Becoming You Again

How To Release The Past And Rebuild Trust In Yourself After Divorce

• Karin Nelson • Episode 242

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Your brain keeps saying “you should have known better,” but your body is tired of carrying the pain from that story. Let’s get you out of the loop of replaying the past. In this episode I walk through why our minds cling to the past after divorce, how “shoulds” fuel shame and self-blame, and what it actually takes to let go in real life.
 
I start by exposing the sneaky logic of replaying old arguments and decisions, then shift into a practical, compassionate method for release. Most importantly, I’ll teach you how to practice a new stance toward your past self. 

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Karin Nelson:

You are listening to Becoming You Again, the podcast that helps you move through divorce with strength, compassion, and deep trust with yourself. This is where you learn to reconnect to who you are through your brain, your body, and your intuition, and create a life that's even better than when you were married. I am your host, Karin Nelson, and you are listening to episode number 242. Welcome to Becoming You Again, the podcast where you learn to step into your power as a woman in this world, where you learn to reconnect to your wholeness, your integrity, and bring into alignment your brain, your body, and your intuition after divorce. This is the podcast where you learn to trust yourself again and move forward toward a life that you truly want. You are listening to Becoming You Again, and I am your host, Karin Nelson. Welcome back to the podcast, my lovely, lovely ladies. I am so glad that you're here. Today I'm going to be talking about helping you to like release the past, move on from the past, let go of the past in some way. I want to first focus for just a minute on why the past can feel so heavy. Like, have you ever caught yourself thinking about times during your marriage or looking back on something and just thought, like, I should have known better, or I should have left sooner, I should have asked for the divorce 10 years ago or five years ago, or if I would have just done that thing differently, or if I would have just not done that thing, or not said that thing, or spoke up, like it could, this could look so many different ways, right? But I want you to know that you are not alone. Those shoulds have a very sneaky way of keeping us tied to the past because it uh it doesn't allow us to let go of things that have occurred. When we find ourselves in situations like that where we are thinking about the past and those shoulds come up, our brain thinks it's like really being helpful by just replaying all of the things that you should have done, you wish you would have done, you could have done. Because our brain thinks that when we recount those things, we may be able to somehow prevent pain from actually happening in the future. But all those stories are doing is keeping us stuck and spinning in things that we cannot change, because we cannot change the past. We cannot change how we showed up two minutes ago, five years ago, 10 years ago. We cannot change how we showed up in the past. So when you've gone through a divorce, and this shows up as like reliving your past relationship or re-examining conversations that you've had, or arguments that you had, or re-questioning choices that you made. Like maybe you replay the moment that you decided to file, or maybe you replay an argument that you had that kind of led to you questioning should I stay in this marriage, or maybe you replay, like one time when you said something to your kid about your ex and like it led to like kind of a fractured way of being in that relationship. And then you start to question yourself and you start to tell yourself things, like if I had just done it differently, said it differently, if I would have just listened or been stronger or got out sooner or left earlier or done this differently, or all of those shoulda, woulda, coulda's, all that energy that your brain is trying to rewrite your history with is not helpful to you. All it is doing is keeping you in a cycle of shame, guilt, and self-blame. We cannot, I want to reiterate this, we cannot change what has already happened. And believing that it's possible that we can keeps you stuck in that cycle. So let's talk for a minute about what it looks like to let go, because I think very often we have this idea in our head that letting go is going to be like this very big, like cinematic release. And then everything is going to be different and change in that one moment of time. Like we have one really good cry or one perfect meditation event, or we journal one night before bed, and we just write down all of the perfect things that and we take all of the thoughts out of our brain and we put them on down on paper, and then we're finally going to be free of this thing that has been spinning in our head. And then we can just be done and move on. Amazing. But the reality is like that would be awesome if it was like that. Life would be much easier if we could do that, right? If we could just like very easily let go of things that have been like harping on our brain. And I think sometimes that's possible. Sometimes it truly is possible. But I think for most of us, the reality is letting go, it's not a one and done. It's a practice, it's a skill that you build, like when you are working a muscle, like when you're working out at the gym and you are building up your muscle mass. Sometimes it is slow and quiet. Sometimes it's messy and like cyclical. And we repeat old patterns. Sometimes it comes in waves, like grief does. It'll like it'll hit you and then it will like kind of recede, it will wax and wane. Like you finally think that you've released something, and then bam, like a memory will pop up, a photo or a text from your ex, a co-parenting moment, something like that will bring it all back again. And when these things happen, I want you to remember. It does not mean that you failed. It does not mean that you haven't moved on. It doesn't mean that you haven't learned, it doesn't mean that you haven't progressed or evolved. It doesn't even mean that you haven't been able to let go of things from the past. All it means is that your nervous system is being reminded of an old wound. And I really want to like emphasize this. The work that you're doing on yourself and on the healing that you are going through as you work to heal from your divorce and as you work to heal these old wounds, it's not so that you can get rid of your past or forget the things that have happened or like change any of that. The work