Becoming You Again

Freedom From Comparison After Divorce

• Karin Nelson • Episode 238

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The comparison spiral gets louder after divorce, and it can feel like your body is sounding an alarm you can’t switch off. I talk about why your brain compares in the first place, how that survival tool gets misapplied to emotional pain, and what to do when your nervous system treats a hard feeling as a life-or-death threat. Using clear examples from everyday life and social media, I’ll unpack the cultural scripts that tell you a “real family” looks one way and success only counts if it fits a narrow mold.
 
You’ll learn a simple, repeatable practice to reclaim your peace. You’ll hear how facts are neutral, stories add emotional overwhelm, and the body calms when you return to what is actually true. I also talk about the myth of perfection, how memory glamorizes the past, and why redefining family, happiness, and stability on your own terms helps you let go of shame.
 
If your feed is full of highlight reels and your mind keeps whispering you’re behind, you’ll leave with grounded tools to stop the spiral and a gentler way to relate to your thoughts. Think of it as a nervous system reboot for post-divorce healing: less panic, more clarity, and a kinder voice inside your head. Ready to step out of comparison and into your own definition of enough? Press play, subscribe for weekly support, and share this with a friend who needs some calm today. And if you want personal guidance, grab a free next step session from the link in the description.

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Karin Nelson:

You are listening to Becoming You Again. This is the podcast where I help you with your mental and emotional well-being during and after divorce. Here you're going to learn how to overcome the grief and trauma of your divorce by reconnecting with yourself, creating lasting emotional resilience, and living a life that's even better than when you were married. I'm your host, Karin Nelson, and this is episode number 238. Welcome to Becoming You Again, the podcast where you learn to step into your power as a woman in this world, where you learn to reconnect to your wholeness, your integrity, and bring into alignment your brain, your body, and your intuition after divorce. This is the podcast where you learn to trust yourself again and move forward toward a life that you truly want. You are listening to Becoming You Again, and I am your host, Karin Nelson. Welcome back to the podcast, my lovely, lovely ladies. As always, I'm so, so happy that you're here. Every time I get to sit down and record for you, I am so grateful that I get to connect with you, that I get to guide you through this chapter of your life as you go through your divorce, as you learn to reconnect with yourself, as you learn to create a foundation that is full of roots, roots that grow to reconnecting to you, to reconnecting to your most important relationships, to reconnecting to your community and creating a base that feels strong and powerful where you're at right now in your life. And that is a beautiful thing. So I'm so happy to be here. Today I'm going to be talking about comparison. This is something that we all do, and it feels real crappy when we do it. And so I'm going to be teaching you some tools to help you when you notice that you are falling into this trap of comparison, because it seems to happen a lot more than just usual everyday comparison occurrences when we're going through a divorce. Because everything feels different and actually might be different in a lot of ways, like the way my family looks, the place I'm living, who's actually in my like group of people now, what my finances look like. Like everything kind of feels different, right? And so when we are feeling kind of low and heavy, we tend to, our brain tends to take those comparisons and go, there's something wrong with the way my life looks now, because it doesn't look the way it used to, and it doesn't look like all these other people. And so I must be doing it wrong. And that seems to be really prevalent during the divorce process. So I'm going to teach you some tools so that you don't have to be feeling that heaviness all the time and you can recognize it for what it is. Okay. But first I want to start with this. Comparison is, in my opinion, not something that you're ever going to completely get rid of. And that's not a bad thing. And here's why. Because comparison is actually a very natural and helpful, useful function of our brain when it works in the right way. We just don't always use it in the right way. And we use it like against ourselves a lot of the time. But like it's part of the way that our mind is wired for survival. Comparison helps us know that the stove is hot and dangerous to touch, right? Like if you if your stove has been on, you put your hand over it, and your hand and brain are comparing, like, okay, is this hot or cold? Oh, it's hot. I don't want to touch that. Right? Like, comparison is very, very useful to our survival. So comparison is a great function of our brain, and we don't actually want it to completely go away. The difficulty comes when our brain is moving from the things that are actually survival-based to things that are emotional. And our brain and body are taking that as, oh no, now my survival is threatened, when it's actually just like it doesn't feel very good. And so our survival isn't actually threatened. But because our brain and body don't know the difference between like actual danger and emotional danger, it just takes it all as danger. And then it's like, oh no, my survival is threatened. No, it's not. So if you like, as you're going through your divorce, if you're like, oh no, my family looks different now because that's just a mom and the kids at home, or my kids aren't with me half the time. And it doesn't look like that family over there, I'm comparing to them, they've got a mom and a dad and two kids, and I must be doing something wrong. That feels bad. Oh no, that must mean death. No, it doesn't actually mean death. It just means you're feeling something bad. And all you have to do is just feel the emotions or change the way you're thinking about it. Or both, right? So that's what we're going to talk about today. Okay. So I just wanted you to understand, first off, comparison isn't all bad. Some of it's actually good and is actually good for you to help you stay alive. But the comparison that I'm talking about today, no. That's just like our brain and body overreacting and taking emotional pain and equating that to like actual life survival. They're not the same thing. Okay. So let me give you some examples of where the comparison might be showing up for you as you go through your divorce. This is not a complete list. I'm sure there are lots of other things that you are comparing to in your life. I'm sure there's lots of other things that I compared to in my life and that maybe I still do. So don't take this as like the complete list, okay? Just take it as an idea to help you see where it might be showing up, and then you might be able to recognize it more in your own life. Okay. So it can show up in these specific ways and others that I'm not going to mention. You look at your family now. So maybe as I just kind of exemplified, it's you and it's your kids. And then you compare it to the families that still look quote unquote quote unquote whole, you know, like mom, dad, kids. Because that's what we've been taught in society means family. Mom, dad, kids. Okay. So you might be comparing it to that. Or you might be scrolling on social