Becoming You Again

When Your Child Reminds You Of Your Ex

• Karin Nelson • Episode 244

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A single look, a familiar tone, and suddenly your chest tightens and your jaw clenches. That immediate trigger and reminder of your ex is your body doing its best to protect you. I explore those charged moments when a child reminds you of your ex and help you figure out a path away from reactivity to reconnection, so you can parent as the parent you want to be rather than from your past wounds.
 
 You’ll learn how to realign your nervous system so clarity can return. Then you can decide how to reconnect, repair and move forward allowing your child the space to be themselves while you manage your own emotional responsibility. 

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Karin Nelson:

You're listening to Becoming You Again, the podcast where you learn how to reconnect with your wholeness, your integrity, and your self-trust after divorce. I'm your host, Karen Nelson, and this is episode number 244. Welcome to Becoming You Again, the podcast where you learn to step into your power as a woman in this world, where you learn to reconnect to your wholeness, your integrity, and bring into alignment your brain, your body, and your intuition after divorce. This is the podcast where you learn to trust yourself again and move forward toward a life that you truly want. You are listening to Becoming You Again, and I am your host, Karen Nelson. Welcome back to the podcast, my lovely, lovely ladies. As always, I'm so happy to be here. Today I want to talk about one of those moments that pretty much almost every divorced woman goes through at some point, but nobody really likes talks about this. So let's talk about it today. And it is the moment that your child does or says something that reminds you of your ex, like a behavior, a look, a tone of voice, something like that. And before you can even think, your entire body gets triggered and reacts to this happening. Like maybe it's your teenager's tone of voice that just feels a little too familiar, or it's like this stubbornness when they say no, or they have this look on their face and they're just like setting a boundary. Or maybe it's like when you have like a little, a little child, if you have little ones and they spill something and it brings back like this flashback of your ex being really careless, or they have like this inability to take responsibility for things or to, you know, clean up after themselves or whatever, right? There's lots of different moments that this could happen in. But you notice it, you feel something in your body, and like you're immediately irritated, you're frustrated, you're annoyed, you might even be like angered or enraged over it. And then you are like thinking, ah, I am, am I really being triggered by my child because they're reminding me of my ex? Like, I don't want to feel that way. What is wrong with me? And then we start to feel mom guilt, and then we feel all of these things, and we don't want to be judging them in that way. That's what this podcast is all about to help you through those moments. Okay. So the first thing I want you to do when that happens, like I'm gonna dive into more about why this is happening and how to support yourself. But when you start to notice it in those moments, just immediately take a deep breath. Like it's okay. Remind yourself there is nothing wrong with me. This is a totally normal human reaction to what is happening. It doesn't mean you're a bad mom. It doesn't mean you're broken, it doesn't mean that you hate your child. It doesn't mean you can't have a good relationship with them. It doesn't mean you're crazy. It just means that you are healing and you still have some old wounds that you need to work on. Okay, that's all it means. So what is actually going on in that moment? Like what's actually happening in your body in that moment? When your child does something that reminds you of your ex, your body is suddenly on high alert. Like your nervous system is heightened in that moment. Your nervous system is reacting to what it is perceiving as a familiar threat. It's got like the memory or the ghost memory of something that happened in the past and your body is reacting to it. That's what our bodies do, especially when the amygdala is reacting in that survival mode, right? It feels threatened and it goes on high alert. So your brain has made a connection between the present moment and a past experience, a past experience that was maybe painful or stressful or where you felt unsafe in some way, emotionally or otherwise, right? But most of the time, probably emotionally when we're talking about that on this podcast. And so, like even if you slow things down and logically you know your child is not your ex, right? Your body doesn't necessarily know that because it's reacting to the feeling that is happening in your body, those chemicals and those vibrations that are going on in your body. Your body is feeling something that matches like this old pattern, this old reaction, as if it's in that situation from before. And it truly is your nervous system working to protect you. Your nervous system is doing its job perfectly. That's what it's there for. It's there to protect you in those moments. But the problem is that it is responding to the past, not what's actually happening in the present. Okay. So when your child's tone or that