Becoming You Again

From Transactional to Unconditional: Rebuilding Your Relationship with Yourself

• Karin Nelson • Episode 228

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Self-love shouldn't come with conditions, yet so many of us hold ourselves hostage to impossible standards. I’m tackling this concept of "transactional self-love" in this throwback episode. Transactional self-love are the unconscious bargains we make with ourselves, promising kindness and acceptance only after certain benchmarks are met.
 
We've all said it: "I'll love myself when I lose weight," "I'll be kind to myself once my divorce is finalized," or "I'll accept myself when I find someone new." These conditional statements reveal how deeply we've internalized the message that we must earn our own affection. I explore this phenomenon through multiple lenses; our biological negativity bias, childhood experiences of conditional love, and the societal conditioning that teaches women their value depends on external factors.
 
The relationship you have with yourself forms the foundation for every other relationship in your life. When you withhold compassion from yourself, you're likely applying the same transactional approach to others. Breaking free from this pattern starts with awareness – identifying your personal conditions for self-acceptance and consciously choosing more compassionate alternatives.
 
Through practical steps and thoughtful guidance, I demonstrate how to build an unshakable foundation of self-love that doesn't fluctuate based on achievements or circumstances. This isn't about achieving perfect self-love but creating a baseline of acceptance that supports you through life's inevitable challenges. You'll learn how to recognize your conditional thinking and practice new neural pathways of self-compassion through consistent, intentional thought work.

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Karin Nelson:

This is Becoming you Again, the podcast helping you heal from your divorce and deal with the mental and emotional challenges you face so you can get on living the best of the rest of your life. I am your host, karin Nelson, and you are listening to episode number 228. Welcome to Becoming you Again, the podcast where you learn to step into your power as a woman in this world, where you learn to reconnect to your wholeness, your integrity, and bring into alignment your brain, your body and your intuition after divorce. This is the podcast where you learn to trust yourself again and move forward toward a life that you truly want. You are listening to Becoming you Again and I am your host, karin Nelson, becoming you again, and I am your host, karin Nelson. Welcome back to the podcast. My lovely, lovely ladies, as always, I am so happy that you're here. If you remember from last week, we are on summer break, which basically means I took a couple of weeks off from putting out brand new podcast episodes, and so I'm doing a throwback episode. Maybe you've listened to this one before, maybe not, but either way, you're going to get something great out of it.

Karin Nelson:

And today I am talking about transactional self-love. Here's the thing we withhold love and kindness from ourselves until certain conditions are met and we all do this until we realize that we're doing it, and then we can learn to do better. This until we realize that we're doing it, and then we can learn to do better. We will say things like I'll love myself when I lose weight or when I get a better job, or when I find someone new or who treats me better, or when the divorce is finalized Sound familiar. And then we beat ourselves up constantly, especially during major transitions of our life like divorce. And I'm here to tell you it's not okay to treat ourselves this way. And here's the thing you don't have to wait until a certain time or a certain thing happens in your life or you look different or feel different, to be able to learn to love yourself. You don't have to wait until your divorce is perfect or over to begin to love yourself. Your relationship with you is the most important relationship you will ever have. It is the foundation for every other relationship that you have in your life, and you can learn to practice unconditional self-love with you right now, as you're going through a divorce, as you're struggling with healing, as you are figuring it all out and going through this major transition in your life, and I'm going to teach you how to do all of that in this podcast episode, because the love that you give yourself sets the tone for every other relationship moving forward in your life, and so now is the time to start. I hope you enjoy this episode on transactional self-love.

Karin Nelson:

I don't know about you, but I love to watch all kinds of shows. My favorite are mysteries or anything that has to do with true crime or crime. I just think they're so fun and it's fun to try and figure out the whodunit. But I did just finish watching a completely different kind of show that I truly believe every human needs to watch. I loved this show so very much so I watched it on Apple Plus, and it is called Gutsy, and it's basically Hillary and Chelsea Clinton, this mother-daughter duo traveling around the country speaking to quote-unquote, gutsy women. And these women that they speak to are changing their homes, they're changing the community and they are even, in some ways, some instances, changing the world. And the way they're doing this is they are being themselves and they are sharing that uniqueness with humanity, bit by bit. This show is. It's so beautiful, it's amazing. I loved every second of it.

Karin Nelson:

And when I got to the end, the last episode, and it ended and another one didn't pop up, I was like wait, what?

Karin Nelson:

This show is over. No, we need more. I need more. I want more.

