where's the grief, where is it in my body, and just allow it to soften. You don't have to fix it, you don't have to problem solve it. It's just about being present with where you're at. Also, and this goes along with number six, because number six, which I'm going into right now, be gentle with yourself. Like, don't beat yourself up about not being able to sleep. Healing takes time. Learning how to sleep better takes time. Learning and, you know, embracing these sleep practices, they're they're gonna take time and it's okay. But like the more you stress yourself out that you're not sleeping, the worse it's going to feel and the more you're gonna stay awake. So we just be gentle with ourselves. Instead of saying, oh, I can't, I can't believe I can't fall asleep. Oh my gosh, I can't believe I woke up. I've been trying to work on my sleep and this sucks and I hate this. I I have the busiest day tomorrow. I just really need to get a good night's sleep and I can't fall asleep and I'm so mad. Like instead of doing that, which is not useful, which is not helpful, which is not being gentle with ourselves. Try this little rework, which could sound something like, okay, I'm feeling some insomnia right now. I can't sleep. Okay. Right? Like that's so simple. But we don't have to make it a problem that we're not sleeping. We just kind of notice it and validate it. And that's it. Like it takes the pressure off of needing to fall asleep immediately. It takes the pressure off of not being able to go back to sleep, even when you know you have a really busy day tomorrow. Right. It just kind of validates of like, all right, I'm feeling some insomnia. That's where I'm at right now. Not a problem. Right? It doesn't have to be a problem unless we make it a huge giant problem. So we just don't make it a huge giant problem. And it really, you may still not be able to fall asleep for a little while, but you're not gonna be amped up and tossing and turning the rest of the night. And let's give ourselves a break. Let's understand that, like, we're probably gonna have some rough nights. We're probably gonna have some nights where we have really shitty dreams or we have lots of tossing and turning. That's okay. Like, do we don't need to beat ourselves up for not sleeping perfectly every single night? We just come back to the tools when we need to. We give ourselves some compassion as we go, as we're going through this process of divorce, which is very stressful, of transitions, which are very stressful. And we just do our best to add as many of these healthy sleep remedies as we can. And then we don't shame ourselves when we don't have a perfect night's sleep every time. Right. And if and if you really need more help with this, you know, there are plenty of sleep specialists, therapists, somatic coaches, even talking to your doctor and maybe, maybe getting on HRT or, you know, some hormone therapy or something is the right move for you. But there are so many other avenues that you can look at to help you move through this process in terms of figuring out how to good get a good night's sleep as you go through your divorce. Use some of these remedies, but the key that I really want to get to here with this number six is be gentle, be kind, be compassionate with yourself. You don't have to beat yourself up just because you had a shitty night's sleep. Like we're going to be kind to ourselves. Okay. So what is it actually going to do for you when you can get a good night's sleep? You're going to feel calmer. You're going to feel less reactive, less triggered by maybe an a text that you get from your ex or something that your kid says, or the finances, or the stress that you might be feeling over the holiday. You're going to feel like more calm throughout your day. Who doesn't want that? That's amazing, right? Your nervous system is going to feel more regulated. You're going to feel more cared for because you're already speaking kind to kinder to yourself. You are going to feel more loved and more supported by you, which is always amazing. You are going to feel less emotionally overwhelmed because you're going to feel more grounded in your body. You're going to feel more grounded in being able to regulate your nervous system when you need to. Your energy is going to go up during the day, which is always an amazing thing, which makes more space for more self-care, more self-coaching, more manifestation of like bringing in intention and great things into your life, of being a good mom, of being an incredible like employee or business owner or whatever it is that you do in your life, right? So we're just creating more space and more capacity to show up more full in our lives. And that is a beautiful thing. And you are creating capacity for more vulnerability, more healing, more grieving and being able to like move through and heal through your divorce, through the transition, through the transitions of your life, through all like all of the things, which is truly the most beneficial, amazing thing that we could possibly ask for. So, okay, here's what I want you to try tonight. I'm gonna just this is gonna give like a little quick rundown of some of the things I talked about that you can try for your first night of trying to get a good night's sleep. Okay. And then you can create whatever routine feels best and right to you. So tonight or this weekend when you don't have your kids or whatever you choose. The first thing I want you to do is I want you to try and create that safety that we talked about, like dim the lights, make your room cool, make your bed cozy, put your phone away or out of sight or whatever. Then I want you to do a five-minute brain dump. Just write out whatever is swirling in your head in a notebook or on the notes on your phone or do a voice memo or whatever it is, right? Whatever works for you. Just get all of your worries, all of the anger, all of the tasks, all of the things out of your brain, onto paper or into your phone, and then put away. Okay. Then either pick some kind of calming activity to transition you into getting ready to go to sleep, calming your brain and your body down from the stress of the day into okay, it's almost bedtime. That can be reading a book, that can be listening to some music, that can be maybe a gentle stretch, maybe sipping some herbal tea, maybe smelling the smells, the aromas that really calm you down and work for you. Maybe it's doing a five-minute body scan, or you're just intentionally like noticing where you're keeping the tension and then relaxing that part of your body. And then you are going to do your best to fall asleep and set those consistent bedtime and wake time hours. Okay. All right, my friends, try that tonight. I hope that this is helpful for you as you go through the rest of the holiday season, as you go through the rest of the into the new year and then the rest of next year and the rest of your divorce to help you get the rest, the sleep, the calm, the peace, the nervous system re-regulation that you need so that you can feel your most energized best self throughout the day. That is what I have for you today. Thank you so much for being here. I will be back next week. Hi, friend. I'm so glad you're here and thanks for listening. I wanted to let you know that if you're wanting more, a way to make deeper, more lasting change, then working one-on-one with me as your coach may be exactly what you need. Together, we'll take everything you're learning in the podcast and implement it in your life with weekly coaching, real life practice, and practical guidance. To learn more about how to work with me one-on-one, go to Karin Nelson Coaching.com. That's www.k-ar-in-n-e-l-s-o-n coaching.com. Thanks for listening. If this podcast agreed with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating wherever you listen to podcasts. And for more details about how I can help you live an even better life than when you were married, make sure and check out the full show notes by clicking the link in the description.

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Karin Nelson

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