behavior or the look on their face reminds you of something that you used to experience with your ex, your brain is like, uh-oh, we know this pattern. We've been here before. This is danger, danger, danger. And then your body is flooded with those vibrations and sensations and hormones and chemicals, and you feel your nervous system heighten, right? Your your hackles rise, your chest tightens, maybe your jaw gets tight, maybe you feel like a pit or a tightness in your stomach, your heart rate starts to race. And you, if you aren't aware of it, you might start parenting from a reaction to that old wound and to how you used to react when your ex would show up in that way. And if that is not the parent that you want to be in the present moment, then this is how we like take accountability and decide intentionally what kind of parent you want to be in that moment, right? So I say this all the time, probably in every single episode that I've given you, but awareness, it has to be the first step. It's always the first step to being able to change any kind of pattern or any kind of behavior that you want to do because we're not trying to change our kids, right? We're not trying to change how they show up. Like you can parent them and you can try and like help them see, but we're not trying to control what they do. We can only control what we can do. Okay. So we are wanna be aware of how we are reacting in these moments. You can't heal anything that you don't recognize, right? We have to have awareness. And your brain is looking for an explanation of like, why does this feel uncomfortable? Why is my nervous system heightened? What's happening for me? And typically our brain is like, oh, it's my kid because they did that thing. Again, we're not trying to control our kids or change how they are, right? They are half you, half your ex, or however DNA works. I don't even really know how that works, but like they came from both of you, is the point. Okay. And it doesn't mean that your child is bad either. It really doesn't. I really want to just like like push that home for you. It doesn't mean that your child is a bad person because they have some behaviors that are like your ex, or because they use a tone of voice, or because they do something that reminds you of your ex. All right. So we're not sitting here like blaming your kid. We are trying to show up in a way that is supportive of you so that you can recognize your patterns, heal old wounds, and then show up as the parent that you want to be in those moments. So instead of saying something like, he reminds me of my ex in this moment, and it is so frustrating. What we want to try and do with that awareness is you want to have some kind of like mindset shift, if possible. It may not happen in the moment, it may happen afterwards, and that's okay. That's kind of how healing works. A lot of times we don't recognize it in the moment. But with more practice, we get better at it and we start to see it in moments. Okay. And so we want to get to that mindset shift and we want to, instead of blaming your child, we just want to pause for a minute and we want to name what's actually happening. So you could try out this thought. And if it works for you, great. If not, come up with something else that feels believable and true, but also hurts less or makes you feel less guilty or whatever, right? It could say something like, Sometimes my child's behavior reminds me of a wound that I haven't fully healed from, right? There's lots of different like forms that this could take. But we don't want to step into the blame of my kid is just like their dad. And we want to step into this reminds me of something that I haven't been able to heal yet. Okay. Do you see the difference? You're not making your child the problem. You're identifying where that actual pain is coming from. Your kid isn't making you feel some sort of way. Okay. You're in charge of your emotions and how you're feeling, and we're going to take accountability for that and then own where we need to do some healing still. One of the most common things I hear from women after divorce is I don't even know who I am anymore. And I totally get it because I have been there too. After years of putting everyone else first, I felt completely lost. I didn't know what I liked. I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't know what my dreams were. I didn't even really recognize who I was. And that is why I created my new guide, 115 Ways to Get to Know You. This is the exact formula that I used to get to know myself in a way that I hadn't in years. It's a playful, supportive roadmap that helped me reconnect to myself through simple, doable ideas. And because I want you to feel confident as you rediscover you, I've also included two powerful bonuses: the five confidence-building morning habits and self-confidence go-to thoughts. You get all of this and so much more for just $7 because you deserve to know yourself again. Let this guide be your first step. Click the link in the description for more info. So we want to get curious. Let's get curious about what's actually going on for you. Like, what is it about this moment that feels familiar? What is it that I'm noticing in my body? What memory or experience is my body reacting to? Can I like pinpoint those for myself? And what do I need to do to create safety for myself in this moment? Because that's really, these are the things that we can control. And