Becoming You Again

The Power of Living in the Gray: Escaping Black and White Thinking After Divorce

• Karin Nelson • Episode 231

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Have you ever caught yourself thinking, "I guess this is just how my life is now," or "There's nothing I can do to make this better"? That's the trap of black and white thinking or all-or-nothing thinking. This is a mental habit that convinces us we have no control over our life, especially during divorce.
 
In this episode, I dive deep into how black-and-white thinking keeps us feeling powerless and stuck in patterns that no longer serve us. When we believe there are only two options, usually the extreme end of the spectrum, our brains literally stop searching for solutions. We become convinced that our situation is fixed, immovable, and beyond choice of any kind. But that's a lie we tell ourselves, and I'm here to help you see through it.
 
The truth is that very few things in life are purely good or purely bad, all or nothing. By learning to recognize this habitual way of thinking we can begin to challenge these limiting beliefs. The real magic happens when we step out of these extremes and into what I call "the gray"; not a place of indecision or uncertainty, but a place of possibility, nuance, and choice.
 
Drawing from my own experience of breaking free from all-or-nothing thinking about marriage and divorce, I share practical strategies to help you recognize these patterns, challenge your thought processes, and gradually reclaim your sense of agency. Even a small 2% shift toward more flexible thinking creates movement that can transform your entire perspective on life after divorce.
 
Ready to break free from black-and-white thinking and start living in the gray to discover the choices that have been there all along? Listen now to learn how to live in the gray, make decisions from a place of empowerment rather than fear, and create a more expansive story for your life moving forward after divorce.

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Karin Nelson:

This is Becoming you Again, the podcast helping you heal from your divorce and deal with the mental and emotional challenges you face so you can get on living the best of the rest of your life. I am your host, karin Nelson, and you are listening to episode number 231. Welcome to Becoming you Again, the podcast where you learn to step into your power as a woman in this world, where you learn to reconnect to your wholeness, your integrity, and bring into alignment your brain, your body and your intuition after divorce. This is the podcast where you learn to trust yourself again and move forward toward a life that you truly want. You are listening to Becoming you Again, and I am your host, karin Nelson. Welcome back to the podcast. My lovely, lovely ladies, you know what I'm going to say. As always, I'm so happy that you're here, because I am, I am always so happy that you're here learning, healing, growing, doing the work, putting in the work on you, choosing you because you're important, you're valuable, you're amazing, you're worthy, and so today I'm going to talk a little bit more about all or nothing thinking and really learning how to step away from that.

Karin Nelson:

I'm going to go into more depth, but it truly is a topic that I think resonates with, just on a basic human level, basically everyone. But when you're going through a divorce, all or nothing thinking, black and white thinking it really just takes over so much of the stories that we tell ourselves and it sucks because it makes us feel like we have no control over anything that is happening in our lives and that feels terrible. We feel powerless, we feel like we have no choice, we feel like there's nothing we can do to make our life or our situation better. And I am here to tell you that is a lie that you're telling yourself and I don't want you to feel that way. I want you to see where you have agency and power and choice in your life so that you can start to make choices that work for you, that serve you and propel you to move forward toward the life that you actually truly want to be living. So we're going to talk about it today. So this all or nothing thinking, like I said, maybe you've heard it called black and white thinking, maybe you've heard it called right or wrong thinking, or good versus bad or whatever. There's lots of different versions of what it could be, but it's a mental habit, basically, where everything has to be one way or the other. Those are the two choices, and that's it. This actually reminds me of this scene in Happy Gilmore.

Karin Nelson:

Ok, you guys, you have to know this about me there's certain things that I just absolutely love that you already know. There's certain things you guys already know Cats. I love cats. Taylor Swift she's my fave, she's the best.

Karin Nelson:

There's something else, somebody else, that I absolutely love, and I don't even know if I've ever talked about him on this podcast, but I love Adam Sandler so freaking much. I don't care what movie it is that he's in, I love it. It's already immediately my favorite. I don't even have to see it to know that I'm going to love it. I just think he is so funny and maybe that's like the I don't know 12-year-old girl in me from middle school or something, but I love his movies.

