Becoming You Again

Unhappily Ever After? The Exit Signs You're Ignoring

• Karin Nelson • Episode 230

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Are you constantly making excuses for your partner's behavior? Walking on eggshells in your own home? Pretending to be asleep when they come to bed? Your intuition might be trying to tell you something important about your marriage.
 
Society conditions us to believe marriage should last forever, that we must honor our vows "for better or worse." But what happens when that conditioning keeps us trapped in relationships that harm our wellbeing or prevent us from creating genuine happiness? This powerful episode tackles the signs that might indicate it's time to consider divorce, and more importantly, gives you permission to honestly ask yourself what you truly want.
 
I'm not here to tell you whether you should get divorce. That decision belongs to you alone. However, I am here to help you recognize when your body, mind, and intuition are signaling that something needs to change. From researching divorce laws in your state to constantly walking on eggshells around your partner, these signals deserve your attention rather than dismissal.
 
Many women stay in unhappy marriages because the uncertainty of divorce feels overwhelming. Will I be able to support myself financially? Where will I live? How will this affect my children? These are valid concerns, but they're obstacles that can be overcome with proper planning and support. As women, we are remarkably resilient and resourceful. We are really great at problem solving. We figure things out all the time, often while juggling multiple responsibilities already.
 
You deserve to wake up feeling hopeful about your day and your future. You deserve relationships that add to your life rather than drain your energy. Most importantly, you deserve to give yourself permission to create the life you truly want, even if that means ending your current marriage. The healing begins once you face the truth of what you want and take those first steps toward a different future.
 
Whether you're considering divorce yourself or know someone who might need this message, remember: choosing yourself isn't selfish; it's necessary for your wellbeing and ultimately benefits everyone around you.

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Karin Nelson:

This is Becoming you Again, the podcast helping you heal from your divorce and deal with the mental and emotional challenges you face so you can get on living at the best of the rest of your life. I am your host, karin Nelson, and you are listening to episode number 230. Welcome to Becoming you Again, the podcast where you learn to step into your power as a woman in this world, where you learn to reconnect to your wholeness, your integrity, and bring into alignment your brain, your body and your intuition after divorce. This is the podcast where you learn to trust yourself again and move forward toward a life that you truly want. You are listening to Becoming you Again, and I am your host, karin Nelson. Welcome back to the podcast, my lovely, lovely ladies. As always, I say this every time, but it's so, so true. I'm so happy to be here. How's everyone doing? The end of summer is coming, school is going to go back into session, if it already hasn't for your kids. My son is moving back up to his college in a week or two and yeah, that's just kind of where we're at. Transitions, lots of transitions coming from summer to back to school. Maybe you're transitioning out of your marriage into the new life and what that looks like. So many transitions. Nothing wrong with that.

Karin Nelson:

But today I want to speak to the women who maybe are thinking about divorce. Maybe they've been thinking about it for a very long time. Now I'm not here to tell you you should or shouldn't get divorced. That is something that only you can know for yourself. But what I am going to do in this podcast episode is I'm going to offer you some clues that maybe it's time to really consider if divorce is the right thing for you, so that you can know do I need to be asking myself this question? Do I want to stay married? It's the question I had to ask myself and really be honest about, and when I was honest about it and when I did give myself permission to say honestly, truly, what I wanted, the truth came out for me, and you're allowed to do that for yourself as well. The truth came out for me, and you're allowed to do that for yourself as well. Whatever, the answer is whether it's divorce, no divorce, stay married and find a way, like have a plan to get out, like whatever right, but only you can know that. So I'm just going to give you some possible clues that maybe it's time to ask yourself that question what do I truly want?

Karin Nelson:

As many of you know, I am pro-divorce, I'm not anti-marriage, but I don't think I have to be anti-marriage to also be pro-divorce, because I absolutely unequivocally believe that, when it comes to marriages that are no longer serving you, that are harmful to you or that are keeping you from creating your own happiness, those are not marriages that need to stick around. In my opinion, that is when it is time to get divorced for you. So let me just reiterate we have been conditioned to believe in the society that we live in, that marriage is supposed to last forever, that these vows that we take, they are a promise and you hold onto that promise, no matter what, that we're supposed to stick it out through thick and thin, for better or for worse, till death. Do us part. Or if you're like me and you grew up in a religion that's a little wacky in some ways, part. Or if you're like me and you grew up in a religion that's a little wacky in some ways, for eternity. That's what our marriages were for eternity. You stay together, no matter what, and while I absolutely believe in working through challenges and growing together as a couple and if the mental and emotional labor is equal and you have a partner who truly sees you and wants to work, things work together to make the marriage work, amazing, that's great. I have people in my family who have marriages like that and it's beautiful to watch my parents' marriage was like that. It was a beautiful thing to behold and I do think that that is possible. But that is not everyone's experience. That was not my experience and that is not any of my clients' experiences, and that might not be your experience. Not all marriages are meant to last, and that's okay. That's okay.

