Becoming You Again
Becoming You Again is the podcast for women who are going through divorce wanting help navigating grief, guilt, and the challenge of rediscovering who they are. Divorce Recovery Coach, Karin Nelson offers compassionate guidance, practical tools, and powerful mindset shifts to help you rebuild self-trust, reconnect with your intuition, and create emotional resilience. Each episode is a safe, supportive space that reminds you: divorce isn’t the end of your story; it’s the doorway to becoming the most authentic, confident version of yourself and creating the best of the rest of your life.
Becoming You Again
How Your Thoughts Shape Your Divorce Experience
What if the story running in your head after divorce isn’t the truth but a habit? In this episode I’m exploring how a single thought can change a feeling, reshape an action, and ultimately rewrite an outcome, then walk you through a simple, repeatable method to make that shift real – the thought ladder.
You’ll learn how to build believable rungs between where you are and where you want to be, especially around pretty common topics like co-parenting and how the divorce will affect your kids. I’ll give you some tangible examples of what a thought ladder can look like and then offer you a challenge to do on your own to start working on your own thought ladder so you can begin changing how you think about your divorce.
Read the New York Post article here.
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You are listening to Becoming You Again, episode number 237, and I am your host, Karin Nelson. Welcome to Becoming You Again, the podcast where you learn to step into your power as a woman in this world, where you learn to reconnect to your wholeness, your integrity, and bring into alignment your brain, your body, and your intuition after divorce. This is the podcast where you learn to trust yourself again and move forward toward a life that you truly want. You are listening to Becoming You Again, and I am your host, Karin Nelson. Welcome back to the podcast, my lovely, lovely ladies. How is everything going? Things here are going pretty well. Just had some fun things happen. I was featured in a New York Post article that I will try and link in the bio if you'd like. It's about gray divorce and why more women in midlife are seeking divorce. It's a pretty interesting article, and I was very excited to be able to be featured in that article. So check it out if you'd like. But let's jump into today's podcast episode because I'm going to be talking about thoughts. I talk about this a lot in the podcast, as you may well know if you listen to previous episodes, if you are a return listener. But I think it's really, really important. And so I'm going to keep talking about it from here on out, forever, not every episode, but definitely it's an important thing that we understand how our thoughts shape our behavior, shape how we show up, even shape how we feel much of the time. And so I want you to understand how your thoughts shape your divorce experience. And I want you to understand that it is totally possible for you to change your thoughts if you don't want to think what you've been thinking. So we're going to dive deep into understanding how to do that step by step. I'm going to be talking about something today called Thought Ladder. This is not my idea. This is an idea that has been around for a while. It's called different things. Some people call it, you know, uh, I think in previous episodes I've called it stepping stones, kitten steps. There's so many different ways of thinking about it. This idea specifically was introduced to me by one of my mentors, Carl Loenthiel. And I don't even, I'm not even sure if she came up with this idea. I don't actually know who like formed the idea of this, the thought ladder, but it's just another way of describing how to change your thoughts step by step, so that you can begin shifting your inner dialogue so that you can create a life that you actually want after divorce. This is really powerful because the way you think about something truly does impact how you feel and then how you behave. And how you behave creates the outcomes that you have in your life. And if you want a different outcome, then you need to start thinking different thoughts, changing the story that is going on in your brain. Because most of the time, our thoughts are just running on autopilot and we don't check them and we don't manage them, and we just take everything that our brain spits at us as truth. And that would be totally great and fine if our brain did tell us everything that was truth, if our brain did tell us things that were kind and supportive and empowering. But our brain doesn't do that. Our brain doesn't like label thoughts as these are good ones and these are bad ones and these are empowering ones and these are supportive ones. It just gives you thoughts. What thoughts are subjective. You have to be the one to decide. So when it comes to divorce specifically, you might have thoughts that are like, I failed at my marriage, or