The Ex-Files Ep 1: When Your Ex Moves On

Your ex starts dating again and you're surprised by your reaction of finding yourself crying in the car, obsessing at night, or feeling that tight, panicky drop in your stomach. It can be so confusing especially when YOU DON'T EVEN WANT HIM BACK! 

In this first episode of my Ex-Files series I'm talking about what’s actually happening in your brain and nervous system when your ex “moves on” and why you can feel things without it meaning that there must be something wrong with you. I talk about all the stories that we carry with us like, he moved on so he won, she replaced me, and the one that I suffered from - I’m behind. 

You’ll leave with practical tools you can use any time you might be prone to have this kind of nervous system response including before drop-offs or family events, with social media, how to handle nosy questions, breaking up rumination and where to focus your attention moving forward. 

Make sure to check back next week for the next episode in the Ex-Files series where I go deeper with healing after betrayal.

If this helped, subscribe, share it with a friend who needs steadiness, and leave a rating or review so more women can find this kind of post-divorce support.

To download your FREE "Becoming You Again Podcast Map" click here. 

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DISCLAIMER: THE COMMENTARY AND OPINIONS AVAILABLE ON THIS PODCAST ARE FOR EDUCATIONAL, INFORMATIONAL AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND ARE NOT FOR THE PURPOSE OF PROVIDING PSYCHOLOGICAL, COUNSELING OR PROFESSIONAL HEALTHCARE ADVICE. 

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Transcript

Welcome And The X-Files Series

Karin Nelson 0:00

Welcome to Becoming You Again. This is the podcast for divorcing and divorced women who want to come home to themselves after years of self-abandonment. I'm your host, Karin Nelson. I'm a divorce coach, and I love helping women learn to trust themselves again, learn to reclaim their identity and build lives that actually feel like theirs. Over the next four episodes, I am doing a series that I am calling the Ex-Files because I'm going to be focusing basically on these aspects of what it kind of feels like to have an ex. So this episode today will be centered around like when your ex moves on. The next episode that will come out the next week will be focused on like healing after betrayal specifically. The next one is going to be on emotional detachment 2.0 because emotional detachment from your ex is one of my highest ranking podcast episodes of all time. And then the last in the series is going to be all about how to co-parent in a high conflict divorce. So stick around, make sure and come back for all four episodes in this Ex-Files series. Let's jump into today's episode. Welcome to Becoming You Again, the podcast where you learn to step into your power as a woman in this world, where you learn to reconnect to your wholeness, your integrity, and bring into alignment your brain, your body, and your intuition after divorce. This is the podcast where you learn to trust yourself again and move forward toward a life that you truly want. You are listening to Becoming You Again, and I am your host, Karin Nelson. Welcome back to the podcast, all of you amazing women out there. As I said, I am starting a series for the next four episodes that I am calling the X-Files. And basically, I just kind of am talking about like this idea that I hear a lot from women of like, what am I supposed to do about him? Right? Like, what do I just do about my ex now that he's there? He's still part of my life because we have kids, but like I don't really want to have to think about him or want to be around him, or like any of those things. Like, right, so what do I do about him? So this month I'm going there in all of the different aspects, like I just said. Today