Karin Nelson:

I just think he's so funny and one of my favorites is Happy Gilmore, and it reminds me of the scene in Happy Gilmore when he's talking to Chubbs and he's like I'm stupid, you're smart, I was wrong, you were right, you're the best, I'm the worst, you're very good looking. I am not attractive. I can't even say it without like not laughing because it's just so funny to me when anybody in my life, like my you know my kids or my partner, says something like it's really black and white thinking and it's not like a completely serious conversation that we're having, I will always pull out that quote I'm the worst, you're the best. Like it's just it's so funny to me. Okay, but that's like my little sidebar of silliness and letting you guys know me a little bit more. I love Adam Sandler, I love Happy Gilmore, but it's a really good example of that all or nothing thinking. Right, you're the best, I'm the worst. Like. We do this all the time. We do this.

Karin Nelson:

It's a very human thing to do, but again, that kind of thinking, it makes you feel really, really powerless. It convinces you that you don't have any options. Like you have no control over your life, that your circumstances, they are set in stone and the only thing that you can do, the only option you have, is to just sit back and endure it. And I really, really want to instill this in you. That is a lie. That is a lie that your brain is telling you. That is a lie that maybe even society is telling you. There's my kitty. He's saying, hi, this is Charlie, and so let's talk about it, because I want to get really truthful about why this kind of thinking keeps you feeling so stuck during your divorce.

Karin Nelson:

Because when you're stuck in all or nothing thinking, your brain does a really good job of filtering out all of the possibilities that actually exist for you. So, instead of noticing all of the ways that you could influence your situation or, like, make a choice that will have you doing something different, acting in a different way, going in a different direction, your mind just focuses on like one narrow story, and it usually sounds something like this just means I have no control, or I guess this is just how it is, there's nothing I can do about it. Like, do you feel the heaviness in those words? There is just no other possibility. When you have that story going on in your head and when you think this way, you're basically telling your brain brain, stop looking for solutions. I have already decided that they just don't exist. And so your brain is going to listen to you and it's going to stop looking for solutions and all it's going to keep doing is showing you the proof that you have already decided is the only option, and it's just going to keep showing you that proof over and over and over again, as that is the only way to see things. And then what happens? You feel helpless, you feel trapped, you stop trying and you just continue to repeat the same patterns over and over and over again.

Karin Nelson:

So what I want to teach you in this podcast episode is I want you to teach you to step out of the black and white thinking and step into gray, right? I want you to teach you to step out of the black and white thinking and step into gray, right? I want you to start living in the gray. And when I say gray, I don't mean boring, I don't mean wishy-washy, I don't mean like you don't trust your decisions, you don't trust yourself. That's not what I mean by gray. I mean it is the space in between those two extremes. Think about like a line, and on one end is you know all and on the other end is nothing, and then in between those two, on that line, on that spectrum, there's a whole bunch of space. That's the gray, that's in between the black and white thinking, right?

Karin Nelson:

So that's the space where I want you to live, because that is the space where possibility lives, that's where nuance lives. That is where your choices live, because the truth is there is almost nothing in life that is purely good or purely bad. There's almost nothing in life that is forever fixed. And when you start to see that, you will start to see possibility again. You will start to see that you actually have power in your situations that you find yourself in, including your divorce. So the first thing that we need to do is we need to see it, we need to become aware of it, we need to recognize that this is a habit that you do. That's always the first step. We have to know. If you don't notice that you're doing it or it's not pointed out to you, you can't change it right. We have to have awareness. That is always the first step. Change it right. We have to have awareness. That is always the first step.

Karin Nelson:

And I think that, like when I say that in this podcast or when I say that to my clients, it sounds simple, it sounds really easy, but it's actually it's kind of tricky to know, right, because these are thought patterns that have been very ingrained in you and in me and they feel like facts. These stories aren't just stories. They feel true to us. They feel like true facts that we just believe. It's not like our brain is saying okay, karen, I'm about to tell you something and it's not going to be helpful to you, it's going to keep you stuck and it's actually a limiting thought. There's other possibilities, but I'm not going to tell you those possibilities. Like our brain does not do that. Our brain just gives us thoughts and if we don't see the pattern of just questioning them or getting out of this all or nothing thinking, we will just take it as truth.