Karin Nelson:

Some of you listening right now either were in an unhappy marriage and are now out, or you know someone who is in an unhappy marriage and is questioning whether they can give themselves permission to leave. If you know someone, send them this podcast episode to listen to. If this is you, please listen to what I'm going to tell you and really ask yourself some pointed questions of what is it that you truly want? And if this was you, then you were probably going to recognize some of these things, because when I was writing this episode, I recognized so much of myself in a lot in these things that, like I dealt with before I gave myself permission to ask myself an answer with true honesty what do I truly want? Okay? So, as I said, if you are not giving yourself permission to think about divorce as a legitimate next step, if you are telling yourself that you should try harder or be more patient or be more understanding, or you're making excuses for their behavior, or you're minimizing your own pain and your own needs, no, we're not doing that.

Karin Nelson:

I want you to listen up, because here are some very clear indicators that it might be time for you to get a divorce, and I want you to know that that's okay, that is okay for you to say, that is okay for you to say Okay. So here's the non-negotiable one. I don't care what situation you're in. If this is you, if your partner is abusive in any way, it is time to get a divorce. So I understand that sometimes it's not possible yet to get out of an abusive marriage, but I do want you to know that help is available. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. They have resources. They can help you with safety, with planning. There are people who understand and maybe it is just a matter of coming up with a plan to get out. So please keep that in mind if you are in a situation like that.

Karin Nelson:

Now here are some more like maybe not as overt signs as abuse, but just things to question, ponder about if this is going on for you or someone you know, and maybe it's time to ask themselves the question right, what do I want? Okay, so if you are going to people and you are asking them how do you know when it's time to get divorced, that is your clue that it's probably time to get divorced. That is your clue that you need to ask yourself honestly what do I want here and why am I staying in this marriage? Your intuition is already telling you something and you need to listen to it, be willing to listen to it. It's trying to tell you maybe it's time to get divorced, right? If you're Googling divorce laws in your state and if you're researching how to divide assets and if you're looking up like custody information, that is a huge clue that it's time to get divorced. Again, I want you to give yourself permission. If these are things you've been thinking about, that it's okay. That is what I want to normalize here. It is okay for you to get divorced. I'm not saying it's not scary. I'm not saying there's not fear around the uncertainty of how to do it and what will happen and what the plan is. None of that Right now.

Karin Nelson:

This whole podcast episode is about giving yourself permission to recognize some signs that your intuition is telling you Okay, if you're already doing the prep work for your exit, that's your sign, it's time to get divorced. Here's one that I remember thinking about through so many years of my marriage and maybe this is like terrible that I'm even going to admit this, but I know if I thought about it. I think probably you guys have thought about it too. If you are just like randomly wishing that your husband or partner would just like die and not like thinking about murdering him, like not that, but like if you're just like it might be so much easier if, like, he died randomly, and then you beat yourself up for thinking that, because who thinks that? Right, we all think that. Like, who even thinks that's such a terrible thing to think? I thought that many times because I thought that it was going to be so much harder and worse to get a divorce that I just wished that he would like just randomly die one day and then I would just have to deal with that instead of actually having to get a divorce.

Karin Nelson:

If you're thinking that it's time for a divorce, okay, it's time to listen to your intuition. We don't beat ourselves up for thinking that we also don't follow through with any of those thoughts, but, like, your intuition is trying to tell you something and I want you to know. A divorce is not harder. A divorce is totally doable. It's not fun For a lot of us. There's a lot of paperwork and a lot of lawyers and a lot of back and forth and a lot of bickering. Okay, those are things that you can handle. I guarantee you can handle that.

