Becoming You Again

Stop Caring What Others Think After Divorce

• Karin Nelson • Episode 239

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Divorce can make it feel like your whole life is on display and everyone is talking about it. I walk you through why this judgment feels so hurtful and how it mirrors beliefs you already have about yourself. 

From the “good girl” script, you know be agreeable, keep the marriage at all costs, never ask for too much, to the social myths around single motherhood, we carry with us the hidden rules that fuel shame and people pleasing. 

I’ll teach you a simple five-minute exercise to surface the stories you fear others think about you, compare them to your own self-talk, and find the overlap that reveals where the healing begins. 

Expect clear, actionable tools, warm encouragement, and a reminder that when you stop outsourcing your worth, decisions get clearer, relationships get more honest, and your energy returns to what matters most.
 
If this resonated, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs it, and leave a quick rating and review so more women can find these tools. 

To download your FREE GUIDE: "7-Day Self Trust Reset" click here.

To schedule your complimentary consult with Karin click here.

If this podcast resonated with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating wherever you listen to podcasts.

Karin Nelson:

This is Becoming You Again, episode number 239, and I am your host, Karin Nelson. Welcome to Becoming You Again, the podcast where you learn to step into your power as a woman in this world, where you learn to reconnect to your wholeness, your integrity, and bring into alignment your brain, your body, and your intuition after divorce. This is the podcast where you learn to trust yourself again and move forward toward a life that you truly want. You are listening to Becoming You Again, and I am your host, Karin Nelson. Welcome back to the podcast, my lovely ladies. I am so happy that you're here today. What has been going on? I wanted to do a quick rundown of some of the books that I have been reading. I'm in a book club, and so we kind of do our book club season from like the beginning of the school year because most of the women who are in my book club are elementary school teachers. And so we had our first meeting the end of the summer for this year. And we just kind of, we've never done this before, but this year we decided we were just going to pick all of the books that we're reading this whole year in advance. So we know everybody knows like which book is coming, which month, and you know, all of that. And so we've had a couple since this season has started so far. And I have so far loved every book that we've read, which has not been the case in previous years. Um there have been some books that none of us have really liked, which is interesting, right? That's okay. It's okay to not like a book. Uh, but so far this year, all of our books that we've read have been great. And I wanted to share them with you just in case you're looking for a book that you want to read. So let me get out my list real quick, because I can't always remember uh titles, and I definitely have a hard time remembering the authors. So I will give you both in case that you're looking for a good book that you want to read. So far, these have all been fiction, although I will give you one that I read on my own that was incredible. And I think every woman, especially if you're a white woman, you need to read this book. Uh, okay, so here we go. The Very Secret Society of Irregular Witches by Sangu Mandana, Mandana. I probably said that wrong. Um, this one was so cute. We read it for October, which is the month we're in right now, and it was really cute, really entertaining, really great message about I'm I've talked about this on the podcast, but this really great message of being kind over being nice. And this was just kind of like a secondary message. There's more to like the main theme of the book, but I really picked up on that because I do teach you gals the importance of being kind over being nice and the difference between the two, because there is a really big difference. And so if you're looking for like another way of looking at that idea, this is a great book to show you that. Okay, one of the other books we read was The House in the Cerulean Sea by TJ Clune. It was so cute. It's more of like a young adult fiction, but if you have kids who are like maybe early teen, maybe even just teen, this would be a great one to read with them. The message is amazing. It's so clear about like it's okay to be different and to still have like unconditional love for the people in our lives, even with their differences. It's a really great book. This is what I love about fiction. Some people are like, I just don't read fiction. I only read nonfiction because you can't really learn anything from fiction. And I disagree. I really think that I love nonfiction books. Do not get me wrong. I love nonfiction. I think they're incredible, and you can learn so much from history, from people's perspectives, the way they've lived and grown and their experiences. I think that's all amazing. However, I also think that so much can be learned from a fictionalized story and seeing things from a different perspective that you wouldn't get any other way. I think that's very, very important. And I love that you can get that from fiction. I mean, what are movies, right? What are television shows? It's the exact same idea. We're just learning in a different way. You can do this with books as well. Um, so check out those two books. The one we're reading for the next month is called The Names by Florence Knapp. I have just barely started this book. I'm not very far into it, but so far I'm really enjoying it. So that's another one that you can check out. But the