this divorce is going to ruin my kids for life, or I'm never going to be able to find love again, or I just don't know if I'm strong enough to handle this on my own, or a myriad of other thoughts, right? And when those thoughts go unchecked, unmanaged, unquestioned, they create very specific feelings that drive your behaviors, feelings like shame, feelings like guilt, feelings like fear or anxiety or inadequacy. And here's what I really, really, really want you to understand. When we let those feelings be in the driver's seat of our lives, we create outcomes that we do not want. We act in ways that we wish we never would have or wish we could change. We let those negative emotions drive our actions. And then we create this life and we're like, why did I do that? Here's why. Because you let your thoughts go unchecked. And you weren't willing to put in the work to make the changes in your thought patterns to create better feelings, to create better, better behaviors, to create better outcomes in your life. Now, I'm not saying that this is going to change all of your circumstances, because it's not. Circumstances, situations happen to us all the time. Things that are out of our control happen to us all the time. Your divorce, the reason that you got divorced may not have been your choice. Someone may have said, I'm divorcing you, I'm leaving you. That was out of your control. However, the story that you tell yourself about why or what that means is within your control. That's what I want you to understand. And very often, sometimes we can change our circumstances and that changes our thoughts. Sometimes we can do that, but not always. A lot of the times we can't change our circumstances. If you have an ex who was like, I'm leaving you, you can't just be like, no, we're gonna stay married forever. I don't care if you're gonna try and divorce me. That's trying to change the circumstance. Do you see what I'm saying? That's trying to change the circumstance. Sometimes we can't do that. Sometimes we're we just can't change the circumstance. And but we can, and we always have the opportunity to change how we're thinking about it, to change how we feel, to change how we show up. Okay. That's what I want you to understand. So there's a thought, feeling, action cycle, all right? Something happens, right? That's the circumstance, that's the situation, and then your brain has a thought about it. Your brain has meaning that it gives it. There's a story behind it about why this happened. And then that story will very often create a feeling. Just like I've described. And then those feelings create our reactions, create how we respond, create how we behave. They create what we do or don't do. And then those behaviors, those actions, what we do or don't do, those decisions create the outcome in our life. Create where we're at. So let me give you an example. Let's say you have the situation. And the situation is you're scrolling through Instagram and you see a picture of your ex and he's with someone new. And your thought is, wow, that was fast. I must not have mattered at all. And then you feel rejected, and then you feel sad, and you feel worthless. And then you scroll obsessively. You compare yourself to this other woman and how much better she is, and how much how terrible you must be. And maybe you text your friend and you're like, I'm the worst. I can't believe he's doing this to me. This feels terrible. And then you stay in your home and you're crying and you kind of shut yourself off from the world. You feel terrible. And then the outcome that you create by continuing to spin in that story, close yourself off, isolate, reinforces that you don't matter, reinforces that you are isolated and rejected from the world because you are rejecting even yourself. You're robbing yourself of energy and momentum and movement and putting yourself out into the world and believing that you matter. Now I want to use that same example, but I want to use it from the perspective of somebody who has different thoughts, who thinks about it differently, who has managed their thoughts in this same situation to create a different outcome. Okay. So remember, we're scroll, we're scrolling through Instagram, and the situation is I see a picture of my ex with someone new. And instead of thinking, wow, that was fast. I must not have mattered at all. My thought is, yeah, of course he moved on quickly. That is how he copes. This doesn't mean anything about me. And that might create a feeling of like curiosity or relief or understanding. And what the actions might be with those feelings are, okay, now what? And then go on with your day. Or going back to work or going in the kitchen and making dinner and not giving it another thought. And the outcome that you create is you don't spiral. You're not thinking about it. It's not like taking up brain power. It's not taking up your energy. You're just able to go about your day. You don't have to close yourself off from the world. You don't have to drain your emotional energy. You don't have to like think about