media as we do, and you see a woman's video, and she just looks happy and confident, and maybe she's remarried or she's married. And then suddenly you're questioning, I don't feel like that. I don't feel happy. I don't feel confident. I must not be enough. And that must be why I got divorced, or why nobody has chosen me again, or whatever your brain is telling you, right? Okay, that's another way that we compare ourselves. Or you might be comparing yourself to who you were in the marriage, who you were before divorce, and then compare that version of you to the version of you now, the one that feels sad a lot, the one that feels lonely a lot. And the thing is, is that this is what our brain will do. Our brain will like hide things from our past or not bring them to the forefront, not necessarily hide them, but not bringing them to the forefront and will only show us like the proof that things were better off back then. Even though if you really stop and think about it, were they? Were they? Were you really happy all the time? Were you really not feeling lonely in your marriage? Like, did you really not feel like a single mom a lot of the times? Like, just really don't let your brain tell you these lies because that's what it likes to do. So, but this is what we do, right? We compare to what we were in our marriage, that version of you, and we're like, oh, that was I was so much better, I was smarter, I was more confident, I was blah, blah, blah, whatever. It may not be true. So I just want you to be aware, okay? And the thing is, because of our cultural conditioning, our social conditioning, and because of what we were told growing up, what a real family looks like, we've been told these stories that we carry for years. And we start believing them. Like, this is what a family like. Think of literally any sitcom growing up. What did a family look like? Or any movie growing up. What does the family look like? What does it look like? What does it mean to have a great life? What does it mean to have like this perfect idea of what life should be, what success is, what happiness is? And we start to believe that. And then when our life doesn't meet that ideal, we start to compare and go, their life is better, mine is worse. I have failed, they are successful. They are doing it right, I'm doing it wrong. There must be something wrong with me. And it's in those stories that the comparison becomes very heavy and very painful and really doesn't work to our advantage. Right. So here's what's happening when we believe those stories, when we buy into those stories, our nervous system is reacting as if we are in danger, as if that survival mechanism is truly triggered and we truly might die. We truly are in danger. That's what our body and brain are believing. You're ready for divorce, but you have no idea what comes next. You've made the hardest decision. You know you're ready to end your marriage, but now the fear kicks in. What if you make the wrong choices? How do you handle the emotional weight you're carrying around? If you're asking questions like these and you're not sure what the next best steps are for you, don't worry, I've got you. You don't have to figure it out all alone. The right support helps you make decisions that protect your future and get you unstuck. I offer a free next step session where you come and talk about what you're going through, the emotions that you're feeling, the grief you're dealing with, and the decisions that you are having trouble making. We'll talk more about what your next steps can look like moving toward a future that you want. And we'll talk about what it could look like to continue to work together. Now, don't get me wrong, this call isn't about knowing what to put in your divorce decree or which lawyer to hire. But instead, it's about learning to make decisions from your knowing and living your life from that place. And no matter what you decide by the end of the call, you will feel heard, you will feel seen, you will feel understood, and you will have clarity on your next best step moving forward. You can schedule your free call by clicking the link in the description. However, if you go back to the beginning of this episode, you'll know, you'll remember, I told you we're not actually in danger, right? It's actually just a stress response that is kicking in. We feel anxious, we feel unworthy, we feel panicked. And then our nervous system is heightened. And we start to believe these ideas of like, I chose the wrong person to marry. There's something wrong with me. I made a giant mistake, and now my life is ruined forever. I ruined my kids' lives forever. This will affect them forever, and they'll never be normal. Right? Or I'm too old to start over. I'm never going to have the financial stability that I hoped for. Like we start to tell ourselves these stories, we believe them. And it feels really terrible because we're comparing what we've got now to what's out there or what we had or whatever. And then we feel heightened, we feel stressed out, we feel like our survival is truly threatened. But here's the truth, and I want you to hear this. In this moment, you are safe. In this moment, you are actually not threatened. Your survival is not threatened one bit. Nothing about your worth or your survival is at risk because of what your family looks like. Or because your friend is dating again and you're not. Your brain wants you to believe that's true. Society wants you to believe that true, that's true. I want you to know that is not true. Because that pain is coming from believing that story, not from the actual truth of what's going on in your life. So the goal isn't to just stop comparing. Because, again, that's impossible for us to do. And we don't want to do that. We want it to keep us safe in times where we actually truly are in danger. But the goal is to notice when you're in the comparison. And then I want you to ask this question. It's really simple. It's just a matter of remembering to ask it and