Karin Nelson:

I craved hearing these stories about these women and how they are literally becoming these mentors and these people that little girls can look up to, that I can look up to and think I want to be like that. I want to be like that person and create amazing change in this world, in whatever that means for me and my life, and I think this is really important. I think we, as women, need more and more role models to look up to and to admire and be able to hear all of these different stories from all of these different women and how they are putting this goodness into the world in their own gutsy ways. It is so inspiring. So, first of all, if you have not watched this show 100%, you need to watch it. And, second of all, I think it's really important because we, as women, we are so hard on ourselves. We nitpick and we analyze every little thing. We beat ourselves up constantly for not doing enough, for not being enough, for not being worthy for not being deserving, and we're really hard on ourselves. And so when we can hear stories of other women who are saying, no, I am not going to give in to this self-hatred, I am going to step beyond this box that I've been put in and they step into their own knowing and in whatever way big or small and everything in between they show up being who they are and and then putting that out into the world and making small changes. That allows us to give ourselves permission to be more of who we are, and I loved every second of it. So go watch it. But while I was watching this show like this is the whole point right, besides sharing something that really spoke to my soul with you While I was watching this show, I started to think about this idea of transactional self-love and how, as women, we withhold love and kindness for ourselves until certain conditions are met, and so I wanted to talk about that today.

Karin Nelson:

Love is a beautiful part of the human experience. I think of love in several different ways. Love is something that we say it's when we have a strong affection towards someone or something, like I love my kids, or I love homemade cookies, I love cozy blankets and cozy sweaters. But love is also something that we feel inside our body. It's an emotion. We have access to it when we have loving thoughts in our head and love feels so good inside, it feels so warm, open, it is encompassing, it is full, it is present. And love is also something that we do. It's an action, it's a verb. We love on people and we love on things, and we act out the love that we feel in all kinds of ways. Love and I know you know this, but it is such an important part of our human experience and it truly does feel the best.

Karin Nelson:

But when it comes to love and giving love and feeling love for ourselves, we've been socialized to be transactional with that love and I believe that this is creating a huge detriment to our relationships, our relationships with ourselves, and then that trickles out into our relationships with other people in our lives. Because when we are transactional with our self-love, it's basically saying I can't love myself if I don't meet this condition or if I don't accomplish this thing, or if I stop being this way, or once I achieve this goal, then I can love myself, but otherwise I'm going to give myself hate, I'm going to criticize myself, I'm going to not believe that I can do it, I'm not going to trust myself and I'm just going to continue to be disappointed in who I am and when we treat ourselves in this way, with this transactional love, we tend to do that to other people in our lives as well, and we're probably doing a lot of this and we don't even realize it, and so when it comes to other relationships, it can look like well, I'll show you love. If you do this thing that I really want you to do, or if you meet this expectation, then I'll show you the love that you want, and if you don't, then I'm probably going to be upset with you or I'm probably going to act negatively toward you in some way. I really wanted to talk about how, first of all, we all do this. It's not something that just you're doing and I'm so much better because I don't do this. No, we all do this. We do it to ourselves, number one. We also do it to others and we don't even realize it. But I wanted to talk about how we can begin to recognize it and become aware that we're doing this and then let go of that transactional love when it comes to ourselves, so that we can step into a true, open, compassionate relationship of self-love and acceptance. Where we're at right now? Because if we can change that self-love for ourselves, if we can change that relationship that we have with ourselves, then moving we will be able to create better relationships with all of the people around us as well. But it always has to start here. It has to start with us.

Karin Nelson:

You're ready for divorce, but you have no idea what comes next. You've made the hardest decision. You know you're ready to end your marriage, but now the fear kicks in. What if you make the wrong choices? How do you handle the emotional weight you're carrying around? If you're asking questions like these and you're not sure what the next best steps are for you, don't worry, I've got you. You don't have to figure it out all alone. The right support helps you make decisions that protect your future and get you unstuck.

Karin Nelson:

I offer a free next step session where you come and talk about what you're going through, the emotions that you're feeling, the grief you're dealing with and the decisions that you are having trouble making. We'll talk more about what your next steps can look like, moving toward a future that you want, and we'll talk about what it could. Next steps can look like, moving toward a future that you want, and we'll talk about what it could look like to continue to work together. Now don't get me wrong. This call isn't about knowing what to put in your divorce decree or which lawyer to hire, but instead it's about learning to make decisions from your knowing and living your life from that place, and no matter what you decide, by the end of the call you will feel heard, you will feel seen, you will feel understood and you will have clarity on your next best step moving forward. You can schedule your free call by clicking the link in the description.

Karin Nelson:

You are the first person that you are being transactional with when it comes to loving yourself, and you probably don't even see it. You may not realize you're doing it, like I've said before, but I guarantee that if you're a human and you identify as a woman in this world today, you are being transactional with your self-love. How do I know? Because I understand the negativity and the self-hatred that goes on inside our heads that is going up on a constant basis. My most popular podcast is called Learning to Love Yourself, and when I see that this is the most popular podcast, what that tells me is that women are struggling to love themselves. They are struggling to feel worthy and to see their value, and the number one reason that I would say 99% of my clients who come to me for help, it is to love themselves more. It is to have more understanding of their worth and their value. So this is something that needs to be addressed, but we have to understand where it's coming from, why we're doing it, first, and then we can implement the change to create a more unconditional relationship with ourselves.