When Your Ex Moves On

Karin Nelson 2:28

is episode one, and we're starting really big because we are talking about what happens when your ex moves on. Meaning he has a girlfriend, he gets remarried, or anything in that arena. Okay. So maybe you got like an engagement announcement that showed up because one of your friends like sent it to you and they were like, oh my gosh, did you hear? or whatever. Maybe you were pulling into the driveway to do a drop-off and there was some other woman there that you had never met standing in the kitchen window or standing at the front door, and you're like, okay, who's this person that I haven't heard about yet? Maybe it was your kid just casually like dropping the name at dinner like it was nothing. Like you just were supposed to know who this person was. Maybe it was him literally leaving you and choosing his affair person and staying with that person after the divorce, right? Like whatever it looks like, there's probably a thousand other ways that this could look, but whatever it looks like for you, I want to talk about those moments for you and how you deal with and handle and move on and all of that for you. Because even if you never wanted him back, even if you were the one who left and you like knew a thousand percent that it was the right move and that you don't, do not don't want to be with him, right? Or even if he left you, but you now realize I'm so much better off without him. Even if you have done all of the work, so much work, so much healing on yourself, having a moment like that can still like take your breath away, can still dysregulate your nervous system. And so I want you to know before I even go any further, if that happens to you, like if this one of these moments happens and afterwards you're like, oh my God, why did I feel that way? Why did I have that reaction? Why am I crying about this? Why do I care even? It doesn't mean that you're doing something wrong. It doesn't mean that you're healing wrong or you're not over him or you still have feelings for him. It doesn't mean literally any of those things. I just want you to know that right off the bat. And I'm gonna talk about why so that you have a better understanding of what's going on for you if you have a moment like this, or if one comes up in the future. Okay. Because this is what I hear from clients. We'll be coaching on something and they'll tell me about this type of experience that has happened, and they'll be like, I don't even want him. I don't miss him. I don't want him in my life. So, why did like seeing this or experiencing this create so much pain for me? Like for three days I cried about this, or for three days I just felt like off. Something felt weird in my body. I just felt uncomfortable and I just kept thinking about it. Like, why? And so I want to make this very clear. Not wanting him back and also feeling that like pang of rejection or discomfort or uncertainty, or not even really knowing, like being able to put a finger on what you're feeling, you can hold both, right? They're different things. You can be so done with the marriage or with wanting him in your life, and you're you can still have like a nervous system response with like the the alarm bells going off in your body and in your brain the minute you have an experience like this. Those two things, they're not in conflict with each other, they're both allowed to be true at the same time. So we're gonna slow things down and kind of talk about why

Why It Hits So Hard

Karin Nelson 6:20

you're you might be having that reaction. And I'm gonna be, I'm gonna show you what is actually happening in your brain and in your body when this happens. And I want you to know his moving on is not like a scoreboard, right? It might feel like one, and I'm gonna talk about that a little bit later in the podcast episode, but it's not. And then at the very end, I'm gonna give you some practical tools because you know me, I like to give you stuff that's actually going to help you that you can apply to your own life. So when you do the drop puff, when you might like run into this person or them together, when you go to family events and you hear about it from other people, or when you wake up at 3 a.m. and you're like, let me check out his Instagram and just see if he's posting things, right? Because our brain is so mean to us sometimes. And when we when we're at our most vulnerable vulnerable, which is usually at like 3 a.m. when we're tired, we don't want to be awake. But also our brain is like, hmm, maybe we should just wake up and scroll Instagram and see what he's posted lately. Like it's so rude sometimes. So I'm gonna give you stuff to help you when you find yourself in those moments, all right? So stick around to the end because that'll be at the end. But first, let's talk about what's actually happening in your body because I think this is really going to help you so much to remember that you are not broken. You're not weak, you're not doing it wrong, you're not just too sensitive, or you're not just finding it hard, or you've gone back and how you want to back. Like it's none of those things. You're actually just having a very normal human response. When you were married, your husband at the time was who you created an attachment to. That's like just a very normal thing that we do as human beings in relationships. It's like nervous system 101. So for many, many years, however many years you were with this person, your brain and your body like kind of organized around this person as your sense of and source of safety, like your home base, your person. And once you get divorced, even if it's been a while, that doesn't automatically just switch off. It doesn't just automatically go away. Researchers who have studied this type of attachment describe it as kind of a restructuring. Your nervous system slowly is learning that this person is someone that you no longer reach for. And that restructuring is a process, right? It's like running the marathon, not the sprint for your body. It takes time. And so you're not doing anything wrong. Your body's not reacting in a weird way when this happens. Not because you want him. Again, it's like muscle memory almost, right? Because your nervous system built this entire idea around this person for so many years, and now it's getting new information that this person is no longer available in this same way. Your body and your brain have to redefine what this in this new information now means. And then on top of that, and I think this is a really big piece for so many women, there's like this comparison piece. I know for me, this was like a really big thing, but studies on breakups have found that people who stay plugged into their ex's life online, like, like I said, the waking up at 3 a.m., right? The watching, the checking in, the scrolling, they report significantly more distress, more negative emotion, more jealousy than people who don't react in that way, who don't check in, who don't check the social media, who don't check the posts, who don't want to know what's going on with their ex, right? And again, it's not because you're weak. If you're doing this, I'm not calling you out, I'm not saying you're doing it wrong, not saying there's something wrong with you. It's not because you're weak. It just is because watching someone else move into what used to be the life that you saw yourself, the life that you participated in it can very easily activate your nervous system. Again, it's a very normal response. Your brain is giving you the story of like, see, there's the evidence that this is my replacement in the same way that it treats other threats that come up. Your heart starts to race, your chest

