Becoming You Again

Moving Through Loneliness After Divorce

• Karin Nelson • Episode 234

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Feeling lonely after divorce can seem overwhelming and endless, but what if your loneliness isn't actually about being alone? In this deeply personal episode, I unpack the true nature of loneliness and why it feels so heavy when we're navigating life after divorce.
 
The truth might surprise you: loneliness isn't caused by the absence of people. You can be physically alone without feeling lonely, and conversely, feel profoundly lonely while surrounded by family or even while married. What creates that hollow feeling in your chest isn't your circumstances; it's your thoughts about those circumstances. The stories we tell ourselves about what it means to be divorced, single, or alone can transform a quiet evening into a painful experience of isolation.
 
When loneliness strikes, our instinct is often to resist it or find ways to escape it. We might rush into dating, rearrange custody schedules, or isolate ourselves further because we believe something must be wrong with us. But what if there's another way? I'll walk you through a step-by-step process for sitting with loneliness, understanding its physical sensations, and learning to move through it rather than around it.
 
The most powerful realization? The antidote to loneliness isn't being with others; it's connection, beginning with yourself. When you build a compassionate relationship with yourself first, you transform how you relate to everyone else in your life. Your emotional wellbeing no longer depends on others' availability or choices.
 
This episode offers practical strategies for creating self-connection, recognizing thought patterns that intensify loneliness, and finding kinder alternatives that feel true and supportive. You'll walk away with tools to make loneliness feel less overwhelming and more manageable as you continue becoming you again.

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Karin Nelson:

You're listening to Becoming you Again, episode number 234, and I am your host, karin Nelson. I'm glad you're here. Welcome to Becoming you Again, the podcast where you learn to step into your power as a woman in this world, where you learn to reconnect to your wholeness, your integrity, and bring into alignment your brain, your body and your intuition after divorce. This is the podcast where you learn to trust yourself again and move forward toward a life that you truly want. You are listening to Becoming you Again, and I am your host, karin Nelson. Welcome back to the podcast, my lovely, lovely ladies, as always, so, so happy that you're here.

Karin Nelson:

As you know, I'm a divorce coach and today I'm going to be talking a little bit more about loneliness. It's been a little while since I've done a podcast episode on loneliness and I know that this topic, this feeling, this pretty prevalent when we go through a divorce. Right, if you are in the middle of your divorce, if you are living post-divorce, you've probably felt loneliness in your life. Maybe even you felt it while you were married and had a partner that was in the home most of the time with you, right? So my goal with this podcast episode is to hopefully have you listen to the episode and when you're done listening, feel lighter, feel a little bit more clear and in charge of your emotional life, especially when it comes to loneliness. When we get stuck in this feeling of loneliness, we can often feel helpless, overwhelmed, hopeless even, because the loneliness can feel so heavy and so hard. And I don't want you to feel that way. I want you to know that you actually do have power. Even in moments when you're feeling some intense negative emotion, you still have power over yourself and the intensity in which you feel these emotions. So I'm going to talk about loneliness. I'm going to break down what it is, why it can feel so heavy and how you can move through it without making it mean that there's something wrong with you, because I think we do that sometimes.

Karin Nelson:

I think when we feel intense negative emotion, we will kind of isolate ourselves and be like I must be the only person who's feeling this, or nobody else seems to be feeling this. Everybody else seems to be doing great. I must be the only one who's going through this and so there must be something wrong with me. And I just want you to know that that's not true. There is nothing wrong with you when you feel negative emotion. Nothing has gone wrong when you feel negative emotion, and the more we can normalize that and validate ourselves through negative emotion, the less intense it has to feel.

Karin Nelson:

When we feel it Doesn't mean you're not going to feel negative emotion or you're going to be able to, like get to a place where you never feel negative emotion. That isn't even the goal. The goal is to just not let it feel so terrible and like our life is basically over when we feel it, or we're the only ones feeling it. We just want to be able to sit with it and allow it and not make it mean we're the worst, there's something wrong with us. So here's why loneliness can feel so heavy.