is to just become aware of what's actually going on, meet yourself with compassion and kindness, and then use the tools that you are learning to help you stay connected to what is happening in the here and now. And then support yourself through what you're going through. That's what the work is for. It's not so that you like never feel negative emotion. It's not so that you don't, you know, experience hard moments or feel like, oh, I thought that I had let that go and I didn't actually. Like we just learn to accept that of ourselves because we're not perfect beings. And that isn't a problem. It's not a problem to not be perfect. It's actually just means that you're like a regular human being. And when you can step into and accept those parts of you that aren't perfect, that is like building a connection to you that is the most authentic thing that you can ever do, is accepting all parts of you as you. So here's one of my favorite practices that I teach my clients when it comes to being able to release yourself from the past mistakes, from the past struggles, from the past challenges that you find maybe holding you back. I want you to think of a situation, maybe it's a situation that you keep replaying in your head. And I want you to write it out on a piece of paper. And then I want you to go through and evaluate things from an objectively true standpoint versus a subjective emotional standpoint. So the facts versus everything else, the story, right? The facts are things that are truly objective. They cannot be questioned. Like I had I received a text from my ex at 12 noon, and it said da-da-da-da-da. Those would be the facts. The fact the text came in at 12 noon and it said, in quotes, what was said in the text. Like those are facts. They cannot be questioned. But the things that are like, and it made me mad, and I felt like yelling, and I was super pissed off the rest of the day, and I hate my ex every time he texts me. I feel anxious, and it is so annoying when I see his text messages because then I just like can't let it go. That's all story. Yes, you might be feeling those things, but they are not objective facts because somebody else could get that text and not feel any of those things. They are subjective, okay? That's your story around what the text is doing to you. I'm not questioning how you're feeling, all right. Those are objectively true to you. However, the story that you are spinning about in your head about the text is the subjective thing that's happening here. So I want you to just get really good at becoming aware of the difference between the two. Where are the objective facts and what's the story? What's the emotional part that is happening for you? We're not, this isn't about shaming yourself over your story. We all have stories. We all do. We truly all do. But I want you to see the difference between the actual objective facts and what your brain is making up based off of your experiences, your past traumas, your beliefs, the way you've been conditioned, based off of so many different things. All right. One of the most common things I hear from women after divorce is I don't even know who I am anymore. And I totally get it because I have been there too. After years of putting everyone else first, I felt completely lost. I didn't know what I liked, I didn't know what I wanted, I didn't know what my dreams were, I didn't even really recognize who I was. And that is why I created my new guide, 115 Ways to Get to Know You. This is the exact formula that I used to get to know myself in a way that I hadn't in years. It's a playful, supportive roadmap that helped me reconnect to myself through simple, doable ideas. And because I want you to feel confident as you rediscover you, I've also included two powerful bonuses: the five confidence-building morning habits and self-confidence go-to thoughts. You get all of this and so much more for just $7 because you deserve to know yourself again. Let this guide be your first step. Click the link in the description for more info. And then I want you to just be compassionate and gentle as you start to untangle yourself from the story that your brain is spinning. The next thing I want you to do is I want you to notice if there are any shoulds that show up in your story that you wrote down. Like, or any thoughts of shoulds, too, if these thoughts come to you. Like, I should have stayed, I should have fought harder, I should have left sooner, he should have treated me better, he shouldn't talk to me that way. Like any of these shoulds, I want you to just recognize them. Because shoulds is what's keeping us stuck. And so we just want to start to recognize where these shoulds are keeping us stuck in the story that we aren't able to let go or move on from. Now, as you're going through this exercise of recognizing the difference between the facts and your story and then looking for any of the shoulds, you may start to feel emotions. Because typically, when we have thoughts, emotions come with it, right? And so I want you to start noticing what's happening inside your body as you're doing this. And if it's possible, I want you to name the emotion that you're feeling. Now I want you to remember an emotion is a one-word descriptor, like grief, anger, sadness, shame, joy, peace, any of those things, okay? Try and name what you're feeling. And then I want you to get into your body and I want you to describe it to the best of your ability. Where do you feel it? Is it in your chest? Does it feel heavy? Is your heart beating faster? Is your throat tight? Do your cheeks feel hot? Do you feel like redness in your stomach? Does it feel black and heavy and full? Like start to recognize where this emotion is showing up in your body and describe it. Describe it like you're trying to tell me that I need to draw it, but I don't know how to draw these things. So you have to describe it to me in physiologic terms, okay? Just noticing and allowing the emotion to exist within you without judging it, without needing to fix it, without needing it to go away will automatically help you and your body process through it and release it from your system. You don't have to force it, you don't have to make it go away, you don't have to run away from it. You can just stop and allow it to be there, to be with you. Now, this can be very scary and very uncomfortable if you have never allowed yourself to feel what is happening in your body. So if this is too much to handle, if it becomes too intense, you're not doing anything wrong. Just take a break. Just literally stand up and walk away. You don't have to sit in the intensity if you are not ready for that. It's totally okay. Your healing process is yours. And