it and spin in it and cry the rest of your day in your bed or text your friends and be like, this, I can't believe this, or believe that you're the worst. None of those things. It doesn't change your day and what you're able to accomplish because it's not even creating any sucked-in energy. The outcome is you just continue on with your day, you continue on with your life, moving in the direction that you want to move in. The same circumstance, the same situation, two totally different outcomes. The difference is how you think about it. And I want you to know that this is not just about thinking positively. This is not toxic positivity. This is not just going, I'm fine, I'm strong, I'm amazing, everything's fine, nothing bad here has happened. That's not what we're doing here. We're not like trying to pretend our way into managing our thoughts. What we want to do is we want to move to thoughts that are believable, that feel a tiny bit better. We're not going from I'm amazing, I'm a terrible human and nobody will love me, to I'm amazing, I'm the most lovable person out there. That just may not be believable to you. What we want to do is we want to create this thought ladder that helps you move from the current pain that you're in to a little bit more supportive one, to a little bit more supportive thought, a little less painful thought, a little bit easier to believe thought that just doesn't feel as bad as the one you're thinking now. And then after you step into that one and believe that one for a little bit, then you can move on to the next ladder rung, and then the next ladder rung, and then the next ladder rung until you're all the way across the canyon of belief that you were at before to the thought that you truly want to get to, which seems so far away right now, but it truly is possible. And the way to do it is through this thought ladder. So what is the thought ladder? You have the current thought. So we'll just stick with this idea of like, I can't believe that he has already moved on so fast. I must have meant nothing, right? That feels terrible. That feels so bad to believe that you meant nothing to someone that you feel completely rejected, right? So you have that current thought and it feels really bad. And the thought that you want to get to is I am worthy. I am enough. Or something along those lines. But you're not there yet, right? You're not just gonna be able to go from I must not have mattered at all, to I am worthy. But if you could get there, that would feel pretty good to be able to believe that. You're just not there yet. And so what we want to do is we want to move to a more neutral or less painful thought, and then another one, and then another one, and then another one, until you get to the place where you believe and see and think I'm worthy exactly as I am. Okay. So let me give you another example, and this is a really, really common thought that so many women who are going through divorce have. And that that thought, and it does not feel good. And that thought is I've ruined my kids' lives by getting a divorce. That thought, that thought feels so shitty and terrible, and like you are the worst human alive because you truly believe that you've ruined your kids' lives by getting a divorce. Now, the goal thought might be my kids were okay and maybe even stronger because of the divorce. That thought could feel really amazing, but do you believe that right now? Probably not. I know for so many of my clients, it takes a long time to get to that place where they truly believe that. It took me a while to get to that place where I believed, you know what, my kids are doing great. And I truly believe they are stronger because of the divorce. Yeah, okay. But you may not be there yet, and that's okay. That's what this thought ladder is for, right? So we want to build that ladder. And so we want to start with like less painful thoughts. And that might look something like lots of kids who have divorced parents turn out just fine. And what I really like about that thought in particular is it takes you and your situation out of the conversation. Because right now, what we're working on is believing that you and your situation and the choices that you've made aren't the worst ever, but we can't get there yet. But sometimes it's easier to start by believing that it's possible for other people to be in that space. And then you can step into that belief. So we start with looking outside of us. Okay, I know there are kids of divorced parents who turn out just fine. I can see that, I can believe that. So we start there. That's like the first step on the ladder. Okay. Then after we work on that belief and we continue to, you know, step into that belief and remind ourselves of that belief and say that belief to us over and over and over again, and it feels true, and it feels better than the old belief of my I've ruined my kids' lives. Then we move on to the next step, which might be something like some kids even thrive because their parents are happier apart. Okay. Do I believe that? Yeah. Does it feel better