book that I want that I really wanted to talk to you about that I thought was um really important, especially if you're a white woman in this society, White Women, Everything You Already Know About Your Own Racism and How to Do Better. And this is by Regina Jackson and Syra Rao. If you're a white woman raised in Western culture, I really think this is an important book to read, to see things from another perspective that we will never have, and to just kind of question our own thoughts and how we're showing up in this world. Okay, so I'm gonna get off my soapbox of all of the books that I think everybody should be reading. And uh if you have your own books that you've been reading, I love a good book recommendation. So do not hesitate to find me on TikTok or on Instagram at Karen Nelson Coaching. Come message me. Tell me what you're reading. Tell me if you've read any of these recommendations that I just gave you, if you've loved them, if you've liked them, if you've hated them. I want to know. I want to hear it all. Okay, let's jump into today's podcast episode where I am talking about how to stop caring what other people think. I have done a podcast episode on this before. It's been a while. Uh, so I thought it was maybe an here's another chance to give you a few more tools that you can use when you find yourself really caring about what all the other people are thinking about you. Because here's the thing divorce has a way of pulling back the curtain of every insecurity that we it seems like that we have ever had about ourselves and about our lives and about the way we're living and about our choices, right? When you go through a divorce, it suddenly seems like everybody has an opinion about you and what you're doing and what you're choosing to do and how you're living your life. Maybe your family, maybe you're feeling it from your family or your friends or your ex or even just like random people on the internet or in the neighborhood or at your church. And when we are vulnerable, which we feel very vulnerable when we're going through a divorce, more so than maybe other times, when we feel more confident or more strong in our lives, or more strong in our district or more grounded in our decisions, when we feel more vulnerable, those opinions of other people that we often take as truth, which I think is the problem, right? We take their opinions as truth in our lives. It feels really crushing. And then we start to question oh my gosh, what am I doing wrong? How could I make this choice? How could I do this? Or whatever you might be feeling, right? And so today's episode is about that. This is something that my clients all deal with and is something that I have worked with every single one of my clients on in terms of what are these other people possibly thinking about me and how can I let go of that? Because learning how to stop caring about what other people think can be huge. It can be very powerful to learn to let go of that. It doesn't mean that you just stop caring. It doesn't mean that you like become this cold, heartless human. It's really just about learning to reclaim your power and taking power over your energy and the ability to define for yourself your worth and your value, and recognizing that that actually just comes from you and not from anyone outside of you. So I'm gonna walk you through this process of recognizing what's happening, the thoughts that you're having that other people might be having, the thoughts that you're having about yourself, and then learning to choose for yourself to redefine whatever that looks like. That's how you start to loosen your grip on letting other people's opinions of you affect you so much. So I'm gonna walk you through the process of how to do this. It's actually much easier than you might be thinking, and you can get started on this right now with this podcast episode. Okay. So here's the truth about why we care so much. When we worry about what others think of us, it's usually, typically just a reflection of our own thoughts and beliefs and judgments about ourselves. It's like looking in a mirror of what you actually are thinking about yourself, typically, right? I'll give you a couple of examples of where it might not be, right? But of what you're actually thinking about yourself deep down, and then you're thinking they must be thinking that about me, right? Okay, so for example, if you're terrified that your ex is like, she is such a bad mom, it's usually because somewhere deep down inside, you've already been thinking, maybe I'm not good enough, maybe I'm not a good enough mom. Or if you avoid telling people that you're divorced because you're afraid they're gonna think she failed, she didn't try hard enough, or whatever, chances are there's a part of you that already believes that that divorce equals failure equals you didn't try hard enough. And this is what makes it hurt so much is that other people's words or those imagined thoughts that we have of other people, they wouldn't hurt if we didn't find some truth or belief about what those words were that we already carried. So here's a couple of questions that I want you to think about and write down, okay? What are the top three things that you worry people think about you since you got divorced? Write them down. Don't judge, just write it down. What are the top three things that you think other people are thinking about you since you got divorced? Because here's the thing most of us women growing up in Western society grew up with this idea of being a good girl, and that these are the rules that we have to follow to be considered good women, good girls, women who are socially and societally acceptable. We have to be agreeable, we don't make waves, we keep the marriage together at all costs, we put our needs last, and everyone else's comfort and needs come first, and we make sure everybody