Karin Nelson:

And I first want to kind of differentiate between being alone, like physically alone, like right now in my home. I'm physically the only person in my home, the only person in my home, so I am alone, right, and that is different from feeling lonely or feeling the emotion of loneliness. They are not the same thing. You can be alone, driving solo, eating dinner out for one, without feeling lonely, and you can feel lonely while sharing a bed with a partner, while having your kids in the home, in the same room as you, in the car with you, while sharing a calendar with someone who you co-parent with, having the same last name, as other people that are related to you, you can still feel loneliness, because loneliness is not the absence of people, right, it is the presence of certain thoughts that create an emotion. That is what loneliness is. Loneliness is a feeling and it happens in in your body and it is generated by sentences that are happening in your brain that many of us grew up with.

Karin Nelson:

I would say probably if you grew up in Western civilization, you grew up with this story that being in a partnership, being chosen to be a wife, is better than being single, like full stop. That is a story that we have been told. There's a story that if you have a full house, that equals a full heart. So if you are a childless woman who has cats, there must be you must be living a terrible life. That's my cat right there, and we disagree with that story. Number one I love that. He just like meowed on cue and now he's over there scratching on his scratch post.

Karin Nelson:

But these stories, they shape the meaning that we give our circumstances right, if we've been raised to believe that being a spinster. By the way, a spinster back in the day actually just meant a woman who, like, made her own money because she wove cloth. It is now taken on the connotation that there's something wrong with you because you are single and never married and old, apparently, or something Like. We grow up with these stories and we take them to mean there's something wrong with us. I haven't been chosen, I'm not married anymore, I've gone through a divorce, I'm all alone. Now I have to feel lonely because I have to believe that there's something wrong with me. And then my brain is going to equate with that danger, danger, danger. Something has gone wrong here. So instead of thinking something like, well, I'm in a quiet house tonight, the brain might spin it into something like it must mean I'm unlovable because I'll always be alone.

Karin Nelson:

Now that I'm a 50-year-old divorcee, the more we believe those meanings, the heavier the loneliness feels. And I do want to point out something that I mentioned earlier. Many women feel lonely inside their marriages. I know I did very, very often you can sleep next to a person. You can still feel unseen, unheard and untouched, not even physically right, but emotionally. So if your brain is telling you that the divorce caused your loneliness.

Karin Nelson:

I want you to get curious about that, because that might not be true and chances are you've been feeling lonely even before the divorce happened. It's been happening for quite a while. Just now, it seems like it's louder because there's less noise in your immediate surroundings. Maybe your kids aren't there as often anymore, right, which typically happens in a divorce if you have young kids or even teenagers living at home. But because there's less noise like actual noise, because the presence of people is less we take that to mean I've never felt this lonely before, when, in actuality, I do want you to question that, because what if that's not true? What if you have been feeling loneliness before your divorce? You just weren't aware of it. So take a look at that, okay. So here's what I want you to say Like loneliness, it's a feeling, but it is not like a life sentence.

Karin Nelson:

There is truly nothing wrong with feeling loneliness. It's the same idea that I teach my clients and I want to teach that. I've taught you even on this podcast of like. There's nothing wrong with feeling anger, right. It's the same idea that I teach my clients and I want to teach that. I've taught you even on this podcast of like there's nothing wrong with feeling anger, right? It's not a life sentence to feel negative emotions. It's okay. They're going to come up, they happen, it's not a problem. And the more we can normalize and understand that, the less intense those negative emotions feel in our lives. So I want you to remember this Loneliness is a feeling.

Karin Nelson:

Feelings are created by thoughts, not always. Sometimes they are created by our body, by what's happening in our body, what's stored in our body, the trauma that maybe we have gone through over time. Right, loneliness could be that for you. But I want you to think about it in terms of like I'm thinking these things of like now I'm all alone, nobody loves me, nobody will love me, I'll be destitute and old and my kids don't love me. Like, whatever that story is that you're telling yourself. That brings that feeling of loneliness that is coming from your brain. Your brain is telling you a story and you are believing it.