Karin Nelson:

But here's the good news. Here's the really, really good news when you start noticing it, you're going to get better at it. It's kind of like learning to spot typos or something Like when you're reading. At first you're not very good at it, you might miss them, but the more you practice, the better you get. You catch them, you get better at it. It's like anything right. It's like anything that we try. The first few times we're not very good at it. The more we do it, the better we get. Okay.

Karin Nelson:

So here's what I want you to start doing. I want you to start paying attention to the words that you use. I want you to start paying attention to the language that is coming up in the thoughts that are going through your head and I want you to look for specific words. These are extreme words like always, never, completely ruined, hopeless, pointless, anything like that. They're like very extreme. Anything like that. They're like very extreme. Those are like a flashing warning light saying look at me, look at me, I'm in all or nothing thinking. I'm in all or nothing thinking. They're like the red flags that you need to pay attention to. That's how you can start to know okay, maybe these aren't my only options. Maybe I can start to question if I have other options or possibilities or other ways of thinking about this. The next thing I want you to do is I want you to get support, because this is also a really great way to help you see what is going on, for you to see this habit that you're doing for yourself.

Karin Nelson:

If you're really stuck, it's totally okay to bring in someone else who can see things for what they are. Sometimes we are so deep into our story or into our own perspective that we cannot see beyond it. This is what I do when I coach my clients. I help my clients see this all the time. We talk about this all the time in different ways in whatever situation they might be having, right? So find a coach. If you are interested in working with me as a coach, you can click the link in the description. You can set up your free 30-minute consult. We'll talk about what it would look like to work more together. Or find a coach that resonates with you that's not me or go to a therapist, or talk to a really, really good friend that you trust.

Karin Nelson:

What you need is somebody who is going to challenge your thinking in a gentle way. We don't need somebody slapping us on the back and saying, hey, fuck you, stop thinking like that. That's not always useful, right, but we need somebody who is going to say listen, stop thinking like that. Like that's not always useful, right, but we need somebody who is going to say listen, this is what I'm seeing. What, if it's possible that that's not the only way to see this or that's not the only way to think about this? That's what you need. So now I'm going to give you a couple of like real life examples, okay, because I want you to start thinking about this and like directing it to your own life and situations that maybe are going on for you, things that have maybe happened to you so that you can start to see, already identify patterns that are going on in your life right now, that maybe you're like oh OK, that makes total sense. I've been doing that in this situation. Maybe I can think about it in a different way. Maybe I do have choices that I didn't notice before. Okay, so here are some really common things that happen for a lot of us.

Karin Nelson:

We very often believe that we can control someone else's behavior by the way that we act and we will say things like and this is subconscious, right Like maybe we don't actually say these things to ourselves, but we behave in this way, or we show up in a specific way. Right, maybe we do actually say this to ourselves. I don't know, you're going to have to, like be inquisitive of yourself and question yourself and your actions. Maybe you'll say something like well, if I do this, maybe they'll stop treating me this way. Or if I just don't say anything, maybe they won't throw it back in my face. That's how we try and control someone else's behavior by acting in a specific way. Or we do this with our kids a lot, right. We're like, if I just don't say no, maybe they won't hate me, or maybe they'll love me, or maybe they'll want to hang out with me more. Right In your head it might sound something like if my kids are mad at me, that could mean that I'm a bad mom.

Karin Nelson:

So I'm just going to like say yes all the time or let them do whatever they want or not, you know, have consequences or not really parent in the way that I want to parent because I want them to like me. I don't want them to avoid me. I don't want them to be mad at me. I don't want them to pull away and think that I'm a bad mom in some way. Or it could show up in like maybe believing that you're not good enough or you don't deserve love because your marriage ended or because you walked away or because you asked for it. Of worse, like you might be thinking something like well, I couldn't make that work or I just didn't try hard enough, so I must not be lovable, I must not be good enough in some way, like do you see the pattern? Do you see how there's just no alternative for any other belief? It's one way or the other, it's all or nothing. And so, turning it back to myself and giving my own example of this in my own life. I've talked about this before on the podcast but, like for a long time I really held on to some very all or nothing thinking in my own marriage, in my own life life, and so much of this came from my conditioning as being raised.