pulling yourself out enough to notice, right? And then ask yourself, okay, what is actually true here? So let me give you an example. You see another family, maybe they're your neighbor or something, and you're like, her family is better than mine because she's still married. Okay, that's the story, and it feels really terrible, right? But what's actually true here? What are the facts here? The facts are her family has two parents and two kids. My family has one parent and two kids living at this house, right? Of course, you might have an ex and he lives somewhere else, right? But what are those facts? That's a fact. Okay. Both are neutral facts. Facts are neutral. They don't have like emotions attached to them. That's why they're facts. There's no emotion. It just is. It's like what you would say in a courtroom. I have a parent that lives in one house with two kids. I have two parents that live in one house with two kids. Those are the facts. Okay. They're neutral. One isn't better, one isn't worse until we layer on story. But when you learn to separate facts from story, that is when you release this trap of judgment that we fall into. And that is where peace and freedom lays. So I want you to step into the facts and the truth of the story. Okay. Separate them out. Because that's going to take away so much of that pain for you and get you to a place where you can feel neutral, which is going to help realign your nervous system, which is going to take you out of the pain, which is going to take you out of the belief that you're actually in danger. And that's the goal. That's what we want. So here's what I want you to start doing when you find yourself in this comparison. Okay. When you start recognizing and catching yourself comparing, you got to ask yourself, okay, what is the story that I'm telling myself? What's happening here? What are the actual facts? Keep it very simple. Separate the facts out. We don't want judgment words because those judgment words are the emotional part. And so we want to be aware of those. Okay. And then I want you to notice how does my body feel when I believe the story I've been believing? And how does it feel when I just return to the facts of this? How does it feel? Notice the difference because I promise you, one is going to feel heavy and terrible, and the other one is just going to feel a little bit better. It's going to feel maybe like relief. It's going to feel like a breath of fresh air. It's going to feel neutral even, which is definitely better than terrible. So if you need to write them down. Sometimes writing things down and seeing it on paper can be really helpful. If you can do it in your head, that's fine. Sometimes it takes a lot of practice to get to that place, not a problem. But this is what we do, right? We pause when we're in the comparison and we notice. That has to be the first step because without awareness, we have nothing. We are just living our life, going day to day, living in these stories that are creating so much unnecessary pain for us. And I'm not saying that you're doing it wrong. That is what we do as humans. But it doesn't mean we can't get better at noticing. It doesn't mean we can't become more aware. We can. We can learn how to. So just practice. Just practice. You may not be able to at first pull yourself out of the comparison in the middle of it. It might happen later in the day, and you'll go, oh, that's why I was feeling so crappy earlier. I see it now. I see what was happening in my brain. I was comparing myself to my neighbor. And I was just like totally believing that story. Okay, I see it. And you notice the comparison, right? May not happen in the middle. That's okay. May happen later in the day. And you go back and you're like, ah, okay. And then you name it and you're like, okay, my brain was comparison. My brain was comparing. Okay, that was pretty normal of me to do. Now what? What were the facts? What are the facts of this story that my brain was telling me? And then you go through the facts. And then we want to offer ourselves some compassion. Okay. So we can say something like, This is hard. And I am learning how to define what family means for myself. Or, yeah, okay, my nervous system was having a real reaction, but the belief isn't necessarily true. Okay, see how that is like offering you some kindness as you go through this thing that's really hard, but noticing, like, I'm learning how to get through this by supporting myself. And some of that support is gonna come through compassion. So step into that compassion and then practice. Practice building the muscle of being aware, telling yourself what story it is that you're seeing, noticing the facts, and then being compassionate with yourself. All of this stuff that I talk about on the podcast, it takes practice. Some of it's gonna work for you, some of it's gonna be easier than others, some of it's gonna feel really hard. That's okay. We can do hard things. We don't have to be perfect. Okay. There is no need to try to be perfect. As a society, and especially in this patriarchal white supremacist society, and I don't say that to be like white people are supreme. This is a society that has been built by white people to believe that white people are supreme. And to be able to pull ourselves out of that, we have to notice it. We have to see it. Okay. And we have to know that we as white people, we are not supreme. We are not better than everyone else. But we believe in this society that we have this need to be perfect. And I want you to know, you do not have to be perfect. I do not have to be perfect. It is unattainable, it is not real, and it is not something that you need to work for. So don't expect perfection of yourself. It's okay to not be perfect. It's okay to make mistakes, it's okay to mess up, it's okay to try again. It's okay to learn, to grow. These things are okay. You do not have to be perfect. And I want you to remember that and know that. So as you're practicing these tools that I'm