Attachment Restructuring After Divorce

Karin Nelson 10:45

tightens, there's knots in your stomach. This is biology. This is like normal nervous system activation response. Like, I literally remember when I was going through my divorce, I had this recurring thought that came up over and over and over again that was something like, I'm gonna be left behind. We're gonna get divorced, even though I was the one who wanted the divorce. Like I asked for the divorce. And I still had this thought. I was like, he's just gonna move on really fast, and I'm gonna be left behind. Like there was, I remember it so clearly, this feeling of being the one that would be left behind. Like whatever left behind meant to me in that moment. Like I didn't even really know what that meant. I just knew that when I had that thought, my body did not feel good. It felt so uncomfortable itself. It felt so gross. And this was long before I had any of the tools that I have now, any of the tools that I teach you. And so when I was in those moments, I spiraled a lot. Yes, I went back to the idea of like, yes, I do want this divorce, but I still spiraled. I didn't know what to do with that feeling. So if you have, if you've like had this experience and then you've spiraled, or you've cried in your car, or you couldn't stop checking his Instagram for three days, even though you just like were mad at yourself for doing that, listen, you are not broken. Your nervous system is reacting in exactly the way it's supposed to. So we're going to stop shaming ourselves for doing this, stop shaming ourselves for the way we show up that is a total normal human response. And we are just going to give ourselves compassion and understanding. It makes sense that I'm reacting in this way because of all of those things that I just told you about. Now we're going to focus a little bit on the story that your brain is telling you underneath all of that activation, right? Kind of the what I just described, that story that I had, like, I'm going to be the one left behind. Because the feeling is one thing, but the meaning that we make is something else entirely. And it's usually what creates that feeling that we're having. So the story that shows up for so many of us is he's moved on, therefore he has won. He has achieved something. He's happy. I'm behind. I'm left behind. She gets to have that version of him that's healed, that's moved forward. And I got the version of him that broke everything or that was the biggest, giantest asshole of them all, right? I really want you to see that this is exactly what I'm calling it. It's a story. It is not truth. It is conditioning that is talking, that is showing up in your brain and telling you this thing. This thing must be true. And so I must believe it. Because we have been taught as women for a very long time that our worth is tied to being chosen and not just by anyone, by a man, specifically in a romantic, permanent, till

Social Media Comparison Spiral

Karin Nelson 13:55

death do us part kind of a way. Meaning be chosen and get married, because that's gonna give you your worth and the reason why you're here. And we know this is conditioning, this is not true, right? For so much of history, being chosen for marriage was quite literally the only path women had to security, to status, to holding a place in the world, to being seen in the world. And the thing is, is like that's not just from history. That has continued to today. This was our grandmothers, this is our mothers, this is us. What kind of movies were we raised watching? Rom coms, where the only version of a happy ending is the woman getting picked, right? So when your ex picks someone again, of course there's that old wiring that is gonna light up and say, see, you're the one that didn't make the cut. You're the one that he didn't choose. And again, even if you don't actually believe that, all of this conditioning you've been carrying around with you for probably your entire life and generations before you have thought that as well. And so when you notice these thoughts, I just want you to recognize it for what it is. Recognize what your brain is doing, recognize the story and call bullshit on it. Say it out loud if you have to. Because I need you to know and I need you to remind yourself and manage your brain in this way. His moving on, it is not a measurement of your worth. It never was. It's not even a measurement of his healing, which is something that your brain will tell you, like, oh, they get the healed version of him. Uh says who. Like a lot of times, if somebody like rebounds real fast into another relationship, it's not because he's healed. It's because he can't tolerate being alone with himself for five seconds. Or he can't tolerate like being able to manage his life, make the appointments, like all the things that we do as women to like manage everything, especially his emotional labor, right? So he's gonna have to find somebody else to do that for him. So the like believing that this person is stepping in and taking over this life that you always wanted, and now she gets it. No, the reality is that's probably not true. Like, even though you don't actually know if it's true, it doesn't really matter because his timeline is his. And this was never about a race to be won or a scorecard or a scoreboard