Karin Nelson:

A Mormon Marriage in the Mormon church is considered eternal. Again, I know I've talked about this. You can fast forward if you don't want to hear the story again, but like it's a really good example, in the Mormon church, marriage is for eternity. It's not just like you do the vows and it's till death do you part, like most of the world does. It is for eternity. Like after you die, you're still, that's still your partner.

Karin Nelson:

And so divorce, yes, it's not a thing Like, yes, people in the Mormon church they get divorced, but it is rare, it is unspoken. You're almost shamed for it, you're looked down upon. And if you were married in the temple, which is like the place where, if you're like living the principles of this church in the way that they want you to, you can go get married in special temples that you have to have like a special card to get into and you have to not everybody can go, like your kids. If you had, you know, if you had somebody in your family who had kids, they couldn't go to your marriage Like it's only for adults and it's only for, like special adults who are doing quote, unquote correct living or whatever. But if you got married in the temple, you're sealed together, sealed for like eternity. So even if you divorced on paper in your state and you didn't divorce like in the temple, in the church's eyes you're still tied to them forever.

Karin Nelson:

So I grew up believing that marriage was forever, no matter what. If you're unhappy, you work it out. If you're incompatible, who the fuck cares? If there's abuse, you better just shut up and make it work somehow, because we don't really care. Yeah, it's sad, it's terrible, but that is what it is. That is how I was raised, so I believed it wholeheartedly. Thankfully, I was able to leave the church and I know you guys know that I left like 15 years ago and I've been unwinding myself from so many of these beliefs.

Karin Nelson:

But when I got married, that was a huge belief and two to three years into my marriage, my husband came to me and he was literally like I don't think we should stay married, I don't. I'm not happy. I don't like this relationship. It's not where I want to be. And my response was like immediate, I didn't even take time to think about it, I didn't even take take time to question, to try and understand where he was coming from. None of that. My response was like well, divorce isn't an option and we're going to go talk to the bishop and we're going to figure this out and we're going to help get help on this and we are going to make it work. That was my response, like it was so black and white in my head this is the only option, and the only option is we stay together and divorce is not an option. Like that was it. And so we did for the next 17 years, and it wasn't until I had finally left the church.

Karin Nelson:

And then, years later, I actually started to question my own beliefs and I started to wonder like and I started to wonder like hmm, maybe forever isn't the only option. Maybe everybody's situation is different and maybe I am allowed to choose what I want to think about marriage and divorce and relationships and I don't just have to blindly accept what I've been told my whole life, blindly accept what my brain has been telling me and maybe I actually have some other choices here. So here's what I want you to see Letting go of all or nothing thinking in my marriage, that is what gave me so much freedom, freedom to make choices for myself. That was like the catalyst, the linchpin, that like opened up so much for me and my life. And I want you to see that and like it's not just divorce, right, that doesn't have to be the linchpin for you, that doesn't have to be the catalyst, but noticing it in other areas of your life, this black and white, all or nothing thinking, and recognizing that you do have power, you do have choice, you have other options, other ways of thinking about things, can open your world up in the way that mine was opened up, right, I was able to see in that moment that, like asking for a divorce, it didn't mean that I was bad.

Karin Nelson:

It didn't mean that I was the worst person. It didn't mean that I was going to ruin everything in my life or my kids' lives. It didn't mean that I was a failure. What it meant was that my relationship with my husband was complete and that I was allowed to move forward from it, and from that space I was able to. I have been able to open up my life to new experiences, new opportunities, a deeper relationship with myself than I have literally ever had before, and that, to me, me is worth everything is worth all of it, and this is just my own opinion. My ex isn't here to ask, but from what I have seen and experienced with him and the relationship that we have as friends what I have seen and experienced with him and the relationship that we have as friends, he has also flourished. He has become a more engaged dad. He has traveled and done so many cool things that I don't think that he would have been able to do if he was married to me. He has built a life that works for him. I have built a life that works for me. We have built a life that works for our kids.