is comfortable and we never try to make them feel uncomfortable. We don't speak up, we aren't too loud, we don't take up too much space. And here's the thing about divorce divorce is a really, really good catalyst that helps us start seeing and questioning all of that conditioning if we're open to it. Because all of a sudden, you're not following the correct societal script. We are judged as selfish. We are judged as breaking up the family. We are deemed a pariah in the dating world because you are a single mother. And so when you find yourself going through a divorce, whether you chose it or it was thrust upon you, either way, you're not following the script of we got to keep the family together. A family is a mom, dad, and kids. And that's what a good family or a perfect family or the right kind of family looks like. And so you're not following that script. And so then your brain starts telling you, uh-oh, the world is watching and they're judging me in some way. They're they're deciding in some way that I'm not good enough. But here's the truth that I really want you to hear and know. Most people aren't thinking about you as much as you think they are, as much as you believe they are. But even if they are, even if they come right to your face and tell you the thing that you are worried people are thinking about you, their opinions don't get to determine your worth and your definition of your life. They're just their opinions. There's always going to be people out there who don't like the taste of peaches. It doesn't mean that you should, if you're a peach, you should stop being a peach. Right? It's just the way it is. So here's how to identify what you think other people think about you. So I want you to go back to those three examples that you wrote down, okay? The three things that you wrote down that you worry other people are thinking about you after the divorce. And I want you to look at them. Maybe you wrote down something like, well, my mom thinks that I'm selfish for leaving, or my friends think that I gave up too easily, or the people at my church think I should have just tried harder, think I should have just sucked it up and stayed in the marriage, even if it was miserable. I want you to pause and notice. Like, I don't know what you wrote down, but look at those three things you wrote down and just notice. Those are not facts. They are your thoughts. Okay. Now you might have written down something that somebody has said to your face. That's fine. But it wouldn't matter to you if you didn't also believe there was some truth to it, right? Okay. So these are your thoughts about what other people might be thinking of you. Typically, we don't actually know what's going on in other people's minds unless they say it to us. And at that point, again, it won't matter to you what they think unless you are also thinking the same thing and you are also believing the same thing, right? Okay, so now we're gonna just like get everything that's in your head out on a piece of paper. So I want you to set a timer, try to do it for five minutes if you can, and just write out every single thought that you imagine other people are thinking about your divorce. Don't judge it. Don't decide it's good enough, it's not good enough, or it's I don't want to be thinking that, so I'm not gonna write it down. No, we're not doing that. We're just gonna write it all down, okay? Get it all out on paper. Now I want you to write down your thoughts about yourself. Like maybe you wrote down, I failed, or I broke up the family, or I ruined my kids' lives, or I'll never be loved again, or I'll never have the opportunity to have a partner again. And then I want you to start to see the overlap between what you think other people think of you and what you think of you. Okay. So what are the similarities that you notice between what you believe other people are thinking of you and the thoughts about yourself and what you already believe about yourself? And I want you to see what those similarities are because that's where the aha moments are gonna come. That is where you're gonna see, okay, I when I tell myself I'm worried about what my ex might be thinking, I'm actually thinking that about me. Or when I tell myself I'm worried about what my family is thinking, I've actually thought that about myself, right? There's gonna be overlaps of your own insecurities. That's what we want to identify because that's what we want to work on. We can't change their opinions, we can't change their minds. We can try, but typically we can't. But we can change our thoughts. We can work on our own insecurities. And that is great news because then we don't have to change the rest of the world, right? We just have to change where we're coming from and our own beliefs about ourselves. That is totally doable. That is totally, you're totally capable of doing that. So here's where it comes to practice. You're gonna choose a new thought. Once you identify the thoughts of like, I ruined my kids' lives, or I'm a bad mom, or I'm a terrible mom, or I'm not good at this, or I can't be loved ever again. Like once you identify what those thoughts are, right? We want to work on changing our new thoughts. And if you go back to one of my previous episodes recently, I can't remember if it was last week or the week before, the thought ladder, that's where these kind of meld together. Because what we're gonna do is we want to find a new thought that feels a little bit better, but we're not leaping to from I'm a failure, I'm a terrible mom, to I'm a perfect, amazing mother. That's a hard leap. That's a very far leap for most of us. We're not trying to do that. Okay. We're not trying for toxic positivity here. No fakeness. What we want to do is a believable step up that thought ladder. Okay. So maybe we're going from I'm a bad, terrible mom, to I'm learning to show