than the one I was just thinking? Yeah, it feels a little bit better. Okay, so I'm going to step into that one. Hmm. Some kids, they they even thrive because their parents are happier apart. Isn't that interesting? I'm going to start thinking that and I'm going to start reminding myself of that. And I'm going to start believing that when my brain wants to throw these other thoughts at me, like I've ruined my kids' lives. Yeah, okay, maybe, but also some kids thrive because it's clear their parents are happier apart. So that's another thought step. That's another step on the thought ladder, right? Okay, next one. We've believed that one. We got it. We we feel really good and like in our belief of that thought, next step in the thought ladder. It might look something like it's possible that my kids will have opportunities because of this divorce that they wouldn't have had otherwise. That might be possible. It's possible that my kids are learning things that they wouldn't have otherwise learned in their life that are creating better opportunities, better strength, better outcomes for them because of the divorce. That's possible. That does feel a little bit better. That does feel more believable. I'm gonna practice that thought now. And so I'm gonna practice it and I'm gonna place it around my house and I'm gonna put reminders on my phone and I'm gonna write it down and I'm gonna say it over and over until that really feels believable and true. That's another step on the thought ladder. And then maybe the next step might be Yeah, I am learning to believe that my kids are thriving in this divorce. I'm learning to believe that. And that feels like doable. That feels like I can step into that belief. And then I remind myself of it and I say it all the time. And I when my brain wants to throw, but I've ruined my kids' lives. No, you know what? I'm actually learning to believe that my kids can still thrive. I'm learning to believe this. I'm stepping into it. Yeah, I I want to believe that. And I'm learning how to do that. Okay. Like, see how these steps don't sound like toxic positivity? They don't sound like those weird motivational posters of like the cat hanging on the just hang in there. Like, right? They don't they don't seem like that. They're more neutral, they feel a tiny bit better than the one before, but believable. And so we just step our way up the thought ladder until we get to that place of my kids are okay. And I believe they're even stronger because of the divorce. We just step our way to it. I don't know how long it's gonna take you to get there. I don't know how long it's gonna take for you to make your way through these believable thoughts. But that's okay. This isn't a race. We don't have to like get there overnight. That's the whole point of the thought ladder is to take steps slowly but surely to get there. It didn't, I didn't go overnight from I'm getting a divorce and this is hard for me and my kids, and I may have ruined their lives to, yeah, my kids are doing great. And I truly believe that my kids are stronger because of this divorce. That didn't happen for me overnight. I've been divorced eight years now, right? It's taken time to get to that place, and that's not a problem. We don't have to make it a problem that we're not to our goal believable thought overnight. It's not a problem. So we want to just gently guide our brain to a slightly more believable, slightly more supportive thought. Because neutral thoughts are powerful. They truly, truly are. Because what it does is it takes us from the pain level that we initially started at, which was maybe like, let's say on a pain scale of like one to 10. Maybe that, and 10 is like the worst. It feels really, really bad, right? Maybe you were like an eight on that pain scale every time you think I've ruined my kids' lives. And that feels so bad. It feels shameful and full of guilt and full of terrible feelings. And then the one step below that, which is, you know what, lots of kids' parents get divorced and they turn out just fine. Okay, that feels not quite at a one, which is where I want to be, but it definitely doesn't feel like an eight. I I think it's like a seven. Yeah, okay. So there are there are kids out there whose parents get divorced, and those kids turn out just fine. I can just I can breathe a little bit better. It feels a little bit lighter. Doesn't feel like a one, but it doesn't feel like an eight either. I can handle a seven for a little bit. I'm just gonna just gonna try and believe that, right? That's what the neutrality or the lessening of the pain feels like. And that's what we're shooting for. We're shooting for like a 2% difference, not a 100% difference. Okay. So that is the goal with this thought ladder is to lessen the pain, but keep the belief until we can get down to the goal that we want. All right. So here's how we change the thoughts, right? We come up with the thought, first of all. We have to understand, we have to be aware of what we're thinking. So that's number one, be aware. And then I want you to come up