Karin Nelson:

And this transactional love can show up in so many different ways. But often it looks like eating yourself up and bullying yourself and we'll say something like well, my life just doesn't look the way that I thought it was going to look. Or maybe you're withholding kind words to yourself until you lose weight or you get the job or you finish school. Or maybe if you get an A on that project, then you can be nice to yourself. Or maybe once you buy the house, or your house is clean or your kids get the A, or once you pay off some debt, or once you have a partner again and are dating again or have that validation from someone, or once your divorce is signed or you make a certain amount of money, like all of those are transactional reasons to withhold love. Once I do this, then I can love myself, then I can be kind to myself, then I can believe myself, then I can trust myself and it can also look like, well, if I could just stop asking people for help or if I could just stop being a burden to everyone else, then maybe I can love myself, then maybe I can give myself some kindness in moments. And we set these unconscious and sometimes conscious benchmarks that we have to live up to before we think we can allow ourselves self-love or kindness or before we think we can allow ourselves to be compassionate with ourselves.

Karin Nelson:

And there's many reasons why we've adopted this idea of transactional self-love, and I'm going to talk about a couple of these ideas. So some of it is inherent in our DNA. There's not really much we can do about it being passed down in our DNA other than becoming aware and then really working to manage our brain around it, because our primitive brain had a specific job to do and that was to keep us alive, to keep our ancestors, our primitive ancestors, alive, and one of the ways that it did that was to always be scanning for negative. It did. That was to always be scanning for negative because that meant survival, like if our primitive ancestors are out hunting for food or removing from place to place, they're constantly scanning their surroundings, looking for danger, like, oh no, is that bush over there moving? Because if it's moving, be careful, there might be a predator back there. We need to stay safe, we need to stay alive. So what can I be looking for that is going to tell me there's danger ahead. And so it's always scanning for something negative. And that part of our brain was passed down through generation after generation after generation in our DNA. Our brain still has this tool, but because we're usually not in the same kind of danger that our ancestors were, that negativity becomes overused and it shows up in ways that aren't as useful to us, like constant self-criticism, constant self-hatred, constant self-doubt, constant distrust of our own opinions and seeing how we're doing everything wrong and your life is wrong and everything about you is wrong.

Karin Nelson:

And then another reason that we've adopted this kind of transactional love is because maybe this is how you were given love. Maybe your parents withheld love unless you did well in school or unless you did your chores when they asked you to, or until you did something that they really wanted you to do, even if you didn't want to do it. Or maybe this is how love was given to you in your marriage. Maybe this is how your husband treated you that if he didn't come home to a clean house or a hot meal on the table, then he couldn't, you know, validate you or give you love or show up in the relationship in the way that you wanted or needed in that moment. And so instead, you became a people pleaser in order to placate someone into showing you love based on how you act, and you taught yourself that if I do these certain things, then I might get the love that I'm needing and that I'm wanting. And then we use that in our other relationships because it's what we've learned, because it's been the example that we've been given.

Karin Nelson:

And then another reason that you might have adopted this transactional self-love is because of how women are socialized. Women are socialized to believe that we don't have inherent value, that our value is dependent upon lots of different factors, and it's not like people are actually saying you just don't have any value as a woman. I mean, sometimes people are saying that, but for the most part, this is just like this. It's woven into our society and into the themes that we see all around us. It permeates society in deciding whether or not a woman is worthy of love, like whether she's pretty enough, or whether she's being kind, or whether she's acting crazy or irrationally, or whether she's putting other needs first, or whether she's too ambitious, and if she's too ambitious, that means she might be stepping out of the box that she's been put in, or whether she's too ambitious, and if she's too ambitious, that means she might be stepping out of the box that she's been put in, or whether she's making decisions about her life or her body that we don't think she's capable of making, or whether she's dateable, or if someone will marry her, or whether she has opinions or is too loud.

Karin Nelson:

This socialization is an underlying theme that we use against ourselves on a regular basis to decide whether we can feel self-love today or whether we can show up and see our worth and our value. And so you might be hearing this and you might be thinking perfect, so basically, I'm just doomed, never love myself and never have a good relationship with myself, which means that all of my relationships are doomed as well, and the answer, of course, is no. Of course this isn't true, because, no matter what might have happened in your childhood, no matter the socialization that we have in our world today, and no matter what happened in your marriage or other experiences that you've had, your relationship with yourself is something that you can improve on at any point. You can learn to drop the transactional self-love and instead step into this unconditional love for yourself. So how do we do that? How do we let go of the transactions or the conditions that we're giving ourselves in order to feel loved, in order to feel kindness toward ourselves?