up for my kids in a new way. Or everybody thinks that I failed and didn't try hard enough to divorce. It doesn't define my entire life. Or I'll never be loved to it's possible that love can look different next time. Or other women after divorce have found love. It's possible I can too. Right? We're not going for like, now I'm going to be in love tomorrow. We're just doing one step up that ladder. So pick a thought that feels a little bit better, decide what it is, and then practice. Practice, practice, practice, practice. And then when you are scrolling through social media or you go to church, and then you come home and you're like, I was feeling completely judged. I want you to just remind yourself of this thought. It can be a really good, just go-to neutral thought. Other people's opinions are not facts about my life. Doesn't that feel like just so much better? Even just that, than beating yourself up over what you're thinking everybody else is judging you about. Yeah. Other people's opinions are not facts about my life. You could just start right there, and that's gonna make you feel so much better when you start believing that other people's opinions matter in your life because they really don't. And I want you to remember, this is really about repetition. The more you practice a new thought, the easier it becomes to quiet all of that noise of everybody else's judgments. And there is freedom on the other side of this. I promise you that. Once you learn to stop caring so much about what other people think, you start making decisions from your own values rather than from fear or from guilt. You start to become confident and modeling resilience to yourself, your future self, but also to your kids. And they're gonna start seeing that. You start feeling more in charge of your energy and your purpose and why you're here. And you start to let go of people pleasing, of needing to show up a certain way around certain people to make them like you. And you start opening up space for real connection, real connection to yourself, which is number one important, but connection to your kids, connection to the other relationships in your family, because you are no longer trying to perform to get them to like you. You're just showing up as you, which truly creates true connection, right? As an example, I had a client who we were coaching one time, and she said, I actually haven't been to a family dinner for months because I have a really hard time being judged by my brother for my divorce. He said it to my face, but also I can just feel it like he judges me. And I know he thinks that I didn't try hard enough in my marriage. And so we coached on this. And what she realized was that it wasn't really about what her brother was thinking. There was an underlying thought about judging herself and her believing that that meant she had failed and that she truly didn't believe that she had tried hard enough in her marriage. So we came up with some new thoughts. And one of the ones that she decided to practice was I'm allowed to define success differently for my life. And so she started practicing that. And she went to a family dinner and she found that it was so much easier to be at that dinner because not because her brother changed his mind, but because she changed how she viewed herself and the opinion that she had of herself and her reasons for divorcing. And that changed everything for her. So I want you to know there is freedom on the other side of learning to stop caring what other people think of you. So do this practice that I've given you. Ask yourself those questions, do that brain dump. Find the similarities of what other people might be thinking of you, of what you're afraid they might be thinking of you, of what they've told you they might be thinking of you, and what you truly think of yourself. Find those similarities and then find a thought that is a little bit better than what you're thinking now. Other people's opinions about you, they are not facts. They are not your truth. And truly, only your voice matters in this area. You are the one that gets to decide. I am worthy, I am enough, I am valuable exactly as I am. And uh and you get to choose who you're becoming. Nobody else gets to decide that for you. You do not have to be perfect. Never, ever, ever are we shooting for perfection because it's not possible, it's not attainable. And who cares? Right? You're the only one that cares if you're if you've reached this perfection, this unattainable perfection. So let's let go of that. Let's let go of that being the goal. Just practice, try, allow yourself to fail. It's okay. It's truly all okay. All right, my friends. You are allowed to stop caring what other people think of you and to work on fostering the only opinion that matters, and that is your opinion of you. I love you. I hope this is helpful for you. You are amazing. I will be back next week. Hi, friend. I'm so glad you're here and thanks for listening. I wanted to let you know that if you're wanting more, a way to make deeper, more lasting change, then working one-on-one with me as your coach may be exactly what you need. Together, we'll take everything you're learning in the podcast and implement it in your life with weekly coaching, real life practice, and practical guidance. To learn more about how to work with me one-on-one, go to Karin Nelson Coaching.com. That's www.karin, N-E-L-S-O-N coaching.com. Thanks for listening. If this podcast agreed with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating wherever you listen to podcasts. And for more details about how I can help you live an even better life than when you were married, make sure and check out the full show notes by clicking the link in the description.

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Karin Nelson

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