Karin Nelson:

Loneliness because it's created by thoughts. It's not a permanent state of being, it's not a diagnosis, it's not a personality flaw, it's none of those things. It's just a feeling, it's an emotion, right? Because if loneliness is predominantly created by the way you think, that means that you have a lot of control over how intensely you're going to feel it or if you continue to feel it as often as you are feeling it right now. Right. It doesn't mean that you have to rearrange your custody so that you can have your kids more often. It doesn't mean that you have to like, contort yourself to be a different person so that people will accept you. It doesn't mean that you have to get on dating sites right away and find a new partner to fill this hole or this void that you're feeling. It doesn't mean that when your kids are with you, you have to keep them home and they can't go out with their friends, because what would you do if you had to be home alone and feel this loneliness? Right, you can choose to cultivate relationships because you want them. That's amazing and beautiful. But your emotional life does not have to wait for other people's availability so that you can feel better, so that you can stop feeling lonely, and that's good news I want you to know. That's really good news for you, because that puts you back in charge of your own emotional life. It doesn't have to rely on everybody else around you what their plans are, what they're doing, if they have time for you, right, what they're doing if they have time for you, right? That feels pretty powerful to not have to be reliant on everybody else's life to make you feel better. That just means that you get to learn how to create that for yourself, and that is amazing.

Karin Nelson:

You're ready for divorce, but you have no idea what comes next. You've made the hardest decision, you know you're ready to end your marriage, but now the fear kicks in. What if you make the wrong choices? How do you handle the emotional weight you're carrying around? If you're asking questions like these and you're not sure what the next best steps are for you, don't worry, I've got you. You don't have to figure it out all alone. The right support helps you make decisions that protect your future and get you unstuck.

Karin Nelson:

I offer a free next step session where you come and talk about what you're going through, the emotions that you're feeling, the grief you're dealing with and the decisions that you are having trouble making. We'll talk more about what your next steps can look like, moving toward the emotions that you're feeling, the grief you're dealing with and the decisions that you are having trouble making. We'll talk more about what your next steps can look like moving toward a future that you want, and we'll talk about what it could look like to continue to work together. Now don't get me wrong. This call isn't about knowing what to put in your divorce decree or which lawyer to hire, but instead it's about learning to make decisions from your knowing and living your life from that place. And no matter what you decide, by the end of the call you will feel heard, you will feel seen, you will feel understood and you will have clarity on your next best step moving forward. You can schedule your free call by clicking the link in the description.

Karin Nelson:

So here's what I want you to understand about emotions, because emotions are just. They are sensations and vibrations that are happening in our body. They are created by chemicals in our brain that are released in response to thoughts or response to something that is happening in our body, whether it's like a nervous system activation, right. Whether it's like a nervous system activation, right. So you might think a sentence like everybody else has someone and I'm here all alone and your brain sends out this signal and it sends like the chemical and vibrational reaction in our body, and maybe we feel heaviness in our chest and we feel hollowness in our belly and maybe we feel like this weird tingling in our arms or behind our eyes and we label that collection of sensations as lonely. This is what it feels like when I am feeling lonely. Feels like when I am feeling lonely. Now, this is important because knowing this matters, because it takes like the intensity out of the story. We can notice the sensations, we can name the emotion that we're feeling, we can sit with it and breathe through it and allow it to dissipate, and breathe through it and allow it to dissipate.

Karin Nelson:

What magnifies and makes stronger that loneliness is when we have a thought like everybody else has someone, and then we spin with that thought and then we find all of the other evidence that supports that thought. Like yeah, evidence that supports that thought. Like, yeah, my partner cheated on me, which means there was something wrong with me. I must have done something wrong. I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't good enough, I wasn't lovely enough. They didn't think about me enough, and because they didn't like me, probably nobody else will, so I'll probably be alone forever. I'm definitely not lovable. I wasn't loved by my husband, so why would somebody else love me? My kids never want to spend time with me, that's pretty clear. So why would they want to? Why would anybody else want to spend time with me? And we just like pile on more evidence and more story and more proof that our loneliness is going to last forever and it's going to feel terrible, like this always, and we spin in it and then that doesn't feel good.