Karin Nelson:

And the first thing that you need to do is figure out what are some of those conditions, what are these transactions that I'm holding to myself, and you need to write them out. This is probably going to take some thinking and time on your part, but I promise you it is work worth doing for your own sake, because this is where the first steps to change are going to take place. This is where the awareness is going to occur and, as I always say you've heard me say it before right awareness is the first step to change. Without Without it, there is no change. So ask yourself what are the transactions that I am requiring before I can allow myself to be kind or to be loving?

Karin Nelson:

So a big one for me for most of my life has been my weight, and I used to think, like, well, I like the way you look when the scale says a certain number, or I'll think you're beautiful and worthy when you fit into this certain size. And I've really done a lot of work on dropping those conditions for myself and stepping into unconditional love for me and my body as it is right now. But what are your transactions that you're holding on to Write them out, so that you have that awareness? And then the next step is I want you to pick one. You might have a couple and it's okay, we're just going to work on one right now. So pick one and then come up with a believable thought that you can practice thinking and telling yourself. So, for me, some of the thoughts that I like to use are the number on the scale doesn't define who I am, or yep, didn't exercise today and I can still treat myself with care and kindness. So come up with a thought that you can use that feels believable, that feels better than what you're thinking right now. Doesn't have to be all the way to. I love myself, I'm perfect exactly as I am, because that might be a really far jump for you. But I promise you that when you think about this, there are going to be thoughts that feel better than what you're thinking about yourself right now. Start with that. Start small, with little, tiny steps in your thinking that feel better than what your original thought is, and come up with that thought. Start practicing it. Thought is and come up with that thought. Start practicing it.

Karin Nelson:

So much of this work of retraining our brain and creating new neural pathways is repetition. Practice saying it, repeat it to yourself over and over again. See it all around your house in different places, hang it up, put it on your phone as a reminder. Remind yourself of this new way of thinking, letting go of the transactional self-love. It's not going to happen overnight with saying at one time that you accept yourself. This is going to happen through being committed to changing how you're thinking about yourself so that you can feel that self-love, so that you can change your relationship with you.

Karin Nelson:

And when you change your relationship with yourself and you begin to give yourself that unconditional love, then you start to show up with unconditional love in all of your other relationships as well and you start to recognize where you've been showing up with transactional love toward others and you begin to let go of really showing up with love in that way and recognizing that it's not healthy and it's not good and it's not serving them to love in a transactional way and it's definitely not serving you to love yourself in a transactional way. But it truly has to start with you and your relationship with you and dropping that transactional love that you're giving yourself. And I don't want you to think that when I say learning to drop the transactional love that you're giving yourself, and I don't want you to think that when I say learning to drop the transactional self-love and loving yourself more means that you're always going to feel amazing, that you're never going to be self-critical anymore, you're never going to have those self-doubt thoughts and that you're just always going to be happy and your life is going to be perfect. No, that's definitely not going to happen because at the core, you're still human and humans are always going to have thoughts and sometimes those thoughts are going to be negative and sometimes they're going to be self-critical and doubting. It's really not about being perfect at this or having a perfect love for yourself. It's about creating a solid foundation of exquisite kindness or love and respect for yourself. That doesn't change with the weather, and doesn't change if you got up on the wrong side of the bed. You're still going to have moments where you're frustrated with yourself or where you make a mistake or you don't show up as the person that you wanted to be in that situation. But because you are building and cultivating this stable foundation of self-love and acceptance, you can give yourself grace in those moments and you can give yourself the benefit of the doubt. And what it really means is that you are creating a safe space in your brain where you're not constantly bullying yourself or beating yourself up or being a human being. All right, my lovelies, go pay attention to where you're showing up with transactional self-love and then practice a new thought around it and just get better at it. Get better at recognizing when you're giving yourself conditions and allowing yourself to love and accept yourself just as you are. Have a great rest of your week. I love you all. Thank you for being here. Talk to you soon.

Karin Nelson:

Hi, friend, I'm so glad you're here and thanks for listening. I wanted to let you know that if you're wanting more, a way to make deeper, more lasting change, then working one-on-one with me as your coach may be exactly what you need. Together, we'll take everything you're learning in the podcast and implement it in your life, with weekly coaching, real life practice and practical guidance. To learn more about how to work with me one-on-one, go to karinnelsoncoaching dot com. That's wwwkarinnelsoncoaching dot com. Thanks for listening. If this podcast agreed with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating. Wherever you listen to podcasts and for more details about how I can help you live an even better life than when you were married. Make sure and check out the full show notes by clicking the link in the description.

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Karin Nelson

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