The Worth Story And Conditioning

Karin Nelson 16:55

or to put up like the letters on the I'm not a okay. I'm not like a a sports person. So I'm sure I'm getting like my metaphors mixed up. But either way, like this is what society wants you to believe, and you don't have to buy into it, is the whole point here. So the next step that we need to like really talk about is you're allowed to feel whatever you're feeling about this. Okay. Again, it doesn't, if you feel things and if you have a reaction to this, it doesn't mean you're broken. It doesn't mean something is wrong with you. Because again, it's not about your worth. And it also doesn't mean that you're not allowed to feel things about this. You're allowed to grieve this, you're allowed to be angry about this, you're allowed to feel like a hot flash of jealousy, even if you know logically that you don't want him back. All of it is allowed. Grief doesn't always show up when you expect it. And most of the time, the grief that you're feeling, it is not about him. It is not about losing him or not being married to him anymore. It is grieving the version of the future that you used to picture yourself in or that you thought you were gonna have. Or maybe it's even like grieving the the idea that you thought you were gonna be the one to move on first. Right? Like grief can show up in many, many different ways. And it's typically not about, oh no, I've just, I don't have him anymore. Like it might be, and that's okay if it is, but also let's dig deeper about what this grief might actually be about, and it's totally okay for you to feel it. So let's just process through whatever those emotions are that you're feeling. Cry in the car if you need to, write out the anger or punch the air or shadow box or dance crazy to like techno beat, real heavy beat music, and just get it out and then decompress and like allow yourself to feel safe in having processed through that anger, or sit and notice where those feelings show up in your body and just process through them in a quiet manner where you're actually just letting them be present inside of you. Where do you feel it? Oh, my chest is tight and I'm feeling it's feeling hard to breathe. My jaw is clenched. Let me relax that. My stomach is churning. Okay, I'm feeling it there. It's hot, it's moving. Like we just sit and we process through, right? Don't stuff it down. Don't try to pretend like you're fine if people are watching you, or if you don't feel like you can. You don't owe anybody like a performance of being okay. You can just feel what you're feeling. It's totally okay. All right, so I promised you practical tools. Let's get there. So here's what I want you to do if you have this experience come up for you. Let's talk about like if you have to be around them. Maybe you're gonna see this person at drop-offs,