with a bunch of different thoughts. Like, what could be some different thoughts? Write down the thought that you're having right now that's causing all the pain. Then write down your goal thought of what you want to get to. Then write down a few in-between thoughts, like what I just laid out for you, okay, this feels a little bit better, and then that feels a little bit better, but I'm not there yet. And then that feels even better than this, but I'm not there that yet. And then that gets me to my goal thought, right? Write down a few more thoughts. Take it step by step. And then start with the lowest one that's just one step above where you're at. Write it down. Hang it up everywhere, put it on your phone, type it out every day, morning, noon, and night. Put it on your phone, set alarms that go off to remind you of your thought. When that thought, the thought of I've ruined my kids' lives, comes up, because you know it's gonna come up. Pull out your phone and go, hang on, what was the new thought I was trying to believe? Repeat it to yourself. Repeat it 10 times. Pair it with a routine in the morning when you brush your teeth. You're gonna repeat the thought that you're trying to believe, that you're trying to remind yourself of, that you're trying to go to. Repeat it like five times as you brush your teeth, or five, five times as you make your coffee, or five times as you eat your breakfast, or five times as you drive to work, or what whatever, right? You get to come up with however you remind yourself of it, but remind yourself of it. Repetition is key. What that is doing is it's creating new neural pathways for your brain to go to because your brain has a very strong pathway of what you already believe, which is I've ruined my kids' lives by going, by choosing a divorce or by getting a divorce. That's already ingrained. We want to create a new pathway to this new thought. And the way to do that is to redirect your brain, redirect your brain to the new thought over and over and over as often as possible. Record yourself on your phone, on your voice memo, saying this and play it back to yourself throughout the day if you have to. Whatever you need to do to remind yourself of the new thought, that's how we get there. Okay? Repetition is everything in this case. And that is what's creating that new neural pathway to believing the new thought, to remembering the new thought, to replacing the old thought. Okay. I don't want you to judge yourself for your current thought. It is just what you believe right now. Doesn't mean you're bad, doesn't mean you're terrible, doesn't mean you're a terrible human being for thinking that. No. We all have thoughts that we wish we didn't have. Here's how we change it. We don't have to beat ourselves up or shame ourselves for it, okay? That just keeps you stuck, that keeps you from wanting to move forward, that keeps you from believing yourself worthy of moving forward. We're just gonna remind ourselves of the new thought. And don't expect it to change overnight. Don't expect yourself to never think of the other thought ever again. You still will, and it's not a problem. We don't have to make it a problem. We just go, yeah, that's the thought that I really believe, and I am working on believing something new. That's all we have to do. That's all we have to do is to just practice, give ourselves grace, don't expect perfection, and keep trying. That's it. Okay? All right, my friends. I hope that this is helpful. Come to me if you have questions. Come follow me on TikTok or Instagram and message me if you have questions. I'd love to help you through this. And if you really want some one-on-one help, I'd be happy to jump on a consult call with you. I'd can love to work with you if that's what you're looking for. Come work with me one-on-one, and we will do thought ladders all day long in our sessions. Come up with new thoughts to think, ways to redirect, something that feels better, more believable, that is better than what you're thinking now, that feels better than what you're thinking now. All right, my friends, that's what I have for you today. I hope you find this helpful. I love you. You are amazing. You've got this. I will be back next week. Hi, friend. I'm so glad you're here and thanks for listening. I wanted to let you know that if you're wanting more, a way to make deeper, more lasting change, then working one-on-one with me as your coach may be exactly what you need. Together, we'll take everything you're learning in the podcast and implement it in your life with weekly coaching, real life practice, and practical guidance. To learn more about how to work with me one-on-one, go to Karin Nelsoncoaching.com. That's www.k-ar-in-n. N-E-L-S-O-N coaching.com. Thanks for listening. If this podcast agreed with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating wherever you listen to podcasts. And for more details about how I can help you live an even better life than when you were married, make sure and check out the full show notes by clicking the link in the description.