Karin Nelson:

So we resist feeling that. But that resistance keeps us stuck in it. It does the opposite of what we want, which is we want that feeling to dissipate. Right, the way to make it dissipate is to stay with it, to allow it to recognize the sensations and the vibrations that are happening in our body. That's how we get the feeling to dissipate. That's how we go through the tunnel of the emotion to get to the other side. There's no getting around it, and the harder we try to resist it and run away from it, the longer it sticks around and the worse it feels and the more intense it is.

Karin Nelson:

So if we want to think about loneliness as this feeling, the antidote to that is connection. It's not like company or being around other people, because, as I've already explained, we can have other people in the house, other people in our car, we can be in the grocery store, walking around lots and lots of other people, and we can still feel lonely. So it's not just like company or being around other people, it's what we're thinking. And then the antidote to that is actual connection. And I think it's really important to understand that. That connection it can come from you, first, right Connection to yourself, and then connection to other people, rooted from that place of I'm connected to me and now I can connect with you as well.

Karin Nelson:

Because when you build a strong relationship with yourself that is kind, that is loving, that is open, that is trusting, that gives yourself permission to do what you want and believe in yourself and listen to your opinions and all of those things, you carry that connection into your other relationships and it stops being like what can I extract from these people to help me feel better, and it turns into something like what can I generate and what can I share with these people? Because I already feel very connected to me and now I want to connect with them. So how do I share that connection Right? So the first thing that I want you to do is I want you to learn how to step into acceptance or validation of where you're at. So when you start to feel lonely. I want you to recognize it and just like accept that's where you're at.

Karin Nelson:

Like, okay, I am feeling lonely right now. I'm feeling lonely. Okay, I'm not saying you have to like it. I'm not saying that you have to love being in this place of feeling loneliness. No, we just want to be where we're at and stop telling us we shouldn't be here, we shouldn't feel this. It's too hard, it's too scary. We're just going to accept where we're at. I'm feeling lonely right now. That is going to take us out of the mind spin of the story, spin of going down the rabbit hole and just being present with it. It's not about pretending that you're fine. It's about acknowledging. This is what I'm feeling right now, in this moment.

Karin Nelson:

So these are some sentences that I have taught my clients, that I've used on myself, that you can use Take what works for you, change it if it doesn't quite work, but make it fit you. I'm feeling lonely right now. This is lonely, and you know what. I know how to feel my feelings. So I'm just going to sit with this loneliness or nothing has gone wrong when I feel negative emotion. Nothing has gone wrong as I'm feeling loneliness in my body. These sensations and vibrations are moving around. I can feel them. Nothing has gone wrong, or even just more neutral than that. I am feeling loneliness right now and I'm going to be kind to myself.

Karin Nelson:

While it's here, while it's with me, then the next thing that I want you to do is I want you to get into your body. Get out of the story, please, like turn the movie off that is playing in your head of how terrible it is to be in your life right now and how amazing it is for everyone else out there. Get out of that story. It is not helping you and it's not true. So get out of that story. Get out of your head and get into your body. Okay, where do you feel those sensations and vibrations? Is it in your chest? Is it in your throat? In your stomach? There's my kitty again. Is it hot, is it cold? Does it move? Does it get bigger? Does it get smaller? Does it stay in one place? Does it kind of expand? Describe it.

Karin Nelson:

Describe where you feel the loneliness, where it shows up in your body, and just sit with it. Do that as often as you can and I promise you it will dissipate, it will feel less intense, it will get easier to recognize and sit with it. Now, if you can only do it for 10 seconds and then you go back into the story in your head, that's okay. When you recognize you're back in your head, in the story, pull yourself out again and go. Okay, I see it, I'm feeling lonely. There's that story again. I'm going to get into my body and we just keep trying trying to get better. We're not shooting for perfection, we're just trying to do better. It's okay.