we when we can get curious about these things, that's when we can start to step into some healing, right? We're going to create emotional regulation. We're going to create awareness. We're going to create understanding through the curiosity. And then we're going to step into moments of, and what do I need to do for myself to feel safe again, to feel emotionally taken care of in this moment? I really want to drive this home. Your kid is not your ex. They are not your ex. Okay. Yes, they share DNA, not saying that. Yes, they have certain traits, they have certain gestures, expressions, maybe even certain behaviors, but they are not your ex. Your child is their own person. They truly are. They are still becoming who they are. They're still kids until they're like in their 20s. Their brain isn't even fully developed. They're still figuring out who they are and what their footing is and like who the person they're becoming and what they believe and what the meaning is and the experience, like all of the things, okay? They deserve a chance to grow into the person that they are becoming without carrying around your emotional baggage from your past relationship with their father. And the thing is, is you deserve the same. You deserve the same to have a relationship with your child that is based on knowing them for them without judgment, right? Loving them, creating safety for them, creating connection that isn't filtered through that same pain that you have for your ex. When we subconsciously project onto our kids these unhealed wounds, what we're really doing is we are giving the past and the experiences that we had in the past more power than it deserves. We want to leave that in the past, right? We're trying to heal from that. Doesn't mean we can't take a look at it and touch it from time to time, but we don't want to carry it forward and make it into our future and put that pressure on our children. It's not their fault. Okay. They didn't ask to be born. They didn't ask to be a part of both of you. We're not going to put our healing and make it their responsibility. Okay. So when you catch yourself thinking, oh, they're acting just like their dad, I just want you to pause, take a breath, and remind yourself, this is my child. It is not my ex. And the thing that I want you to remember that's like gonna be really important in these moments is how to create space for yourself. Create space through regulation of your body, emotional regulation, whether it is through somatic practice, through a grounding technique, through something that you know is a foundational tool that creates that emotional safety that you're looking for in those moments. Remind yourself, okay, in this moment I am actually safe. And this moment is not the past. All right. It's that is just a good reminder to help you be able to shift out of the nervous system heightening that you're going through. So take a few breaths. Maybe you have to like step away for a minute. Maybe you need to rub your chest like I do and say, remind yourself, like, this is such a human moment of mine. In this moment, I am safe. My survival is not threatened. Like, whatever works for you. Those things work for me. Maybe they'll work for you, maybe they won't, but there are things that you can try out to bring your nervous system down a little bit, like on a scale of one to 10. Maybe in that moment, you're a seven, you're an eight. We want to get it down like a point or two or four, whatever works. Okay. So that you can have a sense of calm. It doesn't mean that everything's, you're not gonna feel uncomfortable, maybe. It doesn't mean that like your child has to show up in a different way for you to feel better. It just means that you're gonna take care of yourself in those moments in the ways that you know work for you. And when you can do that, that's when you get to intentionally decide how you're going to respond. You're gonna intentionally decide, okay, I'm not gonna react to this, but how do I want to respond? If I need to respond, maybe you don't even need to, right? Maybe it's just they said something in passing and you don't need to have like this big parenting moment where we have a lot of like behavior change and identification and uh consequences to their actions. Like maybe and maybe not. You are their parent, you get to decide what the situation entails. But we can't do that if we're just constantly reacting to old wounds. We want to lower our nervous system as much as we can, ground ourselves, use a somatic practice, breathing technique, uh, remind ourselves that we're safe in this moment. And then the last thing that I want you to do is I want you to step into some reconnection to your kids after this trigger has happened, right? Because even if you did react in the moment and you wish you hadn't, it's okay. Like repair is possible for you. Okay. This is when you can apologize and say, hey, listen, I'm really sorry. I seemed, I might have seemed really upset earlier. That moment brought up something for me that had nothing to do with you, had everything to do with me and this, you know, healing process that I'm going through. Or maybe if it your kid is younger and they don't understand what that is, right? You can give them a hug or a cuddle or some playtime or just some loving connection in that way. But if your kid is older, you're totally allowed to have a conversation with them and say, listen, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to