Karin Nelson:

So here's a question that I want you to ask yourself. When you are kind of stuck and you feel like there's only one way to think about this, would someone else in my situation think about this, because maybe my way isn't the only way? And when you ask yourself this, I want you to step out of your own default thinking and I want you to open yourself up to other alternatives. So, for example, my ex always plays the victim. He is the worst. In that way, you might shift to something like okay, yeah, you know what, sometimes he plays the victim and sometimes he doesn't. If I'm going to be honest, sometimes he doesn't play that card. Right, is another way of thinking about it, which might, like, lessen the intensity of whatever is happening for you. Or if you're thinking something like this divorce is ruining my life. My life is ruined. There's no goodness that's going to come out of this, maybe we shift to listen. Sometimes my life is really hard and sometimes it's okay. Sometimes it's not as hard as I think.

Karin Nelson:

Like these tiny shifts, they matter, not as hard as I think. Like these tiny shifts, they matter, even if you only feel like 2%. Better, I've talked about this 2% shift. Right, that's good. 2% is better than nothing. 2% is better than staying stuck where you are, because 2% is movement for you. It is loosening the grip on the all or nothing thinking.

Karin Nelson:

And then I also want you to, after you've kind of given yourself a perspective shift, tried to come up with something else. I want you to recognize what's going on in your body, like that's always a really important part right. What is happening in your body? Check in. Do you feel tightness anywhere? What is happening in your chest, in your stomach, in your head? Do you feel a knot? Does it feel tight? Are there sensations that are cluing you in about your nervous system? Is your nervous system heightened? Are you in fight or flight? And if you are, if you're noticing that your nervous system is heightened, I want you to calm your body in the way where you do a grounding exercise, you do a somatic practice, something, and you remind yourself listen, in this moment I am safe, my survival is not threatened, because it's in that calmer place that we can see more options. When we can realign our nervous system, even if it's just, you know, a degree or two, we can bring our prefrontal cortex back online and help our brain see more options.

Karin Nelson:

When you're going through a divorce, it's really, really easy to believe that you're powerless and that everything is happening to you and there's nothing you can do about it. But that is again, it is not true. You have so much more agency than you think. You have so much more choice in things than you think, and even if that choice is only how you're going to think about something that is a choice that creates movement for you, and so, breaking free from this all or nothing thinking, that's how you start to see it. That's how you start to take your power back in situations where you feel really powerless. So, live in the gray. That's what I want you to do. I want you to start living in the gray, make decisions from that place Instead of fear, instead of feeling like you have no choice. That's going to create a bigger life for you. That is going to create a story that feels expansive and open, and you are going to feel powerful in your own life, and that is amazing. That is what I want for you, my friends. You are amazing, you have the power to move forward, and it starts by living in the gray. All right, my friends, I hope this was helpful for you. I'm so, so happy that you're here and that you keep coming back. You're amazing, you're lovely, You're beautiful and worthy. I love you. Thank you so much for being here. I will be back next week. Hi, friend, I'm so glad you're here and thanks for listening.

Karin Nelson:

I wanted to let you know that if you're wanting more, a way to make deeper, more lasting change, then working one-on-one with me as your coach may be exactly what you need. Together, we'll take everything you're learning in the podcast and implement it in your life, with weekly coaching, real life practice and practical guidance. To learn more about how to work with me one-on-one, go to KariinNelsonCoaching dot com. That's W-W-W dot. K-a-r-i-n-n-e-l-s-o-n coaching dot com. Thanks for listening. If this podcast agreed with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating. Wherever you listen to podcasts and for more details about how I can help you live an even better life than when you were married. Make sure and check out the full show notes by clicking the link in the description.

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Karin Nelson

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