Karin Nelson:

And then I want you to start working on creating connection with yourself, so you can ask yourself these questions how can I connect with myself today in a way that feels supportive? What would that look like for you? What is one small thing that would help me feel even just like 2% more cared for? What would that look like? Now, again, we're not asking other people to do this for us. We're asking ourselves what are these things? What could make me feel more supported, more cared for? What thought would be kinder and more true than I'm all alone? What thought would that look like? Like? Maybe it could be something like I'm choosing connect with me and I am worthy of my own company.

Karin Nelson:

I love that thought, personally, that one might not resonate with you, and that's okay. You don't have to use that thought Personally. That one might not resonate with you, and that's okay. You don't have to use harder. I promise you you can find a thought that will work for you. It doesn't have to be one I give you, but I promise you you will find one. Okay, you could say something like I am working on learning to care for me. I am working on learning to connect with me. I am working on healing from feeling really intense emotions. Those are all very neutral and very human and very true.

Karin Nelson:

Now, when I say healing, I don't mean like I've healed this and now I will never feel negative emotion again. That's not what I mean by healing right. Healing just means like growth and evolution of an understanding of who you were before to where you are now, because we're always going to have things that are challenging for us as human beings. We're always going to be making mistakes. We're never going to reach some pinnacle of I've made it, I'm perfect, I never have problems, I never feel negative emotion, everything is beautiful and perfect in my life at all times. That is not a thing, and if someone is telling you that it is. I don't think they understand how humanity works. It's not doesn't mean you don't shoot for better or less pain, or less understanding or less evolution. It just means that, like that's not the goal. The goal is to just keep evolving into a different version of ourselves, hopefully a better version of ourselves, one that does have more understanding, more capacity of growth and learning and feeling and allowance and validation and expansion.

Karin Nelson:

So work on these thoughts, work on sitting with the emotion, work on connecting with yourself. So I'm going to give you, before we close, I'm going to give you just a couple of thoughts that seem to be pretty prevalent, that I see in my clients and that I have also had as well. And I just want you to think about when these thoughts, if these thoughts come up for you, when they come up, and how you can give you a kinder alternative that you may want to like respond to your brain instead to kind of shift that narrative and get out of that story. So the first one is this one's really common I'll always be alone. Now that I'm divorced, I'll always be alone, right?

Karin Nelson:

A kinder alternative might be I'm learning how to be with myself in quiet moments, or I don't know the future, but right now, I know how to take care of me in this moment. The next one that seems pretty common is no one wants me, and a kinder alternative might be I'm wanted here by me, or I'm learning to want to be with my own company. The next one that seems pretty prevalent is I shouldn't feel this way, or I don't want to feel this way, and a kinder alternative might be, of course, I feel lonely sometimes. I'm human, or I can feel this, and I can still take action while I'm feeling this. And then the last one that I want to point out is I need to get back into dating, because that's the only way I'm not going to feel lonely anymore, and a kinder alternative might be a relationship could be a sweet addition to my life, but that connection has to start with me, or I'm learning that I don't need to outsource my emotional life.

Karin Nelson:

All right, my friends, I hope this is helpful. When it comes to loneliness, understanding it, lessening the intensity and really learning to connect with you first, because that's where the growth is going to happen for you. I love you. I hope this is helpful. You can do this. You are incredibly amazing and you are more capable than you give yourself credit for. That is what I have for you today. Thank you so much for being here, as always. I love you. I will talk to you next week. Take everything you're learning in the podcast and implement it in your life, with weekly coaching, real life practice and practical guidance. To learn more about how to work with me one-on-one, go to KarinNelsonCoachingcom. That's W-W-W dot K-A-R-I-N-N-E-L-S-O-N. Coachingcom. Thanks for listening. If this podcast agreed with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating wherever you listen to podcasts and for more details about how I can help you live an even better life than when you were married. Make sure and check out the full show notes by clicking the link in the description.

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Karin Nelson

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