teaching you, this tool of like noticing, pausing, naming the story, separating the facts, being compassionate with yourself. You're not gonna get it right every time. You're not gonna be perfect, and that's okay. That's okay. So practice, get better at building that muscle. Doesn't mean you're gonna be perfect, not a problem. I just want you to remember that so many of us were raised with this story that, like, family looks a certain way, and that's the right and only way to do it. And if it looks different than that, then there's something wrong with you. That is not true. That is not true. These stories are made up. They come from culture, they come from religion, they come from television shows, they come from fairy tales. They are not reality. Reality is what is actually happening in our day-to-day life. I want you to look at your neighborhood. I'm thinking about my neighborhood, and I live in a very white neighborhood, a very Mormon neighborhood. And I'm thinking about the people who live on my cul-de-sac, and it looks very different. Even just in this neighborhood, we have different ideas of what family looks like. And none of them are right or wrong. They just are. That is the reality. And that's okay. It can be joyful and beautiful exactly as it is for where you are. You just have to decide and know that that is your definition of it. When you get stuck in family is supposed to look a certain way, or I'm supposed to live my life in this way, or I'm supposed to be married, or I'm supposed to have a mom, dad, and kids, right? That's when we find ourselves comparing. That's when we feel terrible and heavy. And that those supposed to's are made up. They were handed to you on a platter and said, this is what it's supposed to look like, supposed to look like. And if you're not doing it that way, there's something wrong with you. No. No, no, no, no, no. That is not true. And I want you to do your best to dismantle that belief. You get to decide what family looks like. You get to decide what happiness looks like. You get to decide what success looks like. Don't take it from what everybody else has told you. Go watch the Barbie movie if you're questioning like what uh being held inside the box looks like and stepping out of the box and seeing and deciding for yourself what life should look like. That's a really great example of like being able to pull yourself out of what society tells you is okay and into deciding for yourself what is what is good and right for you. Okay. It's a great example. And in fact, that just reminded me, I really need to like rewatch because it's so great. Okay, so take a breath. We're gonna forgive ourselves for believing these stories in the first place. It's not a problem. Now that we're aware, we're just going to do our best to do better, to decide for ourselves, to look at the facts and let go of the comparison that's hurting us, that's creating emotional pain. Okay. So I'm just going to leave you with this analogy. This is one that I've talked about before, but I really, really love it. And I think it might be really useful to you if you step into this and you want to, if you want to adopt it as your own. It's this analogy of letting thoughts be like flocks of birds flying over your head. When you're stuck in comparison, it's almost like you're trying to shoot every bird out of the sky because you're like, I can't have that thought, and I can't have that thought, and not that thought, and that thought hurts. I don't want that one. And we just try and like get rid of all of them. And it's exhausting and it's impossible. We can't stop ourselves from thinking thoughts, right? They just come. But when we just allow the thoughts to fly overhead like a flock of birds, and we don't attach meaning or judgment to them, we just notice them for what they are. They're just thoughts. Oh, there's some comparison thoughts flying overhead. They're gonna pass. It's temporary. I don't have to attach to it. I don't have to give it meaning. I don't have to let it take me down this rabbit hole. I'm just gonna see it for what it is. Okay, there's some comparison thoughts. All right. I used to believe that. I don't necessarily have to believe it anymore. I'm just gonna let it pass. Those comparison thoughts are going to come. If we get sucked in, we can notice it, we can separate the facts, we can give ourselves some compassion, and we can also learn to just let them fly by like that flock of birds. They will come, they will pass overhead, you don't have to attach to them. All right, my friends, I hope you find that helpful. I hope you can find the neutrality and the facts in your story and pull your out and pull yourself out of the comparison that feels really terrible and really heavy. You've got this. I promise you, you are stronger than you think. You are more capable than you give yourself credit for. You are amazing. You are going to do great outside of your divorce. I promise you that. I love you. Thank you so much for being here. As always, I will be back next week. Hi, friend. I'm so glad you're here and thanks for listening. I wanted to let you know that if you're wanting more, a way to make deeper, more lasting change, then working one-on-one with me as your coach may be exactly what you need. Together, we'll take everything you're learning in the podcast and implement it in your life with weekly coaching, real life practice, and practical guidance. To learn more about how to work with me one-on-one, go to Karin Nelsoncoaching.com. That's www.k-a-r-i-n, n-e-l-s-o-n coaching.com. Thanks for listening. If this podcast agreed with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating wherever you listen to podcasts. And for more details about how I can help you live an even better life than when you were married, make sure and check out the full show notes by clicking the link in the description.

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Karin Nelson

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