treat you that way. That wasn't about you. It was about me and some things that I'm going through. And I don't want to treat you that way, right? Like you can, you can apologize to your kid. When you do that, you are number one showing up as like an example to them that even parents make mistakes and they can own them. That teaches them that like they are also going to make mistakes. They're not perfect either, and that they will always have the opportunity to own those mistakes. That's a beautiful thing for your kids to learn. And for you to be the example of that to them is amazing. And then what this reconnection does is it's like a way of telling your kids, like, listen, I see you for who you are. I love you. And you are not to blame for my emotions. You don't make me feel a certain way. You don't like aren't in charge of the way I feel. I'm in charge of that. And I'm not going to put that on you and make you responsible for that. And then it also is like reminding your nervous system in those moments like, you know what, I'm safe. You're safe. This relationship is intact. Love is still here. We may not get along every second, and that's totally okay. That is so human of us, right? This reconnection, these moments of reconnection, it builds trust. It can repair where connection has been lost or disconnection is happening. And it teaches your kid that relationships can go through conflict, that love doesn't just disappear when things are hard. And that being emotionally honest is what creates safety and owning your emotional responsibility, not making your kids be in charge of your emotions and saying, well, you hurt my feelings by giving me that look that your dad used to always give me. It's no, we're not doing that. Okay. We're not doing that. You are going to take emotional responsibility over you and your emotions and heal the parts of you that need healing. Listen, I know that this work can be hard. I know that it takes a lot of self-awareness. I know it takes humility. I know it takes a lot of compassion for you and compassion for your child, but it is so worth it. Because when you start to notice these moments and you start to shift how you respond, you're not just healing yourself. You are breaking down generational patterns. You are showing your children what emotional responsibility looks like. You are teaching them that being a human means that we're going to feel lots of different things. And we're still going to choose connection, create safety for ourselves, and repair where we can. And that is going to create growth and love. And most importantly, I think what it's giving you and what it's also giving your kids is it's giving both of you permission to be human. We are human and we are going to feel hurt sometimes, and we are going to have old wounds that pop up and be triggered by things. And we are all in the process of healing, and that's okay. When you choose to have this awareness over the blame and this connection over like the shaming or the disconnection or the projection of they're doing something wrong and it's their fault I feel this way, that is sacred work. That is beautiful work, that is healing work for you, not just for you though, for your child as well. So in these moments, just remember pause, breathe, name it for what it is. I am recognizing something, an old wound from the past. And it is not my child's fault that that I'm feeling this. So, how am I going to support myself through it? And then how am I going to create a moment of reconnection with my child if possible? And if it doesn't happen right then in that moment, choose a time later. Like next day, when you're driving together, when the house is quiet, maybe around dinner time, like choose a time later on for that reconnection. Because it's important. It's important for you and it's important for them. All right, my friends, I hope that you find this helpful. I think this is something that isn't talked about a lot. But I think every woman, like who's going through a divorce or who's gone through a divorce and has children has moments like this. And so I really hope that you will take this into consideration of these are steps you can take to help heal yourself through these moments without placing the blame on your children and without creating disconnection from them. All right, my friends, I love you as always. Thank you so much for being here. You are doing amazing work. Keep it up. I will be back next week. Hi, friend. I'm so glad you're here and thanks for listening. I wanted to let you know that if you're wanting more, a way to make deeper, more lasting change, then working one-on-one with me as your coach may be exactly what you need. Together, we'll take everything you're learning in the podcast and implement it in your life with weekly coaching, real life practice, and practical guidance. To learn more about how to work with me one-on-one, go to Karen Nelson Coaching.com. That's www.karin, N-E-L-S-O-N coaching.com. Thanks for listening. If this podcast agreed with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating wherever you listen to podcasts. And for more details about how I can help you live an even better life than when you were married, make sure and check out the full show notes by clicking the link in the description.

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Karin Nelson

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