Karin Nelson:

Here are some other signs. If you are purposefully not talking about your relationship with your friends and family or here's the or to that if you are lying to your friends and family about what kind of a person your partner is, like, how they treat you or things that happen behind closed doors and I'm not even talking about like overt abuse Maybe they just like don't respect you or yell all the time or are like mean to your kids or something not like abusive, but like just don't treat them in a respectful way, and you're doing it because you don't want your family to know, or to look at him in a different way, or to judge you and think that you're like dumb for staying, or they're going to think something. You think they're going to think something of you or think something of him. That might be time to ask yourself the question what do I want here and why am I staying? When we love someone and they love us back in a healthy way, we want to share that and we want to talk about it and we want to share it with our friends. We want them to see how amazing they are right. But if we're hiding bad behavior or you're making excuses for them or you're editing the truth about your relationship, that might be something that your brain and body are trying to tell you like this behavior is unacceptable and maybe it's time to get out. Right, you're protecting their reputation or not wanting to feel some kind of judgment from other people at the expense of, like actually being willing to look at the truth of what the situation is.

Karin Nelson:

Another one that I see is if you are questioning like maybe I'm the problem, maybe I'm the crazy one, because they're constantly telling you you're crazy, you're the problem here, now might be time to get out Like a good, healthy partner, doesn't constantly tell you you're the problem, you're crazy. And women are so often told they're crazy, they're too emotional, they're the problem, you're crazy. And women are so often told they're crazy, they're too emotional, they're the problem all of that. And yes, I'm not saying that you're perfect. I'm not saying that you aren't contributing to, maybe, the demise of this relationship in some way. I'm not saying that.

Karin Nelson:

But I am saying if someone is constantly gaslighting, in specific ways, you to tell you that you're the crazy one, to tell you that it's all in your head, to tell you that you're the problem, to tell you that you're too emotional all the time or you're just acting illogically or something like that, maybe it's time to question why am I staying in this relationship? Why am I allowing myself to be treated this way? Why am I allowing myself to stay in a relationship where there is so much unhappiness on my part? Is it just because I've been conditioned to stay? Is it just because I've been conditioned to believe that this is how we do it and there's no other way, or that it's too hard to get divorced or it's going to be too hard for the kids? Is that why? And are those good enough reasons to stay If you are constantly telling yourself and others well, he's not always like this or that was just a.

Karin Nelson:

You know most of the time he's really great. Just you know. Most of the time he's really great. There's just these few times when this is happening or this has happened. Listen, it's time to get divorced. Nobody is abusive or a terrible human being or treats someone disrespectfully or terribly 100% of the time. Right.

Karin Nelson:

But if you find yourself doing it over and over and over again, if you find yourself listening out of one ear because you're afraid of what they might be saying to someone and you might have to go smooth some things over, or you're constantly walking on eggshells when they come home, when they close their door in the driveway and you're like they're home now, I have to be on my best behavior. It's time for a divorce. It's time to ask yourself why am I in this relationship? Why am I putting myself through this and my kids through this? Constant explanations about why your partner isn't a terrible human being is keeping you on edge, is keeping your nervous system heightened, is keeping you living in a reality that isn't true for you. Ask yourself why are you staying in this relationship? Why are you not filing for divorce? Ask yourself, because these are important questions that you need to be asking yourself and giving yourself permission to truly answer for you.

Karin Nelson:

Again, going back to that idea, if you're constantly walking on eggshells, if you're worrying about what kind of mood they're going to be in, if you're blaming yourself for their mood, if you're trying to fix their emotions, if you're trying to change who you are and people please, because you don't want them to be upset, because you don't want them to get angry, because you don't want them to say mean things to you, because you don't want them to ignore you so you change who you are, you self-abandon at every turn and your nervous system is in a constant state of being heightened. I want you to know that it's not just you who's feeling that heightened. I want you to know that it's not just you who's feeling that your kids are also feeling that way. And if the answer is it's time to get divorced and create at least one environment where your kids don't have to feel that way, let that be yours. Let that be your environment where you don't feel that way and where they can feel safe too. If you pretend to be asleep when they come to bed so that you can avoid them, it might be time to get a divorce.

Karin Nelson:

I remember doing this one too A lot. It was either I didn't want to feel like pressured into having sex, it was maybe I didn't feel like I could have an opinion and so I didn't really want to have conversations with him because I felt judged constantly that my ideas were wrong or stupid. Or it could be that maybe every time you feel like you talk, you have a conversation, it just turns into a fight, and that doesn't feel good either. So if you are pretending to be asleep, these are signs that we need to take a look at and be asking ourselves what does this mean? Why am I staying in a relationship like this? What am I afraid of, and can I trust myself that I will be okay on the other side of this, outside of this marriage? So let's talk about that, right. If you are staying, because planning or figuring out the next steps of divorce feels really overwhelming. Number one maybe it's time to get divorced if that's your reason for staying. And number two, I understand that right.