Let Yourself Feel The Grief

Karin Nelson 19:55

or maybe like at family events, or maybe even your kids coming home and talking and talking about this person. You know it's gonna happen. This is what I want you to do pre-this like the pre-game, like getting ready. Okay. You're gonna do a grounding practice beforehand. It can be any of the ones that I talk about on this podcast. I have many, many that you can go through and find one that works for you. It can be something else that maybe you've used in the past that you know works for you. But basically, you're just gonna do 60 seconds before you have to go into the situation or hear from the person or whatever, where you just ground yourself. Okay. And then just remind yourself listen, my nervous system might get activated in this moment. It's totally okay. It doesn't mean something has gone wrong. I can still be activated and stay steady and stay firm. Like whatever resonates with you in that moment to say to yourself to like prep you, that's what I want you to say. You can use my words, you can use words that like resonate more with you. That is going to help you go into this situation feeling supported on purpose instead of just kind of hoping that you're gonna feel calm or you're gonna be okay. You gotta prepare yourself, and it's totally fine to do that. Okay, the second thing I want you to do, I want you to decide on a social media boundary before you need it. If this is a problem for you, it may not be a problem for everyone, and that's totally fine. But I know for some of you, listen, I see you. I see you waking up at 3 a.m. and turning on the social media. I get it, I understand it. Set a boundary before, not in the middle, because in the middle, you're not gonna like be able to support yourself through it. You're not gonna be able to stop yourself. So we decide now. Do you need to unfriend him? Do you need to mute them? Do you need to mute her? Do you like what does it look like real time? Unfollowing is not a weakness. It's not saying, like, oh, well, he has won now. No. It's just deciding that you are no longer consenting to putting yourself in a situation that you know is going to activate your nervous system. You know is going to like make you feel a certain way. Okay. You can do like it's just setting a boundary for yourself, and that's totally a healthy thing to do.

Five Tools For Staying Steady

Karin Nelson 22:10

Number three, you can write a script for yourself for when somebody brings up this other person. Like, let's say you go have to go to the family gathering and you know people are going to talk about her because they're curious and they want to know, like, oh, how do you feel about this new person? Do you want let's talk about it, right? Like it's a casual conversation, or like they're just digging for something. Maybe it's just something very simple of like, yeah, I'm doing okay, and I'd rather just not get into it, or I'd rather not talk about it right now. Like, you can you get to decide what this looks like. You can change the subject. You literally do not owe anyone access to how this process is going for you. Okay, the fourth thing is I really want you to separate the facts from the story. I talk about this a lot, but this is a really, really simple way to see what your brand is doing. I've talked about it many times on the podcast, but the fact is he he's in a new relationship with someone. That's the fact. But then your story is everything else that's layered on top of that of like she's better than me, she gets the best of him, I'm behind. This proves that I'm not as worthy, or like whatever, right? It could be a million different things. So, how do you do this? How do you separate the facts out from the story? You write it down. You just write a whole paragraph or a page or a few sentences about what you think about this. And then you go through and you circle the facts and you underline the story. Because once you do this, then you can start to see what your brain is doing, all of the story that it's making and how it's making you feel when you think those things. Once you see it, then you can intentionally decide do I want to keep thinking about this? Do I want to keep thinking about this in this way? This is the power of like this mindset work, right? And then number five, you get to refocus on your own life intentionally, like on purpose. This is not a distraction. It's it's like intentional redirection. What is the one thing that is actually yours right now? Maybe it's a goal, maybe it's like the workout routine that you started, maybe it's re redesigning your own home or buying the couch or like whatever, whatever it is, like your own healing process. I don't know. There's lots of different things that you could say here, but what is actually yours right now that is just yours and that you can focus on, that you can put your attention in today, because his life moving forward, or however you want to define it, it does not require anything from you. And that includes your attention. Your life does, though. And that's where we want to focus. All right, my friends, that is what I

What’s Next And How To Work Together

Karin Nelson 25:02

have for this episode. Next week, we're staying in the Ex-Files and we are going a little bit deeper. It is going to be centered around healing after betrayal and what to do when that trust has been broken. So if that is part of your story, I want you to come back for that one. If not, you can check back in a couple of weeks. But either way, that is what I have for you. You are amazing. Please remember that. You are so amazing and you are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. Thank you so much for being here. I will be back next week. Hi, friend. I'm so glad you're here and thanks for listening. I wanted to let you know that if you're wanting more, a way to make deeper, more lasting change, then working one-on-one with me as your coach may be exactly what you need. Together, we'll take everything you're learning in the podcast and implement it in your life with weekly coaching, real life practice, and practical guidance. To learn more about how to work with me one-on-one, go to Karin Nelson Coaching.com. That's www.karin, N-E-L-S-O-N coaching.com. Thanks for listening. If this podcast agreed with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating wherever you listen to podcasts. And for more details about how I can help you live an even better life than when you were married, make sure and check out the full show notes by clicking the link in the description.