just because I'm like, you should feel your emotions. You should sit with them and process through them. If you're not ready to do that, like I'm not the person that's like, no, you have to do this. Listen to yourself, listen to your body and let your body be the guide. And then the last thing that I want you to do is I want you to start to practice some compassion and self-forgiveness, if that feels right to you, but self-compassion for sure. Most of the time when we are stuck in the past, it is because of self-blame. We think things like, but if I forgive myself, I'm saying that what happened is okay. Or if I forgive the other person, then I'm saying what happened is okay. But forgiveness isn't about excusing your past self or their past self. It is about understanding. Okay. So let's just take you as the example, and you want to forgive something like a past choice, right? Your past self made choices based on what you knew at that moment, based on your resources, your fears, your beliefs, your level of feeling safety, things that were happening in your nervous system. Like you had a good reason for doing the things that you did. For staying as long as you did, for not speaking up, for whatever it is that you are holding against yourself and thinking that you are not good enough in some way, or that you deserve this, or whatever might be happening for you? We're not going to do that because you had a good reason for doing it. Whether or not you knew it at the time, it doesn't matter. Right now we are looking back to see it so that we can heal. So can you offer yourself some compassion instead of judgment? What would it look like if you were able to thank that part of you, that previous version of you, for surviving through something that she didn't quite know how to handle? What would that look like? And can you be willing to do that? That is what self-forgiveness looks like. That is what self-compassion sounds like. It's acceptance that the past happened exactly the way it happened, and then learning to let go of needing to argue with the reality of what is, so that you can start to build a new reality for yourself, starting right now, in the present moment. Byron Cady has a quote that I really like. And she said, When you argue with reality, you lose, but only 100% of the time. And she's so right. Like when we argue with what already happened in the past and we get mad at ourselves for doing those things or for experiencing it that, or for experiencing it in the way that we experienced it, we're trying to change something that is literally impossible to change. But if we can stop arguing with that, if we can just accept what was and let go of needing it to change, that's when we can start to heal. That's when we can start to build off of what it is that we truly want to create moving forward. So beginning the process of letting go can look a lot of different ways. It can be those steps that I just gave you, but if you're not ready to do that yet, here are some ways that you can integrate releasing and learning to let go in different moments, just like in your everyday life. Movement is a really good way of starting the process of letting go, like sweat it out, exercise, walk, dance. Move your body in a physical way that can help to process through any of these emotions that you feel might be coming up because of what has happened in your past. Maybe start to journal some things out on paper. And you can start with prompts like, today I am letting go of, or today I am inviting in the idea of letting go of. You can try some breath work. Box breathing is one of my favorites, and I think it's a really good one to start with because it's really easy. So you can try that. You can try playing more, like literally being silly. Dancing, singing, laughing, juggling is one of my favorites. I taught myself how to juggle because it's just such a fun way to like let go, to just be silly. So try some ways of being silly in ways that you typically aren't. I think this is a very underrated way to regulate your nervous system and move through energy that may help you to let things go. And then, of course, somatic practices. I think always has the ability to bring you back to the present moment and really show up with compassion in what's happening in your body and being able to see, okay, where can I let go of things in the past that are holding me back? Now, you don't need to do all of those things. Pick one or two, pick some of the steps that I gave you earlier in this podcast. We're not going to force letting go. Just start to create space where your body feels safe, safe enough to release a little bit at a time. I want you to remember that letting go doesn't mean you're forgetting. You're not like you don't have to pretend like it didn't hurt or things didn't happen to you or you didn't experience things in the past. You are not the woman who stayed too long. You are not the woman who can't make decisions. You are not the woman who doesn't know who she is. You are learning to trust yourself. You are learning to understand yourself again. You are the woman who is being brave enough to make decisions to move into a life that you are choosing. You are becoming the woman who is authentic to herself. Okay. So let's start using some of those reframes and those definitions and do our best to let go of the past ones that have kept us stuck. All right, my friends, you've got this. I truly believe that you deserve any kind of life that you want. And it can happen one compassionate thought, release, letting go at a time. Thank you so much for being here. As always, I love you. I truly believe that you are amazing, and you deserve to have the life that you want. I will be back next week. Hi, friend. I'm so glad you're here, and thanks for listening. I wanted to let you know that if you're wanting more, a way to make deeper, more lasting change, then working one-on-one with me as your coach may be exactly what you need. Together, we'll take everything you're learning in the podcast and implement it in your life with weekly coaching, real life practice, and practical guidance. To learn more about how to work with me one-on-one, go to Karin Nelson Coaching.com. That's www.k-ar-in-n, n-l-s-o-n coaching.com. Thanks for listening. If this podcast agreed with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating wherever you listen to podcasts. And for more details about how I can help you live an even better life than when you were married, make sure and check out the full show notes by clicking the link in the description.

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Karin Nelson

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