Karin Nelson:

I talk about this all the time on my podcast. We do things because it's too scary, because there's so much uncertainty around it, because it feels complex and we aren't sure that we can trust ourselves to figure it out. Or it's scary because maybe we haven't worked in a really long time, or maybe we're afraid that we're not going to be able to, like, handle our finances or have enough money or find a good enough job, or have to leave the house and find a different living place, a different place to live or like whatever. All of these things are reasons to take a look at. Why am I staying in this marriage and are these good enough reasons to not move forward with a divorce? These are obstacles that you can overcome. These are things that you can plan and figure out with the help of family, friends, therapists, coaches, lawyers, financial planners. Even just going out and finding a job can help with that uncertainty and that fear right. So these are obstacles that can be overcome and aren't necessarily the best reason for sticking around just because you don't trust yourself enough or believe in yourself enough that you can figure it out.

Karin Nelson:

I want to tell you something. If you have been in a marriage where you feel like you've been the single parent for a very long time, or you've been raising the kids on your own, basically, and your partner has not been doing much. Or if you've been working outside of the home and you've been like the breadwinner for a long time, which is the case with so many of my clients They've been the one making the money. Women out there working hard and then coming home and raising kids and taking care of the house and doing all that. I want you to know something you are capable, you are 100% capable and you are not giving yourself enough credit that you will be okay on the other side of divorce. Women are resilient, we are strong. We are powerful, we are smart. We figure shit out all the fucking time. Believe in yourself.

Karin Nelson:

You do not have to stay in a marriage that you are unhappy with, where you are being abused, disrespected, told lies, or where you just don't want to be because you're sick of carrying all of the mental and emotional and physical load, or for any other reason, literally any other reason. If there is another reason that you don't want to be in your marriage anymore, give yourself permission to ask why am I staying? Do I like that reason? And if not, it's okay for you to get divorced. It is okay for you to have an end to this relationship. You do not have to live in sadness or become apathetic or think that your life is going to look like this forever, because there is an answer, and that answer is giving yourself permission to do what feels best and right for you. And then, once you start the process, that's when you can work on healing. That's when you can work on reconnecting with yourself and trusting yourself and listening to your intuition and healing from the grief and the sadness and the unhappiness that you have been feeling, and learning to create a better life for yourself and for your kids. That's when you work on all of that.

Karin Nelson:

But you've got to be willing to face the truth of what it is that you truly want. And if being divorced and getting out of this relationship and seeing an end to this relationship is the answer to that, then be willing to move forward. Be willing to make that choice and move forward, because you deserve a life that excites you. You deserve to wake up feeling hopeful about your day and about your future, and you deserve, if you want, to have a partnership that adds to your life rather than detracting from it, and I'm not saying you need to get divorced to find another partner. You don't. You don't ever have to get married again. You don't ever have to have a partner again if you don't want. That's totally up to you. You don't need a partner to complete you or to make you feel 100% worthy. You're 100% worthy exactly as you are right now. So do what feels best and right to you, but give yourself permission to do it.

Karin Nelson:

And if you're thinking about some of these things, or you've had these thoughts, or you're in a situation that you don't want to be in anymore, give yourself permission to say I'm done, I'm ready to move on, and then take the steps to move forward. All right, my friends, that is what I have for you today. I hope this is helpful. Again, if you've gone through a divorce and you aren't in this situation where you're deciding, amazing Good for you. I'm so proud of you for making that choice for yourself. However, if you know somebody who is struggling with this, send them this podcast episode and say, hey, listen to this. This might help you work through some of those questions that you're having to get some clarity for yourself. All right, that is what I have for you today. Thank you so much for being here. I love you all. I will talk to you next week. Hi friend, I'm so glad you're here and thanks for listening.

Karin Nelson:

I wanted to let you know that if you're wanting more, a way to make deeper, more lasting change, then working one-on-one with me as your coach may be exactly what you need. Together, we'll take everything you're learning in the podcast and implement it in your life, with weekly coaching, real life practice and practical guidance. To learn more about how to work with me one-on-one, go to karennelsoncoachingcom. That's wwwkarinnelsoncoaching dot com. Thanks for listening. If this podcast agreed with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating. Wherever you listen to podcasts and for more details about how I can help you live an even better life than when you were married, make sure and check out the full show notes by clicking the link in the description.

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Karin Nelson

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